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This party turned out pretty good after all.

Chapter Seventeen

Close Familiarity (8 Letters)

Seb

I almost told him I was in love with him the night of the pool party.

Several times.

The moment he kissed me. The moment he told me about his tail. The moment he got a little choked up when he showed it to me.

That awful, gut-wrenching moment after we’d both come, when I’d completely forgotten that it had all just been a “lesson,” that none of it was real, until he asked how he’d done and I remembered in a soul-destroying rush that this was all just practice for him.

I’d almost blurted it out then. I’d almost told him that this was all real to me, that I was a fucking idiot who kept hoping it was something more than it was. That he didn’t need to be so worried about showing future partners his sweet little tail, because I’d seen it now, and I would stay with him forever. He wouldn’t need to ever show anyone else if he didn’t want to.

It’d felt like my heart was cracking in half. Kissing him had been a bad idea. Such a bad idea. Keeping that off the table had been my only barrier. The only way to protect myself from this crushing me completely once it was all over.

But now we’d smashed that barrier down, and I had no defences left.

I couldn’t tell him anyway. That would be unbelievably unfair and selfish, because if I told him I loved him, it would mean I was expecting some kind of response. I’d be forcing him to acknowledge the feelings I was throwing at him unprompted and out of the blue, when he’d been completely honest about what this was. I’d be forcing him to… make some kind of decision. Like an ultimatum.

Like a threat. Love me back or this all ends.

I couldn’t force him to love me, and I definitely couldn’t bear the thought of causing Larkin any kind of stress or guilt that he absolutely did not deserve to feel.

So no. I wouldn’t ever tell him. I wouldn’t do that to him.

Monday night once I got home after the party had been a little bleak, to be honest. It had ended well—Larkin and I had sat together on the loungers, just talking and joking around until people finally started drifting home and calling cabs.

When he’d texted asking me to meet him in the spare bedroom, I’d been convinced he was going to tell me he was done with his lessons, that he felt confident enough to just go for it with the wrestlers. I’d gotten shamefully jealous and surly when he’d declined coming into the hot tub with me, saying he was going to “watch the guys” in the pool. Now that I knew the real reason, I felt incredibly guilty for leaving him most of the afternoon. I just hadn’t wanted to get in the way—be the sad wolf trailing after him while he flirted with all the wrestlers.

He’d seemed lighter after telling me about his tail. Like a weight had been lifted. I hoarded that secret little piece of him I now had, beyond grateful to share something intimate with him that wasn’t just sex-related.

But my house had felt unbearably empty when I got home, and I hadn’t slept well. I was sluggish at the gym on Tuesday morning, which Ludo thankfully just attributed to the couple of beers I’d had the night before. He wasn’t any better off.

I didn’t need to pick up Holt this morning, because he was coming in with Taylor, and by the time I got into work, I’d managed to squash down the confusing tangle of emotions churning in my brain. I knew it probably wasn’t all that healthy, but needs must. If I turned up at work acting strange, Larkin would assume it was about what he’d shared with me last night. Something so vulnerable that he’d struggled to tell me.

And my instinct had been right. When I opened the office door, his head popped up at his desk with an unsure smile, anxiety making his big blue eyes overly bright.

I made sure to give him a proper smile, which seemed to relax him. His shoulders relaxed and he grinned wide, reaching for the cupholder on his desk, which held four drinks today.

“Coffee or hot chocolate?” he asked teasingly.

“Coffee,” I said straight away, because I actually did need it this morning. He laughed and tugged one of the cups free to hand it to me, then immediately grabbed another and took a big gulp, which meant he’d been waiting for me to pick. Affection tightened my chest. I tried to stamp it down and failed.

“I think Holt will be busy all day with Taylor,” he said as I sat down on the couch and unfolded my newspaper, “so maybe we could finish that crossword? You know, from the other night. I’ve been thinking about thirteen across. I can’t remember if we have any letters for it already, but I think I’ve got it.”

I smiled over at him. “Sure.”

“Noice.” He spun his chair from side to side, grinning at me, then nodded at my paper. “Anything good happening in the news?”

I chuckled. “Anything good? No. Never good.”

“Really? So why do you read it every day?” he asked curiously.

I shrugged. “Just habit, I guess. It passes the time in here.”