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77
Alex
It’s funny. I thought I worked a lot before, but now, I can’t work enough. I can’t work enough to keep her off my mind. It’s been two months where Mikey scowls at me, and I pretend it’s banter. I have no answers for him or myself. The podcast lags when it’s just Mikey and me. We used to have good on-air chemistry, but now we all try to schedule us on opposite tapings. We’ll find our footing again, but for now, it sucks.
He’s talking about relocating to New York on a more permanent basis. He’ll see her more often. I know he’s going for his husband, but somehow it seems as if he’s picked a side. That’s petty and stupid of me, but I can’t help but be hurt by a decision that probably has zero to do with me. I fucking hate my past more every day for ruining my future.
He knows I’ve started to date, and I know they’re all judging me for it. Well, I fucked some women. I’m calling that dating from now on. The rest of it is for shit.
I don’t need a commitment, and I certainly don’t need to hang onto the guilt or the worry about what could have been. I get angry at her a lot for making me feel like shit for not wanting to compromise. I’ve started hanging with my guys from college. The ones from my fantasy football team too. Guy time is all I need to blow off the day or stop thinking about her. Mikey and Ari had me to dinner, and it was excruciatingly boring. I don’t want to talk about her. We’re over. I’m having the time of my fucking life out every night and hanging.
The HBO doc is on point. It’s so fucking good. There are four parts, and they start airing this week as we slide into the heavy political season. It’s like my playoff leading up to the Super Bowl. There is nothing like this season. I fucking eat it up. I’m headed out on the road tomorrow, and I’m not coming back for like a month. I usually hate that, but who fucking cares? I have a job to do and people to inform. Elections to cover: local, state, and federal. I’ve got this. I also have time built into my schedule to see the folks. Fuck you. I can fold people in. I won’t go back to be that sap of a guy. It’s better this way, truly.
Tess is a wonderful person, a remarkable author, and she’s gorgeous. She’s going to be perfect for someone, and that guy will be lucky. It’s just not me. I’m not meant for that life or shared chores and tax returns. I’m good alone. Always have been and always will be. But I hope for her sake, she finds someone to share her life with and who puts her first. Someone who makes space in their life for her. I don’t want to know him or who he is, but I do hope she finds him.
And this is what I try to convince myself of over and over, every day I wake up. But who am I kidding? I know I’m so full of shit.
78
Tess
“I took a couple of tests, but I think I might be pregnant.”
“Yes. It says that here. Can you lie back and scoot to the end of the table?”
I keep talking. “I took different brands, and what the hell is that?” She’s holding a large wand.
“You’re pregnant, now let’s see just how far along you are.”
“How do you know I’m pregnant?” I try to sit up, and she raises an eyebrow at me. I put my foot back in the stirrup.
“Remember the pee in the cup?”
“Yes. Well, we barely got the strip in the urine before it blazed pregnant. Congratulations.”
“I am. I’m pregnant.”
“You are. I want to do a quick ultrasound.”
“Is that with the cold jelly you see on TV?”
“There’s jelly, but it’s not on the outside.”
“Like lube? What are you talking about?” I sit up again. That thing looks huge, and I’ve not had anything that significant in there since the baby daddy did his fucking business.
“Relax and breathe in deeply.” Turns out, there is another ultrasound. That wand is UP in there. Whoa. Big wand.
“Listen.”
There’s a squishy rhythmic sound blaring throughout the room. “Holy shit. Is that him?”
“Or her. The heartbeat sounds strong and clear. It all looks really good.”
I ask through my sobs, “Can you tape this or let me record this sound on my phone?” I don’t know when I’ll tell Alex. At some point, he might want to hear the heartbeat for the first time.
“All done. We won’t need to see you for another month or so. Unless there’s something uncomfortable, that happens. You need to start taking a lot of folic acid and get more sleep than you think you can handle. Are there any questions?”
“If I drank an entire bottle of wine, hypothetically, four days ago, did I damage it? Oh, God. I had like three Diet Cokes three days ago. Caffeine. And sushi last week. I ATE a lot of sushi. The baby already has mercury poison. The baby’s damaged. I broke the baby already.” I sob, and the nurse pats my shoulder. Like that helps. I broke a baby, and I’ve only known I was a mother for like forty-eight hours.
