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Denise elbowed Shelley. ‘The dynamics of this throuple just changed, eh?’
Shelley raised her glass and winked at him. ‘I hope you’ve got stamina, young man.’
He nodded at them and took Laurie’s hand. He planned to walk her around the edge of the room to avoid most of the animals but had no idea how they were going to get safely past the elephant, still blocking the doors. He could hear a woman screaming ‘yes!’ over and over again, and the bird screeching ‘Woman! Will you marry me?’ as if someone had lost the off switch. They were half-way along the bar when a chimp leapt out and stood in front of them, teeth bared. What the fuck? Where was its keeper? Ben assessed the room. The elephant was now blundering further inside, ignoring the tables filled with soon-to-be unhappy couples in its path. People were scrabbling to get out the way, and Ben could see the doors were now clear. He just needed to get Laurie past the chimp. It may have been small, but he knew it could rip his arm off without breaking a sweat. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a member of staff approaching with a bag of treats held out in front of him.
‘Clarence! This way, buddy.’
Clarence scratched his backside and glanced between them and the man. He seemed to make a decision and held out both hands towards the bag.
‘Lock the doors!’ A man ran into the building, wearing combat fatigues and carrying a rifle. ‘Lock the doors!’
The room went silent.
‘The hippos! The hippos are loose!’
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Ben watched in slow-motion horror as the big wooden doors slammed closed and the elephant trumpeted. It sounded like a war cry, and the rest of the animals responded. Birds filled the air, shrieking and shitting. The elephant ploughed through the tables, and piglets squealed as they ran about hoovering up food from the floor. Clarence tore the bag of treats from his keeper, tipped the entire contents into his mouth, then dropped the packet and stared at them. His keeper turned and ran. Oh fuck.
‘Laurie, climb over the bar and hide.’
‘But, but what about y—’
‘Laurie! Do it! Now!’
A switch had been flicked inside him. Gone was the workaholic businessman. Now Tarzan’s more civilised younger brother was ripping his way out of an expensive suit and preparing to do battle to protect his woman. He’d never felt so brave. Laurie had awoken something inside him he never knew he had, and he never wanted to let it go. The instant connection he’d experienced with her felt like a lifeline to truly living.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw her disappear over the bar. Clarence moved, but Ben was quicker, grabbing a bar stool and holding it in front of him. The chimp hesitated, then jumped onto an empty table behind him, grabbed a bottle of wine and threw it. Ben fielded it with the chair and it smashed, showering him in glass and Pinot Noir. Clarence jumped up and down on the table, shrieking, then lobbed another at him. Suddenly a bottle flew past Ben’s head coming the other way. He turned to see Laurie, her arms filled with alcopops. She was throwing them at Clarence, who sprang to another table to escape and grab more ammunition.
‘Woman! Will you marry me?’ A black bird swept low towards him. He dropped the bar stool to protect his head, and heard a cry from Laurie. He turned to see the bird flapping on her face. He lunged over the bar towards it as it took off.
‘My glasses!’
Ben cupped Laurie’s face. ‘Are you okay?’
She was shaking and gasping for air but managed to nod. ‘Ben, I can’t see anything. Can you get us out of here? Do you know if Shelley and Denise are okay?’
Something crashed into his shoulder, and he turned, pushing Laurie behind him. Clarence was standing on the bar above them both, a bottle raised over his head.
‘Laurie. On the count of three, I need you to run. One, tw— Aaaggghhh!’
Apparently Clarence hadn’t learned to count and launched himself at Ben. All Ben saw were giant hairy hands, yellow teeth and a bottle of Scotch, before he fell to the floor, the wind knocked out of him. Was this how he was going to die? Being torn apart by a crazed chimp? Suddenly the hairy weight was lifted off him and he saw the face of the monkey’s keeper, holding a dart gun.
‘You okay, mate?’
Ben nodded, though he was screaming inside.
‘Find your girl and take her through the door at the end of the bar. There’s a staff room upstairs. Hunker down until the cavalry arrive.’
Ben got a hand up and ran down the back of the bar to where Laurie was standing, clutching a bottle for dear life.
‘Laurie, come with me.’ He pulled her through the door and they ran up a narrow flight of stairs. At the top, he checked the staff room was empty, then brought her inside and sat her down on a sofa. ‘We’re in the staff room. I’m going to call the police, then I’ll go back and find your glasses.’
‘Ben! You can’t—’
‘Which emergency service? All of them please. I’m calling from Buttley Manor… Uh, uh, okay, bye.’ He finished the call, then dragged a large vending machine towards the door. ‘They’ve already been notified. An armed response unit is on the way. I need you to push this against the door when I’ve gone, and don’t open it unless whoever is on the other side is human-shaped and can say more than “woman, will you marry me?” Okay?’
