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did anything else happen? anything unexpected?

I have to know how he feels about what happened. He left so suddenly. Would he have come with me?

why does it feel like you’re interrogating me right now? haha

i just feel like you’re being weird about it. you’re usually more talkative. did something happen with someone there?

no nothing happened. just tired, i think.

I’m pushing too hard, I know, but I need to know his feelings about what happened.

okay. well i’m happy you went out at least. it’s good to do more stuff like that instead of being cooped up in your apartment all the time

yeah, you’re right. it’s good to get out

so i thought of another question i could ask you to help me get to know you more. it’s random, but are you like, experienced? or are you still figuring stuff out?

My heart rate spikes. This is forward. This is a new level of forward. I don’t know if he’ll like it.

that’s random

just curious about you. are you a virgin?

Virgin. The word sits heavy. The answer better be yes. I can’t handle the thought of sharing Cameron with anyone else.

are you?

Another deflection. Oh, Cam, I already know.

no i’m not. and honestly i kind of hope you are

I want him to feel safe being honest with me. I want him to open himself to me so I can teach him everything.

why would you hope that?

because i like the idea of being the one to teach you everything. that way you’ll know exactly what i like without having to learn from anyone else first. you’ll be custom made for me

that’s kind of a lot of pressure to put on someone.

Oh no. I’m pushing too hard. I can’t lose his trust.

is it? i think it sounds kind of nice. knowing that you’re learning everything with me. that i’m your first

i mean I guess that part is appealing

you wouldn’t belong to me, really. you’d just be mine in that specific way. there’s a difference

i don’t know

well think about it. and let me know what you decide

I’m leaving it open. I’m leaving space for him to choose. But I still don’t know how to tell him, when it’s time, who Gwen really is. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him. What the fuck am I going to do?

11

CAMERON

I barely make it through the door before my legs give out. I stumble to my bedroom and collapse face-first onto my bed, still in my jeans and hoodie, my white hat knocked sideways on my head. My whole body is shaking. I press my cheek into the pillow and try to breathe, but the panic I’ve been holding back for the entire walk home finally breaks through.