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“In real life? Here in New York?” I ask, completely blindsided. That’s the very last thing I expected to hear.
“You didn’t know?” She looks at me sheepishly.
“I haven’t spoken to her in two years. Why do you think I’d know she was here?”
“She invited me to join the two of you for dinner. She said you bought her the fucking purse she was holding,” she says with such asperity, I lean back.
“And you believed her?” I ask, shocked that she would.
“Why wouldn’t I? Isn’t that what you guys used to do? Was she like your … sugar mama? Are you returning the favor?”
I feel like I’ve just been pushed out of a plane with no parachute. My head spins, and I gaze at her. “Why are you asking me that?”
She doesn’t respond, only nods at her phone. I look at what she has open and groan.
“Really? Hollywood Buzz?” I ask, but I should have known she would have a clue.
“Well, is what they’re saying true? Did you sleep with her for money?” she asks, and it’s my turn to stare blindly at the phone.
I don’t know how to answer that question. The “strictly speaking” answer is no. But, it’s also the less-than-honest answer. But I can’t tell her that without telling her everything. I can’t ever do that.
“No. She wasn’t my sugar mama. She lined up my work and took her cut. When I met Dean, I fired her.” I almost say, “that’s all.” But I can’t.
“Graham, I … when I saw her, smiling so smugly, it just took me back to a place I thought I’d never be.”
“You don’t trust me?” I ask, my stomach sinking as I realize that I can’t bury my head in the sand when it comes to Nanette anymore.
“No, no. I do. If you—”
“Apollo, I don’t want to force you to feel or want something …”
Her eyes widen, and she sits up straight. “What do you mean?” She looks worried. I hate this. I take her hands in mine and rub her soft palms with my thumb. I stare at her as I say words that taste like ash in my mouth.
“I mean, if you can’t get beyond our past and trust me to never ever go down that road again, then maybe we should …”
“Please look at me, Graham,” she pleads. I have to force myself to look at her and see the consequences of my choices. Her pain. Her mistrust. I did all of that. Am I asking for too much when I ask her to forget that, for whatever reason, I cast her aside?
“I hate feeling so insecure. You’ve always treated me like I walked on water. You look at me like I’m a sorceress who can command the oceans. You call me Sunshine.”
“You are. For me, you put the sun to shame, Apollo,” I tell her. I don’t understand how she can’t see that.
She grits her teeth in exasperation. “I’m just a girl!” she exclaims. “Who fell off a cliff and met this extraordinary human being and forced him to be my friend.”
“You didn’t. I looked at you, and I could see a future …” I tell her as I gaze into those universes that see everything.
She looks down sharply and then looks back up, her expression more determined than anything else.
“I don’t want to share you. I hate that everyone else wants you as much as I do,” she says. “You chose that life over the one we planned. There’s a part of me that’s afraid … I guess that maybe it’ll happen again.”
I grip her shoulders and stare down into her face. “Listen to me. I have never chosen anything over you. You are all I want. I will never stop showing you that. As long as I draw breath.” Disappointment makes my voice gruff. “But maybe, I’m pushing too hard. Taking too much for granted.”
Fuck. This is not what I expected tonight.
“This event tomorrow … if you don’t want to come, I’ll understand.”
She rears back like I slapped her. “What? You don’t want me to come?” She pulls her hands out of mine and stares at me.
“I do,” I explain. What a fucking mess I’m making. “But only if you want to. You’re still doing your thing with Lucas, right? I don’t know …” I hang my head and try to find the right words. “If you want time … I can give it to you.”
