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My plan had always been simple: be there for Mom, finish out the season, go home, return to work, and move on with my life. It was a solid plan with attainable goals, just the way I liked all my plans.

So why the hell did leaving Everdale feel less like moving on with my life and more like leaving something behind?

Theo’s voice drifted into my mind before I could stop it.

The playbook gives you a place to start. It teaches you the fundamentals and gives you something to fall back on when things get messy. But eventually, you have to trust yourself enough to stop looking at it and start playing the game, whatever that entails.

I let out a slow breath before taking another long drink.

Maybe the problem wasn’t that I didn’t have a plan for all of this. Maybe it was that I had been following the same strict one for so long that I’d forgotten how to write a new one.

And that I was allowed to.

I was allowed to pivot. I was allowed to want things for myself. Somewhere along the way, I’d confused protecting myself with living. I’d spent so many years convincing myself that love came with conditions—that there was always something about me that made me less worthy of keeping—that I’d stopped giving people the chance to prove me wrong.

It was easier to be the one to leave first. Easier to pretend I didn’t do relationships and to keep things temporary. I refused to give anyone the power to hurt me.

But Theo… Theo challenged all of my beliefs right down to my very core. For the first time in my life, I hated my rules. They weren’t helping me. They weren’t protecting me. All they were doing was hurting me.

I downed one more long swig before swiping my phone off the kitchen table, needing the liquid courage to make this call. Maybe it was too late. Maybe it wasn’t enough. But at least I had to try.

The phone rang and rang as I took up pacing again. That part didn’t surprise me. He had to be celebrating, and he deserved it.

“Hey, you’ve reached Theo—” There was scrambling and scratching.

“And Jude!”

I shook my head as more muffled noise filled the phone.

“Not Jude! This is Theo McLaughlin’s phone. Leave a message, or just text me,” Theo rushed to say.

The phone beeped in my ear, and I exhaled quickly, trying to stay motivated to leave a message I wasn’t even sure he’d listen to.

“Look, I know I’m the last person you want to hear from right now,” I said. My grip tightened on the phone as I clung to it like a lifeline. “And I deserve that.”

I faltered, struggling to come up with the right thing to say—the things he deserved to hear after all this time.

“I’m not easy to be with, Theo. I know that. I’ve spent my whole life making sure no one could get close enough to hurt me.” My chest constricted, and I ran my palm over it as if that’d help. “And I know… I know I hurt you instead. I’m not saying I suddenly have everything figured out—I don’t. I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing. I wish I could tell you this would be easy, but it wouldn’t be.

“I’m still your coach. I can’t… date one of my players. We’d have to hide it, and you don’t deserve to be anyone’s secret. Certainly not mine. That’s not fair to you.” I sank to the couch with another heavy exhale. “I want to be that person, Theo. I just… I don’t know what that looks like. I just know… I just know that I want to tell you to be safe tonight… and I want to be able to tell you the door’s open when you’re ready to come home… to me.”

The phone beeped, cutting me off as it ended the call.

I sat in the silence, wondering if it was worth it—if the words were worth saying. The smart thing would’ve been never to say them at all. He’d already put up the boundaries. He’d already closed that door. I had to be an idiot to think he’d open it for me again.

CHAPTER 40

And then he said… we’ll keep in touch,” I said for the umpteenth time.

Just like every time before, the living room erupted. The walls practically shook from the pounding of fists and stomping of feet. Someone let out a deafening whistle while Cody accidentally launched his beer in the air, earning a collective groan from everyone standing too close. My face hurt from laughing so hard, and I didn’t have the words for how good I felt.

“That’s our running back!” Jude hollered.

“First of many, baby!” Terry agreed.

I ducked my head as someone wrapped me in a headlock, only to shake me hard enough to rattle my brain. As soon as I scrambled free, Sam shoved a fresh drink in my hand, which Rosendo quickly stole away, insisting I had to stay healthy for the NFL. I tried to swipe it back, but failed miserably.

The house buzzed with music, conversation, and far too many people crammed into one space. Every room overflowed with teammates, girlfriends, fraternity brothers, and anyone else looking for an excuse to party. The place smelled like cheap beer, pizza, and sweat.