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Tess

Joan’s none too pleased about me attempting to take September and October off, but since I’m not budging, she eventually relents. I can’t tell her about the bean until Alex knows. Alan’s the only one. There was a strange pang, and it freaked me the fuck out, so I called him. He talked me through it. We sold Mom’s house the next day and bought the house in Stone Harbor I love. Babies need a permanent address.

The house has four existing bedrooms and a sitting room I’m converting to a nursery on the second floor. I was going to carve out an office for myself, but I’ve always been able to write anywhere, so I’d rather have more space for people than words. The third floor is converting to a kids’ bunk area for all the nieces and nephews and, of course, the bean. It also has a long staircase directly onto the beach from the expansive deck.

It’s perfectly fine to live in now, but it’s dated, and I want it perfect. It’s going to be slow going because I’m so exhausted all the time. Alan pledged to paint while Alana and the kid us my direct beach access in a couple of weeks. Mikey and Ari promised to come next week and be my first official guests and help tile the kitchen.

I’m not sure I can keep hiding what looks like bloating. It’s been ten weeks now. I’ve scheduled a trip to LA for November 10th. The day after the election. I don’t want to ruin the season for him. I also have to tell him I’m not moving to LA, but he’s welcome to visit the baby whenever he wants. I’m braced for it to be a single parent situation. I’m just not braced to see the broken promise of the crooked smile. The first part of Alex’s documentary series came out, and it’s incredible. I watched. The bean and I cried. Then we ate a lot of ice cream. Tonight, I tell my mom about the bean.

* * *

The full moon’s light is bright on my newly rehabbed deck. I picked the stain and had it extended to the legal limit. I want everybody to have a place at the table here. I pop a small split of Cristal and sparkling juice for me.

“Mom, you might be wondering why the juice. You’re going to be a grandmother.” I burst into tears because she’s not. This is stupid. The one fucking person I do want to tell on this planet is the one I can’t tell just yet. I also can’t face the heartbreak of him not wanting the kid or me. What if he’s moved on, and the bean will be a constant reminder of a girl he once loved but didn’t fit into his life.

I hate feeling closer to him by proximity to the bean. That I’m growing our kid, and he doesn’t even want me. The pictures of him are everywhere as he attends events with a different woman all the time. I keep looking at these women thinking, Would she make a good stepmom to bean? Will that woman allow us in his life? And Did he fuck that one? That thought kills me. Especially since I’ve been nutty horny for the last two weeks. My boobs are so sensitive a shower gives me a nipplegasm.

I’m in serious trouble, and all I want to do is down that split of champagne and find some more to stop these thoughts and feelings from clobbering me over the head. There’s a knock at my door, and I pray it’s spontaneous pizza being delivered. Like they know I’m pregnant and just pop by with an order of breadsticks every so often.

“DAD!” He scoops me up and swings me around like he did when I was little. And once again, I begin to cry. You’d think I’d run out of tears.

“Tessie, no. No crying. Surprise! I wanted to see the house, and Alan encouraged me to drop by.”

“Dad, you live in Florida. Dropping by requires plane tickets and planning. And Alan should shut up.” I look at my father. He keeps fit. His hair was dark brown, but now it’s whiter than anything. His eyes are my eyes, in size, color, and shape. His strong jaw and sweet demeanor contrast with each other. He grins too hard.

“Tessie. I can’t keep myself from busting.”

I smile. “Yes. Dad.” He spins me again. When he puts me down, he closes the front door and kisses my stomach. I hold his head for a moment, and when he looks up, his eyes are glassy. This is a man who has five grandkids. “Dad, why so sad?”

“Oh, Tessie. I’m so happy. I’m so happy you found your way to this moment. Whether it’s an accident, divine intervention, or choice, you found your way out of the shadow you had over you for far too long. You look so beautiful and bright, my darling daughter.”

“Come in.”

“I come bearing gifts.” He holds up a Springer’s Ice Cream bag.

“You can stay as long as you want and say whatever comes into your head as long as I get most of the ice cream.” He laughs as I lead him to the kitchen. I grab a couple of spoons, and we head out to the deck. He sees the abandoned glasses.

“Saying hello to your mother, I see.”

“Consider the champagne a goodbye of sorts.”

“Can I still drink it?”

I grin and hug him ridiculously hard. “Daddy, I’m so happy you’re here.”

“I’m always here for you. And who that turns out to be.” We sit down and dig into black raspberry and mint chocolate chip. We stare at the ocean for a bit, and I wrap my sweater around me a little tighter. The chill of fall settles over the evening. My dad is still eating ice cream but holding my hand. “You have to tell him.”

“I’ve already lost him. I want to wait until after the election. And more importantly, I want to wait until I know I won’t lose the bean before I tell him. I have to wait. I want to wait until I know he’s ok.”

“He?”

“I think so.” I grin. I don’t know why I think that, but I do believe I get along better with men than women. I’m hoping it’s a boy. Girls are way too moody.

“I love it no matter, but I do hope it’s a little girl just like you. Let’s hope you’re right. But, my little girl, it’s time to stop being so afraid of losing everything. You’re not going to lose this baby. And if you did, he should share that burden with you.”

“But that’s all I ever do, is lose the things that matter the most.”