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It wasn’t in my nature to walk away, especially from someone who clearly needed help. But Shannon didn’t want my help, maybe she didn’t even want my friendship. I didn’t know, but I did know how to survive and that’s why I left.
My own survival required it.
Shannon
“If you want to talk to him, just go talk to him. But stop sulking, you’re making the customers sad.” Mara stared at me, waiting for a response, I supposed, but I didn’t have anything to say, yet, on the topic of Miles.
“That’s not so bad. Sad people eat their feelings and carbs and sugar are the best remedy for sadness.”
She nodded her agreement. “Which would be perfect if you were making them that kind of sad. You’re making them worried that your bad news is contagious, so do a better job of hiding it or just go to talk him.”
“I’m fine,” I told her and stepped up to open the second cash register I was sure we would never need in a town the size of Pilgrim, but business had been crazy lately and instead of running myself ragged, I decided to open the second register. “Absolutely fine.”
Mara snorted. “If you say it one more time, maybe I’ll believe it.”
“Smart ass,” I grumbled under my breath.
“Better than living in the Land of Denial,” she shot back with a knowing grin. “Next!”
Mara was wrong, I wasn’t living in denial. If I was, then I could pretend all was right in the world, that I wasn’t on the brink of losing one of my closest friends, that I was on the cusp of something really great. Instead I was a resident of reality, where the truth and nothing but the truth reigned supreme.
And the truth was that Miles didn’t want and wasn’t ready for the responsibilities and obligations of a child. Everything about his life, from jetting around the country for weeks at a time to mid-week visits to The Mayflower, spelled that he was a man who liked his life the way it was. Sure, a month ago the same could be said about me, but a lot can happen in a month.
It wasn’t just that Miles didn’t have room in his life for a child, it was that I hadn’t heard from him since he left my office. Three days ago. Proof that he wasn’t ready for the big stuff. The hard stuff. He was a good time guy and there was nothing wrong with that, especially after he spent his twenties serving his country only to come home to lose his fiancé and his brother.
I’m doing the right thing. At least I thought I was. “Tell me I’m doing the right thing, Mara.”
She looked at me, and then at the mostly empty dining room since the last rush had depleted most of our product, and sighed. “I can’t do that.”
“Because I’m not doing the right thing?”
Mara shook her head and bent down, reaching for several empty shelves before disappearing into the kitchen. “Because I don’t think you’re doing the right thing, but that’s just my opinion.”
“Which is all I’m asking for, Mara.”
She set down the trays and turned her keen brown gaze to me. “You are not doing the right thing. He deserves to know the truth and you owe it to yourself to give him the benefit of the doubt. Just because a bunch of other guys have disappointed you, doesn’t mean Miles will.”
“I’m not worried that Miles will disappoint me. I’m worried he’ll resent me for taking away his fun and his freedom. He deserves more than that.”
“Or you could, I don’t know, let Miles decide what he deserves.” She shrugged but her sarcasm wasn’t lost on me. “Novel idea, I know, but sometimes adults like to make their own choices.”
“Mara,” I groaned. “You know what I’m saying.”
“I do and I even understand you, to a certain extent. I just think you’re being a coward. You’re terrified he’s going to reject you and your baby, so you’re taking the choice away from him.”
“I’m not,” I insisted but the longer her words echoed in my head, the less sure I was. “Am I?”
“You are, but the good news is I don’t think you’re a horrible person who’s doing it on purpose. You’re scarred and reacting to avoid getting hurt again.” At my surprised look she shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes. “Therapy works. Who knew?”
I’d had plenty of therapy, after my mom died and after Dad married Teresa, and none of those feelings had been resolved. But if Mara was right, then I was potentially denying Miles the opportunity to step up, simply because I was worried he wouldn’t want to. “I need to step out for a while.”
Mara laughed. “Sure thing, Boss. Where are you headed off to?” I glared at Mara and she only laughed. “Good luck, then.”
