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“Follow me, it’s at the front of the store.”
He walks behind me, randomly filling our cart with things that catch his eye.
“I had no clue candles didn’t cost like a hundred bucks a pop.”
I turn around and step on the cart. He keeps pushing it with me riding on the front like I did when I was little.
“I didn’t know candles could cost a hundred bucks. That’s insane.”
“I’ll get you one and we can compare the two. I think Target might have the edge. Expensive candles always have annoying scents like turmeric, sea foam, oyster, calendula, exclusive nightshade orchid.”
I laugh at him. He stops and stares at the mountain display of toilet paper. “What is even happening? Forty-eight rolls for like nothing. Is it good or like sandpaper?”
I step off the cart and hug him. He kisses the top of my head not even paying attention to me as he rips open the top of a stack of Charmin.
“Jesus, this is like a fucking cloud!” he yells in the middle of the paper goods aisle.
I can’t breathe for a second. I bend over and finally say, “I’m laughing at you not with you by the way.”
“I don’t care. I’m buying you some toilet paper. It’s so soft, we don’t need the sheets. We can fuck on the toilet paper. Get another cart. I’m buying all of this.”
“Nothing over a hundred,” I warn him.
He looks at the price then picks up four large stacks of toilet paper and dumps them in. “And I’ll still have enough money left to get you some Starbucks and a thing or two from the dollar area.”
We walk back through the clothes area headed for the checkout, and he stops. He picks things up and examines them like they’re a science experiment.
I grin and he examines a pair of pleather loafers near the dollar aisle.
“You know why these shoes are tied together with this stretchy string?”
“No. Why?” I indulge him while trying to take off my macramé shirt.
“Please, they’re an affront to man and assault to the senses. They’re the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen, and they have to go to jail. So, they’re fake leather handcuffed together so they don’t try to escape.”
I’m bent over laughing again as he continues. “You think I’m joking. These are without a doubt the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. Target, you had me until you tried to do shoes.” He glances over and sees a man trying on the exact same pair as he’s holding up. He shrugs and says, “Sorry. They look good on you. I’m just an ass. Seriously sorry. Can I buy them for you? So sorry. Do you want this pair too?”
I’m going to die. I take the handcuffed shoes and put them back on their rack, then turn to the man. “I’m sorry, he’s from a very rural area of the world and has never been to a Target. Or interacted with many people. He’s not good socially.”
The gruff man grunts and nods. “Good luck.” Tony hands him some cash and says, “Bitte, danke, haben sie keine shoes!” I yank him away as he sputters random German words.
We can’t stop laughing and he takes me into his arms. “Can we come here all the time?” I slide my arms around his neck and kiss him. “I fucking love Target!”
“I do too, but don’t we have other things to do?”
He pulls me close and kisses me. “Yes, but first I need to buy that big barn wood sign for you that says ‘If your doodies be cray, please use the spray.’”
“I’ve never felt more loved or seen.” My stomach and jaw are both starting to hurt from laughing.
“It’s not only good advice, but it’s attractive too. Goes with the TP,” he says while scurrying over to grab the ridiculous sign. Sitting on top of that one is a sign that says, “Grateful,” with a daisy on it. It’s hokey and silly, but I am. So very grateful.
He hops back to me and says, “Ok, what’s next? Do you need a gross ton of beans? There’s some kind of sale on beans in a can.”
“Beans? Are you trying to justify your purchases?”
He doubles over laughing and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone having a better time at Target.
tony
