Page 65

“Come on.” Tyler squeezed him. “That was all you. I had nothing to do with it. Not really.”

“Disagree. I became an athlete to feel seen. Worthy. I became a coach to return the favor. All because you inspired me and the coaches at Hamilton didn’t. And now look at me. Full circle.” Josh stroked his belly. “Goals make a difference. Approval. Fame. Hope. Anything that kicks your butt, keeps you focused, and greases the wheels is rare and precious. And for me, that would be you, even with a bum ticker and early onset bedhead.”

“Hey.” Tyler reached up and smushed his springy dark hair down as best he could. “I need a cut pretty soon.”

Josh pushed his hands into Tyler’s hair till it stood up again. “Crushes are all well and good, but I’d say we’re way past high school hormones and lusting after a hot jock in the showers.” Josh squeezed him tight. “Although the lusting has only gotten worse.”

Tyler actually laughed at that and wiped his nose, wiped his eyes. “Yeah.”

Josh dropped his gaze. “I keep thinking of things I need to tell you, but then you already know… somehow.”

Tyler’s breath caught at the tenderness in his voice. At the realization that he’d held Josh’s heart all this time but been blind to it. How many things had he missed by grabbing for the brass ring? Ambition made everything else harder to see.

Tyler shrugged. “Puberty sucks.”

“Says you. Piss off.” Josh swatted him and poked his ribs till he squirmed. “Captain of the football team. High school heartthrob. The whole world loved you. Hey, try being invisible. Or weird.” Josh’s fingers trailed idly along Tyler’s arm as they lay tangled together. “I was such an idiot,” he murmured. “Too hung up to even say hello. Pining after the MVP. Pretty lame. You were way out of my league.”

“Hardly. It may have looked easier, but it was just as awful.” Tyler tensed, a knot forming in his stomach. “I was a big, stupid mess in school. I never stopped feeling like a fraud.”

“Are you kidding? You never had to pine. Or fantasize.”

“I fantasized too. About other things. Because I was getting into fights, chasing girls, jerking off in the john. Always scrapping and lying to get respect from people I didn’t respect at all. Doing what everyone expected me to do so they’d leave me alone.”

“Gorgeous, confident, capable. The whole county worshipped you,” Josh said. “Untouchable.”

Tyler laughed at that, sour inside. “I guess it looked like that. Books and covers.” He shook his head, old insecurities rising. “At school, maybe….” He trailed off.

He didn’t know how to make Josh understand. High school had taught him plenty, given him a chance to create a useful image that kept him safe, a fancy escape hatch that led anywhere else.

Josh touched his face. “You know you’re way more than that, right? Forget football; look at all the things you’ve accomplished. You’re a hero to a lot of people, a lot of kids out in the sticks.”

“Maybe now, but big and dumb as I was….” He frowned.

“Hey. Stop beating yourself up.” Josh poked him, frowning.

“Football was my only way out. Beating the shit out of meatheads like me over a ball. My mom hated me getting hurt like that. The violence of it.” He looked down and shook his head.

“You’ll never convince me you weren’t amazing.”

“I don’t think—” His face wouldn’t do what he wanted. His therapist had hinted that they would get here eventually, that he’d have to explain to Josh at some point, but suddenly he wasn’t sure he was brave enough to do it. He shook his head again in mute pain, terrified of how Josh would see him after tonight. “I’m not.”

“Not what?” Josh propped himself up on one elbow, brows furrowing with concern. “What is it?” he asked gently.

“Special. I wasn’t special. Or untouchable.” He sighed and took the plunge. “I was terrified. I mean… violence is in me. Inside me. She knew. My mom.” Tyler pressed a hand against his own chest, over his screwed-up heart. “Ugly. Scary. Bad.” He scowled, struggling to make Josh understand but not sure even now if that was such a good idea.

“Not football.” Josh got very quiet then, his deep blue eyes confused and a little wary.

“No. Well, later maybe, but not like you’re thinking.”

Josh just watched him, waiting.

“My father was….” Tyler took a shaky breath. “Not a nice person. Ever. He hurt us, a lot. My family. And I couldn’t stop anything.” Hot tears pricked his eyes.

Josh nodded, his face tense.

“An honest-to-God monster,” Tyler whispered. “A drunk. A mean drunk and worse, but we didn’t understand that stuff when we were little. Just the hurting and yelling.” He glanced up but couldn’t fake a smile. “He wasn’t home much, and he could be fun, but then some little thing would… set him off. And he’d go after my mom till she screamed.” He shook his head like he could dislodge the memory. “They knew us all pretty good at the ER.”

“I didn’t know.”