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I squirmed in my seat. This wasn’t going as well as I’d hoped. Also, the chairs were hard, and my badly bruised butt was still aching from the joust. “Why would we lie?” I asked.

The grand vizier turned his sneer back in our direction. “Why, indeed? Maybe to convince His Imperial Majesty to send his army into the Swamp of Monsters?”

“Good point,” the emperor said. “Troops that go into the Swamp of Monsters usually don’t come back out.”

“If we were traitors—” Yudit began.

“You don’t have permission to speak!” Dr. Pipt snapped. “Stay silent, squire.”

The emperor waved a hand airily. “Oh, let him talk. I want to see where this goes.”

“What I was trying to point out,” Yudit said, “is that if we were traitors trying to destroy your army, we’d have come up with something more plausible.”

“So we should believe you because your story was so unbelievable?” asked Dr. Pipt.

Yudit glared at him. “You should believe us because we couldn’t make this shit up.”

“Which is exactly what a liar would say.”

“Which is exactly how an idiot would react to the truth.” My sister rose to her feet and slammed her hands on the table. Tea went sloshing out of the cups. The grand vizier shot up as well, sending his chair skittering back across the floor.

“If you think insulting me—”

“—not even worth insulting—”

“—telling us a pack of lies—”

“—wouldn’t know a lie if I shoved one up your—”

“—ignorant Ecossic bumpkin—”

“Um,” I said. They took no notice.

“—arrogant prick in a robe—”

“—should throw you in a dungeon—”

“—like to see you try—”

The emperor raised a finger. The two of them ground to a halt, breathing hard. They’d leaned so far across the table that they were almost touching foreheads. Their faces were flushed from shouting. It wasn’t terribly different from the way my sister looked when she had a serious crush.

“Sit,” the emperor said.

Dr. Pipt pulled his chair back to the table and thumped down in it. After a moment, Yudit did the same.

“As entertaining as that was,” the emperor continued, “it added little to the discussion, and we must move on. Sir Jules, I have decided I must investigate your claims. Not,” he added when the grand vizier opened his mouth to object, “because I’m taking them at their word, Nikidik. I cannot ignore any path that might lead to the rescue of Ilyana the Golden. I love her dearly, you see, and have been racked with grief since her disappearance.”

The grand vizier scowled and crossed his arms, but there was little he could say in objection to that.

“But Nikidik is also correct that I should not send forces to the Swamp of Monsters. Nor will I delay searching for Ilyana wherever else she might be. So while I march to the northern kingdoms with my armies, I charge you, Sir Jules, as a soldier in my service, to go back to the swamp and rescue her yourself.”

“What?” I squeaked. Much as I wanted Ilyana to be rescued—and indeed, much as someone had to rescue her in order to stave off the war the Red Emperor was about to launch—I’d nearly died multiple times when I was last in the Swamp of Monsters. If I was going back there, I’d really rather do it with an army at my back. “Can’t I bring along a squadron of your knights? Or some wizards?” As little as I liked or trusted Red Empire wizards, I couldn’t deny it would be handy to have a few of them around for something like this.

“I won’t risk so many lives on mere hearsay,” the emperor said. “If you’ve been to the genius’s palace, as you claim, then you have firsthand knowledge of the battleground. You’re by far the best man for the job if she’s been recaptured by these monsters.”

“I stayed in the palace for a single night, yes, but I’m not—”

“Don’t be so modest. I’m a keen judge of men, and you, Sir Jules, are the greatest specimen of manhood that I’ve seen in many years. Just the sort of proper man’s man for this kind of job. Bring Ilyana to me in no more than two weeks’ time.” He tapped his fingers on the table, considering. “That means you’ll have to meet me on the road. My armies decamp tomorrow with wizard-enhanced speed. Faster than any ship! We’ll catch our foes completely unprepared.”