Page 100
“You’re doing it,” he says with a soft laugh. “You really do excel at everything you try.”
“I’m barely staying upright.”
“Yeah, give it five minutes and you’ll be skating circles around me.”
I almost smile. Then my right blade catches a groove and the whole experiment fails at once. I pitch forward. He catches me, except because we’re both on skates, we tumble over. We go down in a graceless slide, my chest to his, with his back on the ice, the two of us traveling a few feet in a heap before we come to a stop. My glasses are crooked. His hat has come off. I can feel him breathing hard under me, and every single place we touch heats up.
He’s grinning like this is the best thing we’ve done all week. I beg to differ.
“We fell,” I say.
“Yeah. It’s all part of the process. It only counts if you don’t get back up.” His hands are on my waist, and it would be really easy to just lay here on top of him. “You okay?”
“I think so. Are you?”
“I’m good anytime you’re in my arms or laying on top of me,” he says. Then he kisses me.
Out here. In the open. Where anyone could see us, like we don’t have a rule against this sitting on my desk back in the dorm. For a second, I kiss him back, because it feels like the most natural thing in the world. Then my brain catches up.
Someone really could see us. A car on the road. His parents. His brother. Anyone from town. We aren’t dating; we aren’t supposed to do this. We agreed.
I make a sound into his mouth that is more of a protest than a moan and pull back too fast. The cold rushes into the space between us I just made.
“Quinn?”
“We’re outside,” I say, and my voice comes out thin. I try to get up, and my skates slide again, which doesn’t help when I need space. I can’t be touching him right now. Not when I want things I can’t have. “Someone could—your family—we said—” I know I’m panicking. I can feel it in my chest.
“Hey.” He sits up with me, still holding on so I don’t tip over backward. The smile is gone. He looks cautious now. “Okay. Okay. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”
I nod. I can’t get a full breath. The panic isn’t a full blown attack yet, it’s just there, a tight feeling under my ribs. The same one I get in large crowds, only this one is imaginary.
“I wanted to,” I say, because that’s also true, and I don’t want him to put the kiss in the mistake column and stop kissing me completely. “I just—public…I can’t. We aren’t dating.”
“Yeah.” He swallows hard. He watches me like he wants to kiss me again but is physically stopping himself. “Not dating. I hear you. I was caught up in the moment.”
I get my skates under me with his help and stand there shaking out my gloves. The pond is still empty. Nobody saw us. The rule is still technically intact, except it isn’t, because he did it, and I liked it, and now I have to live with that knowledge.
“Can we go back?” I ask.
“Yeah.” He picks up his hat, his face serious. “We can go back.”
He skates me to the bench the same way we got out on the ice, except he doesn’t look quite as happy about it. I miss his smile immediately. And I hate that I asked him to stop something I enjoyed.
I need to get my head straight. This week has messed with me a little bit. I sit down to take the skates off and keep my eyes on the laces so I don’t look at his mouth and decide to ask him to kiss me again. Tomorrow, we’ll be back at the dorm, where I know the rules.
FORTY-SEVEN
DANIEL
He’s being different. And I can’t help but wonder if I caused it by kissing him on the ice last Wednesday. If I could go back and take it back, I would. Because I want the old Quinn back.
I come in from another hard practice and he’s sitting cross legged on his bed with a science experiment set up, reminding me of the first day I met him. Only, this time, I don’t destroy it the second I walk through the door.
I drop my gear bag near my closet space and kick off my shoes, holding up the bag of food I got from the taco place. “I bought dinner.”
He glances up, pushing his glasses up his nose. “I ate already.”
I try to ignore the disappointment and force a smile. “Oh. More for me, then.”
