Page 17

Work at the Emmaus thrift shop plugs along and I’m collecting pieces as they come in. Every second I’m not pretending to be at class is spent with him or here. I did a couple of quizzes, well, the guy from Tampa did them. I pay him weekly to sign me in attendance wise and occasionally he does a quiz for me. I told him my grades don’t really matter, but I don’t want to get kicked out of the program. I figure a C or a D will get it done.

I’m lying on the floor staring up at the stars Danny painted on the ceiling. They’re kind of funky and cool. He said he was bored, and I told him have at it. Maggie basically moved into Colt’s room last week and Tony and I go between our two rooms.

He doesn’t knock but enters and stands over me. He’s got on tight jeans and a wide striped sweater of tan and navy blue. His blue eyes sparkle down at me and it’s hard to believe this is my first boyfriend. I’ve slept with a ton of people and fooled around but no one ever made that status official. And I didn’t care about labels until now, but he makes me believe this will last.

“Hi.”

He’s leaning over still. “What’s with the face? That’s a happy face.”

He leans all the way over and kisses me upside down.

I sit up and we lean against opposite beds in the middle of the floor.

“Come to Boston.” We only have a handful of weeks left and my lies weigh heavily on me, but I don’t stop them. I think he’ll break up with me if he knows, not only am I not going to college, but I have to repeat my senior year at some point. Not sure Mr. Harvard would approve, so I stay quiet.

“I will visit, I told you that.”

He scoots over to me. “No. Transfer to Northeastern. You said you got in. Come be with me. They’re eleven minutes apart.” My body freezes. Pretending to go to class has been exhausting. The lying is painful. I can’t keep up this circus and pretend to go to college. Can I? Maybe if I work all summer I could afford to move there. But I’ll have to tell him and let him know I’m kind of a fraud.

“That’s a big ask.”

He leans forward. “Mak, this is something. I don’t know what the fuck it is and we’re young and shit, but I think this is something.”

“I feel it too.” I let myself slide into my imaginary life. “Being away from you is unimaginable for me.”

He sits up and guides me onto his lap, and I snuggle in. He’s kissing my hair and I’m clutching him.

“You didn’t answer me though. We’ll figure it out. It was just an idea.” I swallow down all the happiness I can in his arms and hope it lasts.

“The fashion merchandise program is so good at ASU. I have a scholarship and Northeastern is too expensive, and I will not let you pay.” He holds me as close as possible. I knew this moment was coming, it just sucks how much it hurts to turn down what might be perfect for me. But it wouldn’t be perfect for him.

I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do in life. I have got to get my shit together. I want to be worthy of him. Maybe I could get into a Boston Community College or something if I ever graduate.

It would be cool to work in fashion, but I kind of want to do something to help people. No one should have to feel like shit or be treated like shit when they’re feeling shitty.

Mom’s been having a lot of health issues lately, and I watch people disregard her because of her weight. Or they’ll rush her out of tests or appointments, and she never gets to ask questions. I know her heart has an issue, and they’re doing that thing in her neck to clear it out. And when I get back, she promised to start walking with me. Or doing whatever physical things she can. I don’t fucking know, and it’s not like we have the money to get someone to help us out.

I’m lost in my head when his hands start to roam, and I like the change of subject from my own thoughts.

“It’s selfish to want you with me. And I know there are things about your life you hold close, but trust me. I’ll be here for you. I can’t imagine not being here for you. Like for a long fucking time.”

I sit up and look at him. “Not selfish if I want it too.”

“Just think about it.”

I grin. I can do that. I say quietly, “Ok.” His lips brush over mine and chills spread throughout my body. I lick his bottom lip and lazily sweep my tongue into his mouth.

I’ll bury all the lies for tonight and dig them back up tomorrow to deal with. I’ve been calling my mom every morning on my way to work. She wants me to have a good time. I want to have a good time, but my fake life is getting complicated, as well as my feelings for him. We have three weeks left, and it hurts to think of my day-to-day without him.

Maybe I’ll tell him and go to Boston and figure my shit out there. No maybe about it. I have to come clean with all of this stuff that’s weighing me down.

I exhale, and my heart is lighter, knowing I’ve decided. I’ll tell him and go to Boston. I’ll just hang out there until he forgives me for lying. Then we’ll be together.

tony

She’s knocked out, and her phone is going off. I put it under a pile of clothes, but it’s still bugging me. Our finals are almost upon us, and then I want to take a week and go to Italy with her before we separate in the States. I claw at the fucking walls of my mind and heart, thinking about her not being tucked against me every night. I actually looked into Arizona. I’m going to spend a lot of fucking time on a plane if she’ll let me visit often. I’m rubbing my fingers up and down her arms.

My family would kill me if they knew how gone I am for this girl or if I drop out of Harvard. I want to look into more marketing and social media growth potential versus straight finance shit. I don’t care how the sausage is made. I just want to package it pretty and find new revenue streams as the world shifts to digital.