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My body responds, but the rest of me feels the same as it did before.
I don’t love Apollo any less. Even when Nanette straddles me and lowers herself onto me.
I just close my eyes and let my mind drift. I’m not here. I think about school, my mother, how if this works out, I can get her out of that neighborhood. How this is going to make it possible for me to continue trying to reach my dreams.
Nanette picks up my hand and covers her bare breast with it. She spills out of my hands.
I squeeze, just to see what it feels like.
It’s fine.
I close my eyes again.
If this is all there is to sex, then, really … it means nothing.
I’m not betraying Apollo. There’s no emotion in it. It could be anyone. In fact, I’ve never felt so emotionally detached from myself as I do right now. Hugging Apollo made me feel more stimulated than this does.
r /> Yet, even as I rationalize the action, I know fidelity is important. If Apollo and I were already a couple, I couldn’t do this.
I would just stay dropped out of school.
It’s more than just the fidelity.
I know what I’m doing is wrong. Sleeping with a lot of different women, getting paid for it? I couldn’t touch her. Taint her so until I’m done with this.
We can do everything we always used to do, and I’ll explain that we need to wait until Mama’s treatment is over before I can think about moving and becoming a couple. We’ll just carry on like before. Nothing has to change.
As long as she never knows.
Apollo’s face flashes in my head. Shit. The minute she sees me, she’ll know. Sometimes, I think she only asks me how I’m feeling to be polite.
She’s fucking intuitive. And an excellent judge of character.
I’ll just stop her from visiting. Just until Mama’s better. She’ll understand, and she’s starting college in the fall, too. She’ll be busy.
Much better than me. I feel the tickle of pressure in the base of my spine as my orgasm starts to build. Nanette’s cries grow louder, and she drops herself on top of me and shudders her release. A few small upward thrusts of my hips and I’m emptying my release into the condom.
It was just a transaction. Nothing exchanged but two physical responses.
When we’re done, Nanette and I sit down and talk terms. I ask for a clause that stipulates no kissing or oral. She adds it.
“You’re the prettiest of my new toys. I’m glad I had a sample. You can always come back for more if you’d like.” I smile, but I know I won’t.
I sign the contract, name Nanette as my agent, and go home to take a shower.
Then, I pick up my phone and send Apollo a text that seals my fate.
Rotten
Apollo
Dear Sunshine,
I bet that big mouth of yours fell wide open when you saw this letter. Better close it before you catch flies.
I left Texas six months ago. Mama told me you mailed the letter that told the Fergusons how to get us out. Thank you so much. She told me you came to the house that day. I don’t know what you saw, but I want you to know I’m much better. Thank you for the books and the letters. The book of poetry by Rumi is my favorite.
One of them says, “My soul is from elsewhere, I’m sure of that … and I intend to end up there.”
