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My belly has popped since being out of the hospital. I can barely see or reach my toes, forget about tying my shoes. I can barely bend over, and I beg for help every time I need to get up.

Viktor and Linda won’t get off my ass about eating everything in the fucking house, begging me to eat more.

Destiny begs to tell her a story every night before I go to sleep, and is at my door the second I wake up, wanting to tell her good morning.

The group has become ten times more protective of me. Anna literally barked at a man on the street one time because he looked at me weirdly.

Mason broke up with me the second he found out I was pregnant, and he got his ass absolutely whooped by Viktor when he found out the names he called me and the things he said.

It’s been a hard recovery after getting out of the hospital. I’m cleared to fully use crutches, a walker, or any other medical helper that I find fit for my lifestyle. Sometimes I still use my wheelchair to get around, some days being worse than others. I’m still in therapy, having to do exercises every day.

I have every medical device known to man to check on the baby right from my bed. I crave to hear her heartbeat, see her little face. She has my nose, Riot’s lips, the chubbiest cheeks. I can’t wait to see her eyes.

There have been no leads on Riot and where he’s at. Not one trace, not a hair, spit, or even a damn nail. Nothing. A piece of me breaks every day I learn there’s nothing new. After begging Viktor for a key to his bedroom, I moved into it. My clothes are reaching the point where they don’t cover my belly anymore, so I opt for wearing Riot’s clothes most of the time. His bed smells like him, but it disappears a little more every day. I’m craving for him to be under this roof, with me, with our baby.

I’ve come to accept I can’t change Riot to be who I want to love me. If he wants to love me the way I need, he will. If he can’t, I need to accept that. If he comes back and wants nothing to do with me or my baby, I’ll move away and make peace with being a single mother. I’ll always have a part of him in our daughter, but if he doesn’t want to give himself, that’s his choice.

I pray every night he comes back and truly loves me the way I deserve. But the nightmares that plague my sleep after I close my eyes say otherwise. I’m not mad at him anymore. I can’t be. He is who he is, and I am who I am. I want my future to be bright and happy. I know I’ll have one. I know it will be happy no matter what because of my daughter, but I don’t want to be in an unhappy relationship for the sake of our daughter.

I jump when out of nowhere, Destiny throws the door open, smashing it on the wall next to it. She makes a ‘yikes’ face before running over to Riot’s bed, jumping in it. “Let me hear the bebé,” she squeals, an accent on the word baby, reaching to my nightstand and pulling the fetal doppler out. I got this once I got home from the hospital, so I could hear my little girl whenever I wanted.

I take the gel from her hands and squeeze a small bit onto my belly, wincing at the cold of it. Destiny wastes no time before pressing the cold metal of the Doppler to my skin, a few seconds of finding the baby before the melodic rhythm of her heart flutters through the little speaker.

An exaggerated gasp comes from the door, and Melody and Anna are standing there. “Is it baby time?” One of them glees, both of them racing to the bed. I chuckle at their antics. This baby is beyond loved. I just wish Riot was here to love it.

“Should we call Kai in, too?” Destiny questions, pulling her phone out.

Ten minutes later, Destiny sits right next to me, Anna and Melody crowding the bottom of the bed. Linda sits in a chair pulled up next to the bed while Viktor is on his knees next to her, and Kai stands at the end of the bed, mindlessly playing with Melody’s hair, everyone listening to the heartbeat of my baby.

I couldn’t ask for a better support system. Everyone in this room cares so deeply for me and my daughter, and she hasn’t even come out yet.

My mind slips to my father a lot. Thinking about what it would be like right this second if I were still in that trailer. Would he kill me if I got pregnant? Probably. Would he kill the baby by beating me black and blue? More than likely. Would he cradle me in his arms and tell me everything is okay? Definitely not that.

Viktor has held me more than once, letting my tears stain his shirts. He’s like the older brother I wish I had to protect me growing up. He doesn’t judge me, look at me differently when I tell him the things I was forced to do. He just holds me, stroking my hair and telling me it’ll be okay.

Every time, I wish he would just poof away, replaced by Riot. I crave to be around him, feel him, even if it’s just his presence. I’ve become depressed, more than I was in that trailer. I yearn for what could be if we could just find him.

I think of what I want in life. A life, a good one. Full of happiness and love for my partner. Gratefulness to still be alive and flourishing. Thankful for the life I would build for myself and my daughter.

I want to live in Greece. My grandma lives there. I remember mom telling me about her when I was young. How her presence literally made birds sing. I’ve only met her once, when I was born, but obviously I don’t remember that. I’d want to see her, live close to her, so I can build a relationship with her, if she’ll let me. I wonder if she even remembers me, cares about me, or knows where I am. I hope.

I think of the house I want. I want a traditional Greek house, you know, the ones you see in the magazines? Yeah those. I want to be on the beach, so I can go swimming whenever I want, and teach my daughter how to swim. I want it to be modern. A smart fridge, talking toilet, I want it all. I want to look like Jeff fucking Bezos in that bitch.

I want the biggest bed possible, with a million blankets. A room to paint and draw, filled with every color, every paintbrush, every pen and pencil known to man. I want to have everything I wasn’t allowed to have growing up. I want to feel rich, to drown the feeling of having nothing.

My thoughts disappear, and I’m brought back into reality. My family, not by blood, but by choice, surrounds me, love for me and this baby filling every inch of this room.

Viktor is now on his phone, typing furiously. Linda sits on her phone, talking to me about the pastries she’s cooked recently. Linda moved back to her house, with security guarding it twenty-four-seven.

She doesn’t come up to the Manor a lot, not liking the feeling of being in a car for three hours straight. I know why else she doesn’t want to leave. She’s scared. She was shot, kidnapped, and God knows what else they did to her that I don’t know. I don’t blame her for not wanting to leave. If she feels safe where she’s at and wants to stay, she should be allowed to.

My group of friends is all huddled at the end of the bed, watching videos on one of their phones, giggling at the comments.

I think this is what life is meant to be like. Surrounded by the ones you love, everything is natural, normal. Not pain and suffering, but warmth and comfort. I’m thankful for these people who crowd around the bed.

I’m thankful to Destiny for shooting that man when he got angry with me. I’m thankful she led me to Melody, Kai, and Anna. I’m thankful they took me into their friend group, treating me like I’m one of them, making sure I’m never alone or feel left out. They have always been there for me, making sure I have everything I need and more.

Now they are here for my baby, too. The amount of stuff they have bought her proves that, but what really matters is how they treat me. They help me with whatever I need. I just can’t get the thoughts out of my head. The support and love. I’ll say it millions of times if I have to.