Page 48
30
JILLIEN
I’ve been in Chicago for six hours and now I’m hanging on FaceTime like a teenager. I see he’s propped the phone up on the counter while he’s making coffee.
He looks so domestic hot. How does someone make hunter green and goldenrod argyle sexy? He has fucking ducks embroidered on his pants, and that wicked smile of his has me wet and panting. I want to ride the man who’s wearing a braided belt and shined penny loafers. If he put on a sock hat, at least I could call it hipster chic, dressing for an era long gone. But he’s totally earnest in his fashion, and I can’t get enough of it.
“Well, that’s interesting to think about, isn’t it?” I’m not sure how to go about responding. “I loved you like the rest of your family, I guess. Yes, I did love that boy because you were security. Then I had a lusty crush on that boy for a while. Lisa made sure that hit a dead end, reminding me constantly how you were repulsed by me. Then I had warm, affectionate, nostalgic memories over the years. And now, who the hell knows? I want to ride this Fletch all the time. I laugh constantly. I feel better and brighter when he’s in the room.”
He stares at me with his mouth agape. I’m not sure what I said. I sit up and adjust the phone. He sets his coffee down.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” His tone is harsh and I don’t understand what I did wrong. “Lisa did what?”
“She told me you were only nice to me because your parents forced you to be. That you barely tolerated me. And I ‘should avoid you at all costs.’” I throw air quotes up because that sentence was burned into my brain. I was so hurt by him, indirectly.
He puts his head in his hands. I stand there frozen, not knowing what I did wrong.
“Fucking Lisa. She told me you were afraid of me. That I made you uncomfortable and that’s why I should avoid you at all costs.” My turn for my jaw to fall open. We both sit in this moment. That we could have been together. That maybe that was our path all along. Then he proves that he honestly does know me.
“Ethan,” he says sweetly. “You wouldn’t have Ethan.”
I smile. He’s right. I put my hand to my heart and blow him a kiss.
I whisper, “Then we’re exactly where we should be. Your sister liked to mess with my life. And now I know it went even deeper than I knew. Did you love me?”
“I loved the girl with the savage tan who played a mean game of tennis and swore like a sailor at the age of eleven. And then I fell deeply into infatuation—with a side of some heavy masturbation—with the summer-streaked blonde who was cool and wickedly funny. And wore a turquoise bikini like none I’ve ever fucking seen since. Despite what my sister told you,” he says, blushing.
“I thought about you once.” I smile.
He’s up and walking through the house, and I ache to be there. “Just once? I fucking devoted my teen years to the idea of you, and you thought about me once?!”
“When I heard I was your girlfriend my junior year,” I say flippantly.
“Oh, Christ.” He groans. “You knew that?” He sits down at his desk in the study.
“Ski club. Not sure why you weren’t in it that year, probably off collecting chestnuts.”
He laughs and shakes his head at me, the light catching his eyes, and I legit swoon.
“Tell me the story, Bella, or I’m going to make oyster stuffing right now for you and bring it to Chicago. I have tinned smoked oysters in the pantry.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Who has fifties fallout shelter tinned food their pantry? That’s panic food. No one eats that.”
“Shh. Tell me the story, Bella. So I don’t rip my fucking sister’s head off. Calm me down with the story.”
“Bala Cynwyd shared ski club buses to the Poconos, and your high school was one of them. First trip, some dude asked my name during spin the bottle. Then he asked me if you knew I was playing.”
“Holy shit, that makes sense. Guys would tell me how hot my girlfriend was, and I had no idea you were macking with them!”
“Only once before they told me I was your girlfriend. I said we weren’t serious. The next week I told them we went exclusive. To cover your ass, I gave up making out with Society Hill jagoffs.”
He raises his hand. “Until now. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I thought you’d be embarrassed. Then I thought you hated me. I’d make up fantasies about you and go to parties to try and run into you. I’d urge my mom to schedule a dinner with your family, but you wouldn’t show up. Just Lisa.”
“I didn’t show up because I couldn’t be around you without having to fucking jerk off constantly. I was a walking boner at the thought of you. And I thought I made you uncomfortable. I made sure to be where you weren’t for a while.”
“Fucking Lisa.” I roll my eyes.
