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“I feel bad, sweets.”
“You don’t need to.” I roll onto my back, Nate’s soft bed cushioned beneath me as I drop the phone down beside my head. “You’ve popped by every week to check in on me, even though I don’t expect you to. You’re allowed to have a life.”
It takes effort to hold back the niggle of jealousy over the last part.
Because it doesn’t feel like I have much of a life anymore. And I want it back. What’s left of it, at least.
“But I should be there for you,” Steph grouches, the whine in her tone pulling me from the darker thoughts.
“And you are. You’re just on the phone rather than in person,” I quip and smile at the loud huff she makes.
“Then you miss out on my hugs.”
I wince, and I’m grateful she’s unable to see it. “True.”
Not a complete lie, as I do miss her hugs. The idea of them, at least. I still struggle to enjoy actual contact from other people, not that there have really been other people. Steph’s the only person I’ve physically seen in a few weeks, outside of the guys.
Again, bitter much?
Maybe I need to stop pitying myself so much and try leaving the flat. If I never try it, I’m never going to get over the fear. And if they never find him…then I’ll have to start getting used to it at some point.
Maybe that’s another day’s problem to panic over.
“So, update me, have you spoken to Max or Nate yet? Has Bry or Noah made a move now you’re on the same sexy page?”
“I had a chat with Max yesterday.”
“Bitch, you need to get better at spilling the tea. You keep teasing me with hints, then not giving me the goods. You spoke to him…and?”
“I hardly have any tea in my life. It’s consumed with therapy, therapy homework, napping, eating, spiralling, yo-yo-ing between emotions, and feeling claustrophobic being stuck here,” I tell her, ticking the lengthy list from my fingers.
“Sorry,” she offers contritely. “That was shitty of me.”
“No, it wasn’t. I’m being shitty.” I sigh, scrubbing a hand across my eyes before letting it fall back on the bed. “And the chat with Max was good, I think? He’s so easy to get lost in, like a puppy you just want to snuggle and never let go.”
“God, that sounds grossly cute.”
I chuckle, feeling giddy as my thoughts wander to him. He really is the sunshine to my dark thoughts, although any of the guys are. Without them, I’m unsure where I’d be in all this. Probably drowning rather than treading water. Occasionally, a big tidal wave will crash over me, pushing me back under, but they’re all there helping to keep me afloat.
“He is cute. I found out he’s been volunteering and helping Anita at the rescue on the weekends,” I reveal, chewing on my lip as my heart expands in gratitude. He wouldn’t have told me if I hadn’t found out. He didn’t do it for recognition or for anything other than wanting to support me.
“That sneaky man. That’s pretty sweet of him. So, all that worry about him avoiding you was just him trying to do something thoughtful. Damn.” Steph laughs.
I groan loudly. “I know. Apparently, us talking before about communicating better is still just words until we actually put it into practice. But we did kiss. After I apologised for taking advantage of him that other time.”
“And I bet he told you the same thing I did: there’s no way you took advantage of the man who basically drools when he looks at you.”
My eyes widen. He doesn’t drool. I mean…when he looks at me, it does set off a swarm of butterflies in my stomach, though. “Of course he’s going to say that. Well, not in those exact words. Except, I needed to at least apologise for what it felt like I’d done.”
Steph makes a sound of disagreement. “So the kiss? Was it good? I know you said you want to explore more physically with them. Will you promise me to go slow and not jump in too quickly?”
“I don’t want to go too quickly either. But there’s also so many crazy feelings for them, and I don’t want to hold back. I’m under no illusion that I’ve moved on from what happened, but I’m also fed up with being so stagnant. He’s made me feel so out of control of my own life, and I want to take some of it back. They make me feel safe, cared for, loved.” I choke, the emotions too much as they bubble up and spill out.
“Argh, I hate that man. No, he’s not even a man; he’s just dog shit. Or wait, no. The flies that land on dog shit. Maybe we need to take matters into our own hands. Do you think the dark web exists? Maybe I can find an assassin or something.”
“What? No. Wait. Don’t start searching for that…Steph?”
“Why not? I’m using incognito mode,” she mumbles distractedly.
