Page 7

Laurie nearly choked. ‘Den, no! For a start he looks about twelve, and secondly, he’s half my height. If we stood next to each other, his head… ’ She stopped talking but it was too late.

‘Would be the perfect height to suck your tits!’

‘Denise!’

Shelley laid her hand on Laurie’s arm as Denise cackled into her Cava. ‘Laurie, love. You need to put yourself out there. You need to find someone. You’re like a fussy ice queen.’

‘I am not!’

‘Yes, you are,’ added Denise. ‘When did you last approach a bloke, eh?’

Laurie shuffled through the filing cabinet of her mind, determined to refute them, but came up short. ‘Why do I need a man to make me happy? And anyway, you’re always going on about how much you hate men.’

‘We don’t hate all men,’ said Denise. ‘Just Shelley’s ex and my useless husband. The rest we only mildly dislike or tolerate. Come on, Laur, ask the waiter out. If you don’t then we will. Look, he’s coming back with our starters.’

‘Denise!’ Laurie hissed. ‘If you say anything, I’m leaving right now, and I’m not taking you with me. I categorically refuse to go out with anyone younger or smaller than me.’

As they ate their starters, Laurie systematically scanned the room. Before, she’d only noticed the animals, but now she looked at the people. Her fellow diners were instantly dismissed as they were in relationships, but the staff? Maybe if she flirted a bit, gave one of them a fake number, it might get Denise and Shelley off her back. But nobody caught her eye. They looked too young, too nervous or both. She didn’t blame them. She wouldn’t want to be in charge of any animal, let alone one that could bite your finger off for fun. However, they’d no doubt be just as jumpy around her. She always made men nervous. She tried to hide her intelligence and practised slouching to mask her height, but it was never enough. On some level, they knew her brain was even bigger than her body. So, to compensate they mansplained, made her the butt of their unfunny jokes; they diminished her to elevate themselves. She was so tired of it. It was easier not to bother interacting with them in the first place.

However, when her gaze reached the bar, it stopped. Sitting on his own, with his back to them, was a man with all his own hair and a very nice-looking suit. Laurie couldn’t see his face so took in the details she could account for. She guessed he was waiting for someone and had come on his own. There was a half-empty tumbler next to him and he was looking at his phone. He put it on the bar, turned, and looked out across the room. Laurie’s heart jumped. Now side-on, she could see the strong line of his jaw. His skin was pale but his hair was almost black, and even from a few yards away, she could see his eyes were blue. He was—

‘Eeek! It’s Seb! SEB!!! Over here!’

Shelley’s arm was in the air, straining towards the ceiling, her fingertips fluttering for attention like a school kid with an overly full bladder, desperate to be excused. Laurie dragged her attention away from the bar to see a tall, slim man striding across the room, a spider monkey on his shoulder. He looked to be in his late forties, wearing dusty red chinos and a jacket covered in pockets. He had dirty blond hair sticking up in all directions, flushed cheeks, and eyes so wide all the white around the irises was showing.

‘Shelley! Oh my dahhhling, you are looking divine. That dress… ’ He broke off and mimed biting a chunk out of it, leaving a few drops of spittle on his lower lip. Shelley was on her feet, smoothing her leopard print dress down over her thighs and breathing her breasts up towards his face. He pulled her to his side and growled into her neck.

Shelley giggled with excitement, then shrieked. ‘Fuck!’ She pulled back with a jerk and Laurie instinctively stood. Shelley’s hand came to her ear. ‘It bit me!’

The monkey on Seb’s shoulder grinned, showing white teeth stained red with blood.

‘Shelley, let me look.’ Laurie held a napkin to her friend’s ear to inspect the damage and sagged with relief. ‘It’s okay, just a nick.’

Seb held the monkey up to his face. ‘Now, Itsy-Bitsy, we know that’s not the right way to behave. Don’t we?’ It chattered with excitement. ‘I understand, but you need to talk about these feelings. Talkie, talkie instead of bitey, bitey. Okay?’ It cast its eyes down, then started picking through Seb’s hair for lice. Seb turned to Shelley. ‘Itsy-Bitsy is unfortunately an itsy-bit jealous of you.’

Shelley smiled, folded the bloodied napkin, and put it down on the table. ‘Jealous, eh?’

Laurie’s heart was racing, her palms clammy. She cleared her throat. ‘Mr Ottily-Davenport. My name is Lauren Dover, and I am incredibly concerned about the safety of this event, not to mention the ethics and legality.’

‘Are you a member of the local constabulary?’ he asked, with a smile so broad he must have known she was not.

‘No, however, I am the health and safety officer, and emergency first aid responder at my place of work, and this is dangerous and unethical.’

‘Laurie! Shut up!’ hissed Shelley.

‘This isn’t right or fair on the animals, and—’

Seb laughed. ‘I can assure you, these animals have a better life than I do.’

Denise grabbed Laurie’s hand and pulled her back into her seat. ‘Don’t worry about her, Mr Otterly-Davidoff, our Laurie’s the fun police. When she does a risk assessment, she makes sure there’s no risk at all.’

Seb smiled magnanimously down at Laurie. ‘I completely understand. The animals can be a little overwhelming to the senses at first, but look around. Isn’t everyone having a wonderful time?’

Laurie looked at the rest of the room. Everyone did seem to be enjoying themselves. Was this really what she was? Someone who never took a risk? The fun police?

Seb looked at his watch. ‘Ladies, cast your eyes over to table eleven. Magic is about to happen.’

Laurie looked over, her eyes making the journey via the bar, where the good-looking man was now drumming his fingers impatiently on the sides of his glass. A gong rang out, and the humans in the room fell silent. Two staff members approached a table in the middle of the room. One held the hand of a chimpanzee, the other carried a small black bird. At the table sat a confused looking woman and a man who looked like he was about to be shot. The man stood with a jerk, then dropped to one knee.