Page 14

As I set the phone down on my nightstand, I feel something I haven’t in a long time: hope.

Maybe I’ll finally stop being the guy who’s never had sex. Maybe I’ll finally prove to myself that I’m normal. But underneath the hope, there’s something else, a faint unease I can’t quite shake. Something that doesn’t quite add up. It’s something about Gwen’s smile and about the way she called me sexy right out of the gate.

But I’m overthinking it.

I always overthink things.

4

LUCIEN

The frat house is quiet for once.

This year my parents made sure to secure the best single room in the house, the corner unit with two windows that face the street, with an ensuite attached, which is a luxury most of the other guys here don’t have. The walls around my desk are covered with photographs from hunting trips, my friends and me in the Lowcountry with mud on our boots. There’s a framed photograph of my family’s hunting property in South Carolina, where I hunt with my friends and feel like I’m meeting my father’s expectations, where the performance feels less lonely because it’s shared.

My desk holds textbooks stacked haphazardly next to my laptop, the oversized dresser dominates the opposite wall, and my king bed with its dark frame anchors everything. I’ve been texting Cameron for four days now.

Four days of carefully crafted messages. Four days of playing the role of sweet, interested, and psychologically astute Gwen, who asks all the right questions and says all the right things. Four days of getting closer to him as Gwen than I ever could as myself.

At St. Silas, Cameron walked around with his gentle, earnest expression, like he was too pure for the rest of us, too fucking nice to dirty himself with someone like me. He thought he was above me and I couldn’t stand it. It drove me insane. I couldn’t leave it alone. I couldn’t leave him alone. I followed him everywhere and watched him. They say keep your enemies closer, right? So maybe that’s what it was, at first.

But not now.

He’s been acting like such a prince since we started at Hayworth, and it’s really pissing me off. I tried talking to him a couple of times last year and he blew me off like he always does. I’m not going to let him get away with the same shit he pulled at St. Silas. He’s not better than me, or too good for what I want from him, and he’ll figure that out soon.

Since freshman year, I’ve been searching for his profile on all the dating apps. I knew he’d eventually make one. He’s not the type to pull girls in real life or to make the first move. And he’s never been able to admit to himself what he really wants.

I created Gwen to get inside his head. I wanted to teach him some humility, so he’d learn he’s not any better than me. I figured Gwen could wind him up, then ghost him when he caught true feelings, and he’d know the ache of wanting something and not having it.

And my plan is working. He’s opening up. But it feels better than I expected. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

At first, Cameron’s messages were polite, cautious, designed to impress. But now his messages are different. They’re real. And I want more of him. I can’t imagine ghosting him now. Not with how much he’s giving me.

I reread his most recent messages, considering his words again.

idk i guess i’ve always been close to my mom. she gets me, you know? she’s the kind of person who makes you feel like everything’s gonna be okay even when it’s not

I type Gwen’s response carefully, making sure it sounds warm and encouraging.

aww that’s really sweet. sounds like you have a great relationship with her. what about your dad?

There’s a pause. A long one.

I stare at the screen, waiting, my pulse quickening. We all have shitty relationships with our dads, and Cameron is likely no different. I need him to open up to me.

And then his response comes.

my dad and i aren’t close. he was gone a lot when i was a kid. work stuff mostly. or at least that’s what he said

I lean forward.

that must have been hard

yeah it was. but it got worse

Another pause. I wait.

when i was sixteen i found messages on his ipad he left on the kitchen counter. the messages were to another woman. not my mom