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At the top of the steps is a door, and when we walk through it, I have to duck to keep from hitting my head on a low hanging beam.
“What is this place?” I ask and look around at the piles of boxes that clutter the room. My nose itches at the dust that I can see floating around in the beams of light the flashlight’s casting.
“Tante told me that women used to stand over there.” She points at the small window where her telescope is set up. “They would watch for their husbands coming home from war or work in the mines or wherever they’d gone. But a lot of times, the only person who would come was someone coming to tell them that their husband was dead. So, they called this place the widow’s watch.”
“That’s terrible,” I say, looking around again and imagining how awful that must have been.
“Well, lucky for us, the thing we’re looking for tonight is sure to be there.” Apollo lets go of my hand and goes to stand in front of the telescope.
“The sky is clear, and the moon won’t be out until close to midnight, so the sky is nice and dark. It’s perfect for stargazing.”
I’ve stopped asking Apollo how she knows these random facts. The answer’s always the same: “Oh, I read it in a book.”
Whenever she says that I feel sad because that’s all I want in the world—to learn.
She peers into the peephole. Her tiny fingers, with their chipped gold polish, turn the dials quickly like she’s an expert. She probably is.
“That’s it. Perfect,” she whispers excitedly as she pulls her eye away from the lens to smile at me over her shoulder.
“Come on.” She waves me over. “It’s your turn.” As soon as I take my first step, she turns off the flashlight and the room is plunged into darkness.
“I thought you were afraid of the dark. Why’d you turn it off?”
“The dark makes the view from the telescope much clearer. I don’t want you to miss anything. Besides, I know you’ll protect me from anything bad.” She smiles at me and then grabs my arm to drag me closer.
Normally, when she says stuff like that, I blush. But right now, my stomach is in knots as I stare at the telescope. What if looking turns out to be a mistake? I’ve been here for most of my life now. All I have are a few memories of my life before my mama brought us here to live with Jeremiah in Cain’s Weeping. Since we’ve been here, it’s felt like we fell into a hole that someone covered with dirt and everyone who knew us before has moved on and forgotten we existed.
Sometimes, being with Apollo makes me feel like one of the chickens that Jeremiah slaughters every Saturday morning. He ties a string tight around their necks for a few seconds before he cuts off their heads. He says it’s for mercy. But when their little eyes bulge, and their beaks move soundlessly, it doesn’t look that way.
I know that Apollo is being nice showing me all these things. But I resent that what she’s teaching me is likely all I’ll ever know of the world. And that makes my heart feel like it’s being strangled by jealousy and envy. In those moments, I think it would have been better to have never met her. To never know what I was missing.
“What’re you waiting for?” Apollo prods me in the ribs with her fingers, and I skirt away from her tickling. She turns on her flashlight and shines it in my face.
“Ow, you’re gonna blind me.” I complain and shove the light out of my eyes.
“Well, what’s wrong?” she asks, pointing the light at the ground. My gaze follows it as it dances along the floor.
“I dunno,” I mumble and drag the toe of my sneakers along the seam in the hardwood plank I’m standing on. “You’ll think I’m dumb,” I confess under my breath.
“Why would I think that?” She sounds totally confused.
“You’ve told me about where you live. All of the places you’ve been. I know you must think I’m dumb and dull,” I say, embarrassed but also knowing that she won’t laugh at me. She hasn’t laughed at a single other stupid thing I’ve said.
“You see all those stars up there?” She points out the window into the glittering night. “Not one of them is brighter than you!” she exclaims.
“Shut up!” I tell her. “You ain’t gotta pay me compliments to make me feel better.” I roll my eyes.
“I’m not. I mean it.” She comes and stands in front of me. “Listen, all those stars. They’re so far away. They don’t do anything but look pretty. You do that, too. But so much more. You’re smart. You’re nice, and you’re brave.”
“Come on, now … a lot of people are those things.” I look at the ground, embarrassed by her praise.
She takes my hand in her tiny one. “Graham?” She gets my attention, and I look her in the eye. She has that expression she wears when she’s about to talk like an adult.
“No, a lot of people aren’t like that. You’ve told me some about your town. I know you understand what I mean when I say that sometimes it feels like I’m completely surrounded by darkness, right?” she asks.
“Right,” is all I say. But I know exactly what she means.
“But, you’re still nice and brave and you risk getting in trouble to spend time reading because it makes you happy. That’s what stars do. They shine when it’s dark,” she says with a smile that makes my heart do a flip. I can tell she means it. No one has ever said anything like that to me.
