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“I did,” I admit openly. There’s no use hiding it. “Numerous times whilst we were away, as well as this morning. But that wasn’t it.” Cody frowns up at me, his face that was so recently exposed and vulnerable quickly shutting down. I allow him to withdraw slightly, becoming defensive all over again. “We found Harrison. We…thought he’d hurt Laura, and we killed him.”

“You did not just tell me you’re casually screwing Meg and that you’ve killed someone in the same sentence.” Taking his hands in mine, I chew on my bottom lip and raise one shoulder.

“At this point, I don’t know which one will enrage you more.” Cody scoffs, pulling his hands back to sit on them instead.

“I don’t believe you.” Narrowing his eyes, the tic in his clenched jaw beats. Cody can deny this all he likes, but it won’t change a single thing. There are many things I wish I could take back, this one being further towards the end of the list.

“It happened. I took the gun father gave me, and I helped to bury the body.” My voice is steadier now. I’ve spent the past week trying to run away from the memories, to burn myself out in lacrosse and numb my mind with catching up on classes. Nothing helps to get the feeling of wet earth out from beneath my nails, the scent of a deer carcass from my nose, the sight of Harrison’s body crumpling into the hole out of my memories. Perhaps admitting it out loud will help me to come to terms with it instead.

“But you didn’t pull the trigger,” Cody’s frown lifts. “You could still call it in, plead that you didn’t know what was going to happen, your father’s lawyers would—” I hold up my hand, halting him right there.

“Are you even listening? Following your kidnapping ruse, I took my gun to a convict’s home, which Thiago found illegally by hacking phone and bank records, watched Meg shoot him, single handedly buried his body, and then drove thirty miles down the road to fuck her in a filthy service stop.”

Cody flinches and I reel myself back in. Okay, maybe that was a little too honest.

“The point is, we are tied up in this now. There’s no going back. We just have to stick together.” Cody’s focus shifts somewhere beyond my shoulder, the realization of what we’re wrapped up in dawning on him. He may have inadvertently started all of this, but it’s our new reality now. Whether he likes it or not, Meg and even Thiago are part of our lives going forward.

Eventually, when he’s yet to speak but the cold sweat breaks over him once again, I leave to make some soup. He’s curled up on his side when I return, and not sick enough to turn his nose up at the gloop I offer him. I’m many things, but a chef is not one of them, and this offering is straight out of a can.

“I would literally rather die,” Cody grumbles. I shove his shoulder and tsk at his choice of phrasing. Nudging my way onto the mattress, I sit beside him, spoon in hand and a glare etched into my features as I lift it toward his mouth. Thankfully, for the sake of the Egyptian cotton sheets, he accepts it with a grimace. Relief unfurls slowly through my chest, the fact he’s able to keep it down allowing me to relax a little.

We make it through three more spoonfuls before he waves me away, exhausted but a sickly shade of gray no longer clinging to his cheeks. Setting the bowl aside, I help him lower back against the pillows, brushing my knuckles over his cheek. Not many words are shared as night settles around us. I suppose there’s not much left to say.

As Cody drifts off, wakes, then drifts again, I shed my clothes and curl in behind him. He snuggles in close without even opening his eyes. His body is warmer now, his forehead resting beneath my chin.

“I love you,” I murmur because I can’t let one more night pass without reminding him. As fucked up and broken as we are, I will always love him. Cody’s even breathing is my only response, as if his exhaustion has been holding out for the moment I pressed my hand against his chest to memorize the rhythm of his heartbeat.

I’m thankful that at least one of us is able to find some rest tonight because it absolutely won’t be me. My mind will replay every instance and interaction since the Fresher’s Party, scrutinizing signs I’ve missed, sins I’ve committed, secrets I’ve buried, and somehow try to solve the impossible task of how I’m going to protect us all.

Chapter Thirty Four

By morning, Cody appears marginally less dead. I admit, it’s not a high bar, but there’s color faintly returning to his cheeks, and if I thought he gave me attitude about the soup, I wasn’t prepared for the argument we’d have over granola. To Cody, breakfast consists of a smoke and an energy drink. I decide then and there, one condition of moving him into my house will be fixing his diet. I’m taking back control over everything.

I leave Cody dozing in bed, a folded towel at the far end with orders to shower and come find me when he has. He barely cracks an eye and flips me off, and I bite down on my grin. Yeah, we’re going to be just fine. Better than fine. We’re going to be happy, I’ll make sure of it.

Heading into my study, I drop into the large leather chair and run a hand over my face. Spooning Cody, I managed to get a few hours of sleep once I’d been able to settle my mind. Behind my eyelids, I formatted my life into neat boxes like those of a spreadsheet. Each one had an action, consequence and solution. Then, I woke at the crack of dawn to type them out, color coding and rearranging the order until the turbulence in my chest has eased. We all have our vices, here's mine.

Dean Colt calls me early in the morning, enquiring why I didn’t turn up to practice or classes yesterday afternoon, and if I am planning to attend some review meeting with Coach that I’d forgotten about. What she really wanted to know is if I was planning to disappear for days on end again. I heard my father gave her an old-fashioned scolding last time, threatening to sue her and each of the campus security staff personally. Hence, the personal check-in’s so she can face my father with a clean conscience going forward.

Light spills into the study, gleaming against the mahogany desk. I almost shoot a message to one of the jocks, demanding a coffee before I remember I’ve kicked them all out. All of the freeloaders who were using my guest rooms, sofas and floors as a crash pad. All of the cheerleaders who were hoping I’d look their way if they were strewn across my furniture practically naked. I’m popular by default, and even I have some class.

Trailing downstairs, I take my time, listening to each thud of my bare feet on the stairs. Dragging my fingertips along the railing. It’s peaceful, empty, mine. I’m going full Beauty and the Beast on my house, keeping Cody locked up where I can see and take care of him. The kitchen’s a mess, and I take my time cleaning it while the coffee machine brews. Since when did such simple pleasures start to feel like a luxury?

I return to my study, steaming mug in hand, to find Cody lying across the desk, my laptop balanced on his stomach. With one arm resting behind his head, he drags his grey gaze from the screen to look at me. The resulting smile makes his dimples pop and my heart flutter.

“Since when did you become domesticated?” he asks, glancing down at the mug, the glow illuminating the sharp lines of his face. “Ahh yes, since column E3. Take back ownership of the house.” Trailing the words with his finger, he openly mocks me and I don’t mind. Not one bit. Crossing the room, I lower into my seat and sip my coffee, watching him read with a smug curve to his mouth.

“Ooh, get Cody clean. You can tick that one off, see?” He shakes his damp hair in my direction. I protect my drink, almost spilling it in the process and nudge him back towards the desk.

“You know that’s not what that means,” I roll my eyes but he’s already moved on.

“Solidify Thiago as an ally. Good luck with that one. Confess all to Meg.” His smile fades then, uneasy eyes sliding to me. “Confess all? As in everything?” I nod slowly, reaching out to smooth the pinch from between his brows.

“We can’t keep living with secrets,” I state, moving my fingers to the trackpad. He doesn’t look convinced, and I can’t blame him. Secrets have been the scaffolding behind our entire relationship, and this is where we’ve ended up. Repressed and regretful. My fingers move to the trackpad, scrolling lower until the final solution appears at the bottom of the sheet.

Go public with my relationship with Cody.

He goes completely still, rereading the line over and over as if he’s worried it’s a cruel trick of text and light. His eyes flicker, fear and uncertainty storming through the gray, but beneath that is something else. A cautious hope that has known better than to get too carried away.