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Confrontation is something I actively try to avoid in every aspect of my life.
What if he doesn’t want to listen? What if he doesn’t like what I need to say? Or what if he says something that breaks me? What if. What if. What if. Stupid shitting phrase should be banned, then perhaps I won’t always fear things because of the ‘what if’ scenarios my mind conjures.
Glancing at Bry, I find him watching me. As our eyes meet, he smiles and nods at Max.
Okay, I can do this.
It takes a moment, but I search inside, locating that small sliver of earlier confidence and grab hold of it tightly. I lean over the back of the sofa, and my hair falls forward around my face, the ends of it tickling the back of the hand resting across his chest. Sleepy brown eyes blink open, and a slow smile tugs up at the corners as he looks up at me.
“Honeybee, are you coming to snuggle with me?”
Guilt slides in about how tired he seems, and I’m ruining that for him…but I’m also the cause of it if he’s spending the weekends volunteering because I can’t. Well, I could, but I don’t. Instead, I let everyone down because I’m still too petrified to leave here again.
“I’m sorry to wake you. I wanted to ask if we could talk?”
Max sits up suddenly, and I rear back to prevent our heads colliding together.
“Is everything okay?” he asks, all traces of sleepiness gone.
“Can we talk?” I repeat, unsure how to answer him. Physically, I’m healed and okay. Emotionally, I’m a complete and utter mess.
He doesn’t say anything, too busy staring hard at me, but for this conversation, I want some privacy.
Footsteps follow behind me. When I walk into his room, I almost stumble when my thoughts flashback to one of the reasons I wanted to talk to him…the encounter we had together.
The door thuds shut behind me, and when I turn, Max is leaning against it, arms loosely hanging at his sides.
“The suspense is really doing havoc to my insides, honeybee. If you finally want to end things with me, can you do it quickly? I’m not sure I can take the drawn-out approach.” He sighs, a hand rubbing the back of his neck as he looks away from me.
“What? No,” I interject.
“Sure, okay. I can take the long version. I deserve that.” He smiles bitterly at me.
I shake my head so hard that Max blurs and I stumble, falling into him. My hands land on his chest, and his arms immediately encircle and steady me.
“No. That’s not what I—Shit. I’m getting this all wrong,” I rush to say, and my fingers dig into the material of his T-shirt.
“I don’t understand.”
“I wanted to apologise to you.”
“To me?” His head rears back, forehead crinkling. “I still don’t understand.”
“For what happened between us,” I start, then pause to suck in a breath. “When I took advantage.”
“Honeybee, I don’t think we’re on the same page here. I’m completely lost. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Did I fall asleep through something and forget?”
Groaning, my head falls back on my shoulders, and I stare at the soft white ceiling for a moment.
“The last time…well, the only time we’ve had sex. And I took it from you when I shouldn’t have. I didn’t realise what I was doing at the time, and I’m so sorry,” I choke out, still unable to look at him. The dark, angry mess inside me keeps spilling out and tainting things, and I hate it.
“Do you regret being with me?” he whispers, as his fingers clench around my waist, holding me tighter.
“Of course not. But I wanted it to be perfect, and I tarnished it with this.” My hand gestures around my head, then lands back on his chest, and I decide to fix my gaze there.
“Well, I don’t regret it, and I wouldn’t change it either. None of this is easy. It’s all messy and raw. But we have each other; that’s all I need,” he says with a reverence that I feel in the deep recesses of my bones. His forehead drops to mine, and his hands slide up to cup my cheeks. “Plus, I’m not sure if you’re forgetting things, but that encounter we had was one of the best experiences of my life.” He chuckles, and the air tickles across my lips as our noses slide against each other.
“Oh.”
