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“Apollo. I’m sorry for the things I said. I’m sorry for not being everything you need right now. But don’t let that mean you won’t let me be anything you won’t need. Because I need you. I know I don’t have that right. I know it’s not fair. But I’ll never stop needing you. I can’t. You’re a part of me. My own little angel, sent into my life to make it better. Please call me. Let’s talk. I’m just asking for time.”
His tone was so calm. As if what he was saying was reasonable and not utterly strange and intentionally vague.
But, I’m not stupid. There’s very little that gets past me. He gave me enough clues to understand what he’s saying.
He wants more time with her.
My heart broke all over again. I didn’t get out of bed the next day. When Tante Isabel and my cousin Josh came to visit Maman, they found me in bed, too.
When she walked into my bedroom, her face a mask of concern, I burst into tears and sobbed my heart out.
I told her everything. She knew Graham, of course. But she had only seen him once since that first summer, and I had never told her how I felt about him.
After she listened to me cry, she told me I couldn’t let a silly boy ruin this experience for me. She made me shower, get dressed and put on makeup and took me to dinner. She told me to take this two years of my program as a complete detox from my life. My mother only ranted about men and how all they do is cheat on you and then leave you when they’re done using you. I couldn’t even talk to her. And I was sick of waiting for her to feel better. I was sick of putting my life on hold for other people. I wanted to live, to go and do the things that I’d dreamed about. My heart was broken, but I wasn’t dead. She and Josh spent a week cheering me up, and by the time they left, I knew I’d be okay.
Tante Isabel had been my rock, and she encouraged me to walk away from the money and promised to help me. I was scared at first, but she kept her word. She helped me every step of the way. She even moved Maman to Arizona. I felt so guilty about leaving her. But Isabel said it was overdue.
When I got on the plane to London, it was with a determination to treat it like a fresh start.
I never called Graham back. When I got to London, I turned my American phone off, got a local one and gave the number to Tante Isabel, Maman, and my cousin Josh. They were all I had left.
Now, I have Lucas. Or at least, I think I do.
And my only experience with relationships with men is the one I had with Graham. So, I don’t know how long it’s supposed to take to start to feel like I’m falling. I’m not expecting to feel what I did for Graham. I would just like to feel more.
As if he can sense me thinking about him, Lucas’s head comes up. When our eyes meet, it’s nice.
Nice is enough.
Year 3
Apollo
“I can’t believe we’re here.” Reena grabs my hand as our plane’s tires touch down.
“Me neither. I’m so nervous,” I confess and squeeze her hand back.
“I knoooooow. Apollo, can you believe it? We’re in New York. We have jobs and a flat waiting. And we’re
unchaperoned.” Her eyes are wide with excitement, and I laugh.
“You’re unchaperoned,” I correct her. “I’m just as I always was, except now when I’m with you, I won’t have to worry about Karim making sure that we’re home by your curfew,” I tease.
“You’ll miss him. Who’s going to stand in line in the rain at our favorite kabob stand?” We dissolve into giggles that are partly due to mirth and partially due to nerves.
I’m as nervous as I’ve ever been. My life looks so different than what I’d thought it would.
“Lucas is meeting us, right?” Reena asks when the seat belt sign goes off and the plane suddenly comes alive. We’re in the back so we don’t bother standing up yet because it’ll be a while before we’re able to get off.
“Yeah, he insisted. I wish he hadn’t,” I confess with a pained look on my face.
“You’re crazy. He’s cute and smart. And he’s crazy about you. I mean, if you don’t want him, hand him over. I’d know just what to do with him.” This is her standard retort. I don’t tell her that some days I wish I could hand him over.
Lucas and I have been dating seriously for the last year and a half now, and when I told him I was going back to the States, he took a position in the New York City office of his bank and was here before me. He’s nice, I just wish … I felt more. I hope that being in New York City, both of us working and living adult lives will make things feel more ... special.
We step out of the Jetway and into the bustling, bright, loud terminal at JFK. I pull out my US phone and turn it on. It starts to buzz with notifications almost immediately. I check the voice mails and hold my breath until it updates. There are two new messages from Graham, on August second of this year and last.
“Come on, I need to pee.” Reena nudges me, and I slip my phone back into my pocket and follow her across the terminal to the bathroom.
