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“This is new to me, Shannon. How in the hell am I supposed to know what to ask?”
I let out a loud, bitter laugh. “Oh and I’m an old hand? Newsflash, Miles, this is my first baby too and everything I learned, I got from books. You know, things people read to learn what they need to know, when they are actually interested like they say they are.” I didn’t want things to escalate, to get ugly but I hated this attitude that somehow women just knew exactly what to do and how to act when they became pregnant.
“I don’t know what to ask.” His words came out low, almost dejected and unsure.
“If you were interested, Miles, you would ask. You’d read a book or two about what I’m going through, but you haven’t because none of this is real to you. Not yet. But for me, every day I feel how real it is because my body is constantly changing, hormones are surging through my body and even my hair is more vibrant. It is all very real to me. Today.” I sighed, feeling too exhausted to even finish my dinner. “It’s not real to you yet and I won’t pressure you.”
“Because you don’t care if I ever get there, right?”
I shrugged. “Because you can change your mind and walk away at any moment, and if you do it will be your choice. Not because I’m forcing something on you.” If he turned away from our child, it would be because he wanted to.
“I’m sorry, Shannon. I feel like I’m letting you down.”
I waved off his apology. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Miles. You don’t owe me anything. Be here for the baby, if you want. But I’m not a factor.”
“But you are,” he insisted. “You said I was your best friend.”
“You were, but things change Miles and that’s okay too.”
He frowned and pushed his plate away. “I feel like you’re punishing me.”
“I’m not, I swear. I’m protecting myself, that’s all. I can’t afford to let you get close if you’re not ready for what that means. And I don’t think you’ll want to be my friend if you decide fatherhood isn’t for you, it’ll be impossible.”
“I hate that you feel like you need to protect yourself from me. I fucking hate that, Shannon.”
I laughed and shook my head. “On the upside, you held up your end of the bargain.” He frowned and I laughed even harder. “You promised that you wouldn’t fall in love with me.” Ironic, when you considered it, but I tried not to think about it too much. “Thanks for dinner, Miles, but I really do need to get some work done before the baby puts me to sleep.”
He wanted to argue, to stay longer and pretend this was before where we could watch television all night, laughing and drinking. But he nodded and stood. “If you’re sure.”
“I am. I’ll take care of the dishes in the morning,” I told him, suddenly needing him to leave. Now.
“Things will get better.” He believed those words and I wanted to, but I couldn’t. When his lips brushed softly against mine, I almost told him that they would get better. But the sad look in his eyes as he walked away, felt a lot like goodbye.
Miles
“The bakery is closed, Miles.” I stood on one side of the glass door, the closed sign flipped to face me, my hands shoved deep in my jean pockets, and Shannon stood on the other side, red hair stuck to her forehead and Bread Box shirt wrinkled and loose. “Come back in the morning, blueberry and blackberry muffins will be on the menu.”
I rolled his brown eyes heavenward and let out a fake frustrated sigh. “I’m here for you, Shannon. To give you a ride home.” The woman was determined to be as obtuse as possible these days. “You gonna let me in?”
“No,” she sighed. “But I will meet you out back in ten minutes.” She turned away, picking up a few stray trays before she stopped and turned back to me with a smile. “Thank you for thinking of me tonight, Miles.”
“Always.” Didn’t she know that by now? She didn’t, clearly, and my goal moving forward was to make sure she never doubted her importance in my life.
I jogged back to my car and waited for Shannon to come out the back door of the bakery and when she did, my heart ached for how exhausted she look. But still, she smiled. “Thanks for the ride. I was fully prepared to fight you on it, but I’m so tired that I welcome any time off my feet.” A long sigh escaped and she leaned back in the passenger seat, eyes closed and a small smile on her face.
“It’s a good thing I stopped by then, isn’t it?”
