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“I miss you so much, kitten,” the low, cooing words whisper through my mind.
Phantom breath curls around me. It’s tight, cloying, and suffocating. I can’t see anything, but the torturously slow trailing fingertips seem loud in the darkness. They own, they take, and they take.
“Are you excited to see me? Because you will, soon.”
The grip around my neck tightens so quickly my body jolts, heart leaping in my chest as I’m cut off completely.
My eyes flash open, blinking at the low light filtering through the room as harsh pants cut through me. There’s no noise, no screams or cries anymore. Those stopped a while ago; my mind’s too desperate to pretend to the guys that I’m not still breaking and falling apart every night.
Now I endure each nightmare as silently and as secretly as I can.
Fake it ‘til you make it, right?
So at what point do I make it?
It takes a few minutes to allow my mind and body to truly sink back into the present, and I use that time to focus on my surroundings. Nate’s warm heat is beside me, the sheets beneath me are smooth and soft, and the colour of the walls around us is muted.
Whilst the nightmares still come, most nights I sleep through them, thrown from one fearful dream to the next until I awake. So I guess…at least I’m sleeping through the night now? It’s just not filled with dreams and pleasant escapes anymore.
A subtle shifting behind me has me shuffling carefully around until I come face to face with him. I’ll never get used to seeing Nate beside me like this. His handsome features so close and relaxed in sleep still has the breath catching in my throat.
The curtains are still drawn, and the room is only dimly lit with the early daylight creeping in around the gaps.
When the temptation becomes too much, I let my fingertip trail from his forehead down the slope of his nose and over the pillowy softness of his lips. A sleepy murmur sighs from them, and I freeze, not wanting to wake him when he looks so peaceful.
The usual frown etched into his face is almost smooth and relaxed.
His muscular arm draped across my middle clenches, before relaxing, almost as if even in his sleep he’s still checking I’m here.
I wish he could protect me in the nightmares, too. If he could be there with me, they’d be a lot less terrifying.
I shuffle even closer, drawn to the safety I long to cloak myself in. Before I can make it far, his arm tightens, and he drags me into the delicious heat of his body. The warmth radiating from him is scorching, and I melt into it.
Nate ducks his face into my neck, nuzzling into me. He inhales deeply, then lets out a low, decadent groan.
“Fuck, you smell good,” he grunts groggily, his voice thick with sleep and even more gravelly than usual.
“I don’t think so. I probably need a shower,” I mutter half heatedly into his chest.
“No, I like this. You smell like you.”
His other arm slides under my neck, cradling me close, and my muscles loosen, surrendering to his strength completely. My mouth opens ready to try to bare my doubts, to voice what I told Linda and Noah, but the soft buzz of his alarm sounds through the space before I have the chance.
“Want me to stay?” he asks.
He offers every morning when I share his room. A majority of the time I do find myself in here with him, so I’ve made the conscious effort to stay with the others too, now they aren’t all bundled in here every night.
With Moshi in here every night, and perhaps my subconscious needing to come back to here as it was where I first stayed when they found me…it’s fast becoming my safe space.
“No, you don’t need to. I’m okay, and you need to get to work,” I answer, the words easier to force out each time I say them.
It would be unhealthy to demand he stay with me and never leave.
I know that, even if my mind seems to think it’s worse if he goes. It’s a familiar battle, and at least an internal one.
Nate kisses the top of my head before he leaves the bed, and I have to fight to keep the smile on my face for him, when inside I just wish he would kiss me. The last time was the visit to the farm a few weeks ago. Since then, all I get is head kisses and a fleeting peck on my lips.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
