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“I am a depraved pervert,” I said woodenly, washing the bleach bowl out in the sink. “You know this.”
“Jerking off over your smoking hot neighbour who fixes your fence in booty shorts and a wet T-shirt does not make you a depraved pervert, Rafe,” Nev said patiently. “It makes you sane. I’d worry if you weren’t jerking off over that.”
I pursed my lips and exhaled heavily through my nose. After another long pause, I finally admitted in a hoarse voice, “I told him.”
Nev sucked in a breath so fast he choked. “You told him you’re attracted to him?”
I cringed. If only I’d been that reserved.
“No,” I croaked. “I told him I’d seen him sucking himself off. And that I—” Another cringe almost had me slithering onto the floor. “—humped my mattress.”
Silence followed. Excruciating silence. Then Nev, his tone very careful, said, “Well. Some people might find that hot—”
“And then I tried to kiss him,” I blurted, giving in and sliding my back down the cabinet. “And he pulled away.”
“Oh, good gravy.” Nev groaned under his breath.
My headache was coming back—the bleach fumes probably weren’t helping—so I tipped onto my side until my hot cheek was pressed to the cool tiles. The plastic bag on my head crinkled.
Nev cleared his throat, then said brightly, “Well, that doesn’t… Who cares about Big Dick Dan anyway? He probably doesn’t even have that big of a dick. In fact, it looked tiny in those booty shorts he was wearing—”
“It’s not tiny,” I interrupted miserably. “It’s big.”
“Well it’s probably too big,” Nev hurried out. “And you’re new to this. No one tries to fit a whole-ass burrito in their mouth the first time they eat Mexican food, right?”
I stared morosely at a crumb just in front of my nose. “What are you talking about, Nev?”
“Big dicks are overrated,” he said with a forced airy laugh. “In fact, dick size doesn’t even matter!”
“I didn’t bring up his dick size. You did. I don’t care what size his dick is.”
“That’s right,” Nev said emphatically, voice heavy with overbearing-supportive-mom energy. “Who gives a shit about Big Di—about Dan and his whatever-sized dick? He’s not even that hot!”
After a long pause, I mumbled, “That’s a lie. He is.”
“Okay, he is,” Nev conceded. “But there are plenty of other hot guys out there. Why don’t we go out tomorrow night? To a gay bar?”
I cringed. “I’m not setting foot in any bar for the next ten years.”
“Why do you sound so far away?” Nev asked, a frown in his voice. “Where are you?”
“Lying on my kitchen floor.” I flopped onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. “Might stay down here for the rest of the day.”
“Okay, no, none of that,” he said sternly. “No wallowing.”
“I like wallowing.”
“We’ve all been there, Rafe. We’ve all embarrassed ourselves. And if you’re hungover enough to miss game night, you were obviously pretty drunk, right? So that was probably why he… gallantly chose to delay your first kiss.”
I heaved out a huge sigh. “That’s a very nice way of saying he rejected me because I’m a sad loser pervert.”
“You’re not a sad loser pervert!” Neville huffed. “Okay, get up. Come on.”
I writhed pathetically on the floor. “No.”
“Up, Rafael Hare.”
I let out a long, whiny moan, but reluctantly dragged myself up off the floor and stood, my head swimming a little. “Just let me hate myself for one day.”
