Page 75

“Man, get out of here. I was gonna say something, but I know how sensitive you are about Honesty. Just know, she has no complaints about me or my endurance.” I winked, then got in position to lift more weights.

“Yeah, keep those comments to yourself before I forget how much I love you and beat your ass. The only reason I’m not tripping about the two of you being in a real relationship is because I knew from the day you two met, you were gonna be a problem. Honesty’s ass was drooling like a pup in heat.” Messiah grumbled, shaking his head.

“Yeah, I still can’t believe it’s real. I never had any intentions of pursuing her at all, but I don’t have any regrets. Honesty has held my heart in her hands for a very long time, and it actually feels good to be able to express my feelings openly. I just hope I don’t fuck it up.” The last part slipped out, but it was too late to take it back.

“You having doubts about your relationship?” Dreaux inquired. Messiah stopped doing his sit-ups and glared at me as they waited for an answer.

“I’m not having doubts. I guess I’m nervous about being in a real relationship. Honesty is technically the first girlfriend I’ve ever had outside of the middle school crushes.”

“Are you afraid you’re gonna cheat on her or something?” Messiah probed.

“Hell naw. I would never cheat on my girl. You and I already had this conversation before, and I’ve had the same talk with Honesty. I guess I just want to be the best option for her. I’ve got some shit to me. There are some things about me she doesn’t know, and she may not truly understand. I don’t want to be a burden or baggage to her life; that’s all.” I shrugged nonchalantly even though what I said was a big deal.

As friends, I could still hide certain parts of myself from her. She didn’t know about the cold sweats and nightmares. She hadn’t witnessed my crashouts where I destroyed everything in my sight. I only allowed her to see the parts of me that were safe, and I knew the closer we became, the more of me she would uncover. It wasn’t so much about me being ashamed of who I was; I just wasn’t sure if she would be willing to accept the complex version of me.

“You don’t know how love works,” Messiah stated.

“What do you mean?”

“When you love someone, and I mean that real, unfiltered love, it comes with a different set of rules and a deeper meaning. You and Honesty may love each other, but you’re still growing into who you are. Yaya and I were friends just like you two were. Of course, our shit was a little more complex because she was in a relationship with my best friend, but she was my friend too.

Tray’s death brought out the worst in us, but it also made me realize just how much I loved her. I’m not sure if Yaya ever told you, but she tried to kill herself shortly after he died. She was depressed, and life had been giving her its ass to kiss. I never knew it was possible for me to love someone outside of my family as much as I loved her, but when I saw her body lying there, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.”

“She was ashamed when she regained consciousness, but I didn’t give a fuck about any of that. The idea of living in a world where she didn’t exist sent me to a place I never expected. I realized my feelings for her were much deeper than I thought, but she needed time to heal. When I see you and my sister together it reminds me of Yaya and I. The two of us came with baggage, but instead of seeing it as something negative, we chose to work through it together.

“My sister loves you, Solomon. You have been through some shit she hasn’t, but I promise you aren’t giving her enough credit. My baby might be a little spoiled and selfish at times, but at her core, she's loving. Don’t hold back from her because eventually it’s all gonna come out. If you truly love her and want to be with her, then the two of you are going to have to peel back the layers and really get to know one another. You might think you’re too much for her, but she’s a mothafuckin’ Graham. When it comes to the people we love, there’s nothing we can’t handle.” Messiah expressed.

I never knew about my sister’s experiences after Tray because we had been estranged during that time. For some reason, I assumed she was living it up in a mansion and blowing through her exes' money, but it turns out she had been through more than I ever knew.

On the outside, I always saw Yaya as unbreakable because she never complained about anything and she faced her issues head-on. I never considered what that moment in life did to her, and to witness the person she is now only reaffirmed how strong she truly was.

“Messiah is right. Any of them can tell you that I wasn’t looking for love. Hell, I wasn’t interested at all if we’re being honest. I was fucking bitches left and right without a care in the world. Then Peace and Promise came into my life and turned a nigga’s world upside down. Promise snatched my heart from me long before I found out she was mine.”

“Peace was a hard shell to crack, but it was worth it. I never thought I was missing anything in life until she came around. I remember sitting up in my bed wondering what she and Promise were doing, and I knew then they had come in and bullied their way into my heart.

“Peace went through a lot of trauma in life, and normally, I wouldn’t have gotten close to a woman with abandonment and daddy issues. Hell, I had my own shit, so I never wanted to deal with anyone else's. The moment I truly understood how deep my love for her was, was when I fell out with my family and found out the truth about my birth mother. Talk about baggage.

“Peace could have easily walked away and let me go through by myself, but instead she became my strength. In all of the years of my life, I never had someone I could lean on and be weak around. Peace let me cry on her shoulder, and she never once threw it back in my face. Instead, she held my hand through it all and encouraged me to face the truth head-on, and I’ll never truly be able to repay her for the way she supported me.

“I guess the point we’re trying to make is that real love comes with understanding and acceptance. There is no baggage that could ever keep me away from Peace. I know if something bad happened right now, she’s gonna be in my corner without question, and she already knows I’m ten toes behind her no matter what.

“If you truly love Honesty the way you say and you believe she loves you the same, then whatever doubts you have are a non-issue. If someone can’t love every part of you, then they aren’t the one for you, and it’s really that simple. I’ve seen the way you are with her. When she went through that shit in college, you were there for her with no hesitation. She feels safe with you because she knows you would never do anything to hurt her, but it can’t be a one-sided situation. You’ve got to trust her with all of you, even the parts you don’t feel comfortable with anyone seeing.”

Dreaux and Messiah laid it all out for me, and I agreed with everything they said. I loved Honesty with every fiber of my being. There was no part of her I didn’t accept, but because I had been so used to carrying the weight of my pain on my own, I had been holding certain parts of myself from her. She deserved to have the full version of me, but I worried she would think less of me because behind the hard exterior I presented, a nigga was fucked up inside.

“I hear y’all. I know I’m overthinking everything, but it’s hard not to. I’ve never cared to impress or keep a woman close to me. I never cared enough to open up to anyone outside of her, and I guess I’m just worried she won’t see me the same if she knew who I really was.”

“Then this is something you need to figure out because you can’t ask someone to give you all of them and only give them a portion of you. It’s not easy for us to be vulnerable as men, but it’s something you have to do if you want to be in a lasting relationship,” Messiah schooled me.

Being vulnerable made me uncomfortable, but I understood everything they were saying. Honesty trusted me with her heart, but I could admit there was a part of me that hadn’t fully allowed her into my world.

“I appreciate it. Now, let’s get back to this workout. I need to have a chest like Dreaux’s in the next three months.” I tittered as I flexed my muscles.

“Naw, lil’ bro. You would need at least nine months to a year to have these types of gains. This is the result of hard work, dedication, a strict diet, and lots of pussy.” Dreaux declared.

“Aye, man. Chill with the pussy talk. Peace is my damn sister too. I’m sick of y’all mothafuckas. I let y’all into my world, and y’all turn around and fuck my sisters.” Messiah scoffed.

“I fuck her real good too. I’m trying to put baby number three in there, but she said she wants to wait until little man gets a little older. Knowledge might have fucked up in a lot of ways, but he made some beautiful daughters with some good pussy. I owe him foreal.”