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Dressed and ready, I wait in one of the comfy crimson chairs in the study, near my fake Christmas tree. I text Ethan. It feels like I’m missing an appendage. I don’t tell him this. That’s a lot for an almost thirteen-year-old to take on. Instead, I send him pictures of my French onion soup, my crazy Christmas display out front, and a selfie of me at Home Depot surrounded by discount glowing-eyed zombies and the team that helped me install all this stuff.

Ethan loves decorated for holidays. I went nuts because Liam would hate all the garishness, but also because I miss my son. Ethan texts back immediately.

ETHAN: Mom. Whose house is that?

JILLIEN: An old friend’s house. I grew up with them.

ETHAN: That house is ripped. It’s fucking huge. Is that in the city?

JILLIEN: Watch your language. And yes, it is.

ETHAN: Is it bigger than Grandpa’s house used to be? That’s like a Gold Coast house. Dayum, that’s some bank.

JILLIEN: It is. It’s been fun to stay here.

ETHAN: You’re still in Philly? Is Grandpa ok?

JILLIEN: He’s the same, sweetie.

ETHAN: Oh. Ok. Dad says we have to go have a meal with the new girlfriend. I’ve decided I don’t want to meet her.

JILLIEN: I want you to. I think it will be fine.

ETHAN: You do?

JILLIEN: Yes, so you can make sure your dad made a good choice. Be kind, and listen. Ask her questions. Things you really want to know the answers to.

ETHAN: Ok. I feel like I just want to come home.

JILLIEN: Is it you don’t want to share your time with Dad, or are you having a bad time?

ETHAN: I guess. Whatever. It’s fine.

JILLIEN: Do you want to call me? You can do that ANYTIME.

ETHAN: I know. I’m fine. I know you guys both date, but it’s weird.

JILLIEN: It’s only going to get weirder. So let’s figure this out together.

I panic at the idea of telling him about Liam.

ETHAN: It’s fucked up.

JILLIEN: Language!

ETHAN: Sorry.

JILLIEN: It’s ok. But remember, the only thing constant is change.

ETHAN: Stop speaking in memes.

JILLIEN: Should I gif it instead?

ETHAN:

JILLIEN: Honey. We’re both going to have other people in our lives. I hope she sees what an amazing kid you are, and if she doesn’t, she won’t last. Your dad will make sure you’re first.

Fletch’s fears are founded. He might always be second. What if he doesn’t like Liam or vice versa? What if they both pretend, and everyone ends up hating me? Fuck, this is all confusing. But it’s temporary.