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“How is it you’re barely able to eat a sandwich without falling asleep, yet you can manage to roll a joint with one hand?” Everest grumbles, his jaw clenched so tightly that I can hear his teeth grinding. I sigh, my head tipped back against the wall and smoke curling toward the ceiling. I’m not allowed to sit in the window anymore, Everest’s orders.
“Priorities,” I half shrug and then wince at the action. The weed dulls the pain more than any of the pills he’s been plying me with. It’s the only thing able to shift the throbbing ache in my skull so that I can see without squinting.
Everest doesn’t argue further. He exhales through his nose, takes the joint from my fingers, and stubs it out with more violence than necessary before going back to wrapping my injured hand. His touch is careful, regret lacing his actions, though I’m yet to decide what part he’s feeling guilty about.
The part where he agreed to publicly date Meg, or for whatever’s been happening beyond these four walls that I don’t know about. As usual, once I’ve been seen to, Everest tucks me back into bed, kisses my forehead and promises to return later.
The vigil takes place at some point. There are flashes of it, either from my memory or one of many dreams running wild inside my damaged skull. A floral archway stands in the middle of campus, lilac roses and ribbons swaying in the wind. Candles cupped in trembling hands, Laura’s name printed on glossy boards, students crying for the cameras.
Nicholas is there too, his face carved into solemn lines without a trace of where I smashed a glass over his head. Beside him, Everest stands hollow-eyed and handsome, shrouded in grief like it’s another part of the façade he wears.
I remember standing on the edge of it all. Maybe. I think. Or I could be fabricating the images from the way Everest relays it back to me, along with the confession of having a panic attack and subsequently kissing Meg on the stadium floor. I tune out the finer details, unsure if I’d prefer his honesty or not. He was struggling, panicking, the days of caring for me creeping up on him, and Meg was there to comfort him when he needed it most. Who’s the savior in this scenario, I’m not sure anymore. All I’m hearing is I’m the reason he is constantly being pushed back into her arms.
“Tell me about this taxicab guy again,” I drawl, watching him through a haze of smoke and pain. I don’t know why the story tickles me so delightfully. Everest has been caring for me so well after all, but seeing him get all riled up with jealousy is a stroke of karma I can’t help but indulge in.
“It’s him, you know,” Everest huffs violently through his nose. “That fucker who glitter bombed me and hacked my laptop. He’s been hiding behind the scenes, screwing with my calendar and now what? He’s here, sweeping Meg up like a fucking fairytale?” Pacing at the head of my bed, his actions become increasingly agitated by the second. “How the hell am I supposed to date her with this asshole getting in the way?! And we were just getting somewhere.”
Everest groans, tugging on the roots of his hair. I’m getting dizzy watching him walk in circles, so I cast my gaze back towards my window. I can’t pinpoint exactly when we stopped dancing round Everest’s craving for Meg’s attention and started openly talking about it, but I reckon I was passed out during that particular rambling.
“You know she’s still in his room, right? Stayed there all night. Danny is keeping me posted with updates. Wait till my father hears about this.”
“Calm down, Draco Malfoy,” I roll my eyes, deciding I can’t lie here another second without carving my brains out with the nearest sculpting scalpel. Such a thought would give Counselor Dowley a heart attack.
My migraine is a permanent fixture now, but through pure determination to get away from this conversation, I swing my legs over the side of the bed. The morning sun slips through the curtains to spear me in the eyes. Bracing my good hand against the mattress until the room stops spinning, I push upright and inhale deeply. The air in here is stale, thick with weed smoke, antiseptic, old sweat, and Everest’s cologne clinging to every surface.
“I need air,” I state, wobbling slightly. Everest is by my side in a second.
“I’ll open a window.” Attempting to sit me back down, I shake him off and reach for my drawers. Grabbing a pair of ripped jeans and a T-shirt at random, I lean down for my scruffy sneakers. A sudden throb assaults my head, causing me to groan, but I don’t stop, scooping up my clothes, my satchel, and a towel.
“I’m going to shower, and then I’m going to class, Everest. I need a social interaction that isn’t listening to you talk about Meg fucking O’Connor.” His mouth parts, then closes again, a flush creeping over his cheekbones. I don’t know if Everest thought Nicholas’ order to date Meg deemed it acceptable to open up the topic for discussion, but I’m still not okay with it. I literally glassed Nicholas in the head, lashing out against the monster who haunts me, and I’ve been paying for it ever since.
Moving across the room, I pause with my hand on the doorframe, hearing Everest shuffle right behind me.
“Do you want some help showering?” he offers, his voice quiet with concern. I hang my head, sighing through my nose. My head is indeed swimming, most likely from lack of proper nutrition and an overhaul of non-prescribed medication, yet I manage to remain upright.
“Not this time. I think you should go home, get your head sorted. It sounds like you’ve got a lot to figure out.” I do try to keep the bitterness out of my voice, and fail spectacularly. Edging closer, Everest lingers as I glance over my shoulder. “Don’t worry, I can look after myself. One less burden for you to deal with.” A flash of hurt bursts through his eyes, quickly chased away by his features twisting in anger. I start to open the door, but he reaches past and slams it back closed.
“When are you going to remember everything I do is for you?” he hisses, spinning me and slamming my back against the wall. I groan, but Everest doesn’t let up the pressure on my chest. I guess I’ve used up all my free passes to be a dick whilst recovering. “What else do you expect me to do?!”
“I want you to stop lying!” I shove him back in a clash of will and muscle. “Stop hiding behind daddy’s orders and just be truthful.” Smacking his shoulder, I try to barge past, but Everest pushes me a step back.
“I fell in love with her the moment I first laid eyes on her,” he blurts out, the words leaving him in a rush. I freeze in place, watching the man before me crumple and bleed out without even moving at all. “I was hurting and missing you. I have a thousand excuses, but it just happened. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t encourage it. In fact, I pushed her away as much as I could, but she’s like a magnet. I can’t stop being drawn in her direction, but I can’t lose you, Cody. I can’t stop loving you either.”
For a moment, I forget how to move. The smoke hanging in the air becomes suspended, the pale strip of morning sunlight unmoving against the carpet. Everest appears just as shocked with himself, his cheeks blazing red now and lips parted. He loves her, and he’s only just realized it. All of a sudden, the fight floods out of me. I’m standing in the midst of a battle I’ve already lost.
Taking a measured step back, the distance between us has never felt greater. I took years of beatings for nothing. I started a fire for nothing. I faked a kidnapping for nothing. Although I suppose now we have the truth. Swallowing, my throat scrapes as I force myself to breathe through the ache expanding behind my ribs.
“I think that’s the first real thing you’ve said in a long time.” Everest flinches as if I’ve slapped him. I turn away before he can reach for me, opening the door and stepping into the hallway.
“Code,” Everest whispers, still concerned with keeping his presence in my room a secret. I glance back at him, my clothes clutched in my grip. His eyes are darting between mine, helpless and confused. Yet there’s nothing I can say or do to help him. This is wholly no longer my problem.
“It’s okay, Everest. I relieve you of guilt. Go find her.” Without giving him time to argue, I stride toward the shower, pretending my heart isn’t breaking every step of the way. Once inside, I scrub my body as if the water can rinse away everything I no longer want to feel. I’ve just about managed it too, scolding myself into oblivion.
Leaving my palm unbandaged, I ruff up my wet hair and head out, pointedly ignoring the hallway behind me. Actually, I ignore everything. The world blurring around me, the ache behind my ribs, the sting in my palm, the weakness of muscle that hasn’t gone further than the front door in days. Usually, Nicholas pulls his punches when it comes to my face, but this time, the purple blooming across my jaw is visible for all to see.
Students step out of my way, presuming I’m my usual antisocial, uncaring self, and I suppose they aren’t wrong. I’m the same as I was yesterday, last week, last month. Only now, I have the knowledge that I couldn’t outrun my lonely fate, no matter what I did out of desperation to cling to it.
Pushing through the studio door, my autopilot comes to an abrupt halt as I find my seat occupied. Meg has planted herself right in the center of the room, her spine straight and features set with determination. There’s a flicker of satisfaction in her blue eyes when she notices me, and despite the ache in my skull and the fact that Everest’s confession is still lodged somewhere behind my sternum, I don’t feel the rush of hatred surge forward.
