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“Mmm. That’s nice,” she says dreamily. Her delicate fingers grab hold of my meaty paw and nestle it under her chin. I linger there for a second, then let the hand underneath her begin to explore. She can’t miss the erection grinding into her back. I let my other hand drift down her leg. The air around us is chilly, my fluffy blue and white comforter looks like freshly fallen snow, and the sky is shielding us from the real world. It’s like our own snow fort. She moves her ass into me just a little more. I find her nipple and coax it to life. She’s moaning and rocking against me.

“Mom! Get the phone!”

I instantly leap out of bed and throw my hands in the air, removing all body parts from hers as she laughs at my reaction. Adrenaline surging as if I’d been caught doing something wrong.

“It’s Ethan.” She laughs again and jumps out of bed.

“Here?!”

“It’s my ringtone.” Laughing, she picks up the phone. I scramble for boxers. I shouldn’t be naked while she talks to her kid. What if he hates me? That would be normal, but I’d like for him to like me. But if we’re long distance, how much time do I spend with him? Shit, my head is spinning.

“Hi. What’s up?” She’s pulling on her workout pants, and I’m immediately depressed. If she has to wear pants, it should always be those. I’m finding the brand and size and buying ten pairs for Christmas. But they’re only for me. No trainer gets to look at that perfect ass. She wears baggy, dumpy sweats to the gym from now on. Or she never works out again—she’d still be perfect.

She fires off rapid questions at Ethan. I’m in awe of how quickly she can go from sex kitten to mom. “Tell me quickly. Are you ok? Are you bleeding? Are you lost? Are you sad? ...No, I’m still in Philly at my friend’s house.”

She comes over to my side of the bed, pushes me back in it, and mounts me. “Yes, I’m still at the cool house.” She gyrates ever so slightly. I stare up at her as she lords over me, smiling. The pushy, sexual Jillien is seriously fun.

And then she abruptly walks from the room. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to stay in bed or go after her and see if she’s ok. I grab my iPad from the night table. I scan The New York Times. My mind is racing with jealousy, confusion, sexual frustration, and concern. I hear her muffled conversation and I’m trying not to listen. I’m very much separated from her right now.

28

JILLIEN

“Why do you want to come home, honey?”

“Mom. I can’t be here. She stayed the night, Mom. I saw her when I peed. What if I left the door open? You don’t come back from a thing like that. You told him he couldn’t do that, right?”

“I did. But did you talk to your Dad about being upset?” I’m going to fucking kill Christopher. “He’s the adult. At least legally, he’s an adult. But I question…” I stop trashing him further. Fucking asshole. “Do you like her?”

“She’s fine. Whatever. She’s not you.”

“And no one ever will be. We’re both going to fall in love again, just not with each other.”

I set precise ground rules for my ex-husband. Christopher has dated before, hell, he dated while we were still married, but Ethan never knew. I protected him from all of that. But at least this one has a job, which is a step up from screwing our college-aged babysitters.

I push down those emotions for the moment and temper my voice. “She’s the reason you want to come home?”

“I just want to be at my home.”

“I’ll make you a deal.”

“No deals!”

“Don’t you dare raise your voice.” I take my mom tone and shift my weight back and forth. I point at the wall as if Ethan’s directly in front of me.

“Sorry.”

“I’m not going home until the twenty-sixth. Make it through Christmas with the cousins, then we’ll talk. If you still want to come home, I’ll fly you home.” My stomach drops out of my body as I say it. I’ll be ditching Fletch for Ethan. We can’t even really define what and how and where we’ll be let alone throw my kid in the mix. We’ll have to cancel. Please let Ethan want to stay in California.

“I forgot my cousins are coming.”

“Ok, see, it will be great. You haven’t seen them in forever. You adore your uncles, too. Can I go back to breakfast now?”

“That’s what you were doing? It’s, like, late where you are. I’m having breakfast. Mommy, who is this friend you’re staying with?” My guilt curls around me a bit with him calling me Mommy. But there has to be room for both of them. I can make this work.

“Our dads were good friends, and we were close as kids.” I’m playing the pronoun game, but I’m not ready for him to know there might be a ‘him.’ And perverse as it sounds, I hope Liam’s still in bed, all warm, cuddly, and hard.

“Mommy?”