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“I’m not looking at everyone else’s lives, Mama,” I say lamely.
“Don’t lie!” she snaps. “You’ve got money. This beautiful house. Everywhere you go, people know who you are. But those weren’t your dreams. Those were the things you saw others with and wanted for yourself. And you wanted your mother. But Graham, there are some things you can’t control. I am dying.”
“No, you don’t—”
“I want you to let me. I am not going through one more of those fucking soul crushing poisonous treatments just so you can have what you want.” I draw back away from her in shock.
She slaps her hand to her chest. “I am a lost cause. You are not. I know you love me. I know you wanted me to live a long life. I wanted that, too. But we can’t always have what we want.” Her voice is pleading, and the sadness in her eyes is breaking my heart.
“I have everything I want, Mama. Why do you think I don’t?” I ask, and I know it’s a lie.
“This, my son, is your rock bottom. Your world is about to be pulled out from under your feet. And the only way to save yourself is to learn how to fly. I am going to die. I have eighteen months left on this earth, and I need you to let me do it in peace. You can’t force me to live for you. I won’t let you live for me.”
“No…” It’s the only word I can find after listening to her speech. I just want her to stop talking.
“Yes!” She hisses insistently. “Your dreams were bigger than having things, Graham. You wanted to teach. You wanted to see the world. You wanted to be with Apollo.”
At the mention of Apollo’s name, bile rises in my throat, coating my words with resentment I never dared show. “Well, I couldn’t do those things. And now, my life is different.” I run a frustrated hand through my hair and stare up at the ceiling.
She squeezes my hand. “Look at me.”
I obey. Her eyes are stern, but her voice is gentle. “I know you must resent me.”
I can’t lie to her. But, I’m ashamed to admit it. I hang my head to avoid her eyes.
She strokes my fingers gently. I look at our hands and toy with the single pearl ring on her ring finger. It was the first piece of jewelry I ever bought her. The only one she actually wears.
“It’s okay to be honest about how you feel. You’re entitled to that. I’m actually glad to know. It means you know you’ve missed out on something and that deep down you still want it.”
Apollo’s face flashes in my mind. My heart seems to contract in my chest. It’s been nearly four years, and it doesn’t hurt any less.
“Son?” I look back at my mother and shake my head in disbelief. I can’t believe how my world has turned upside down in such a short amount of time.
“I can’t rewrite the past, but I’m praying like hell that I can help direct your future. The only person’s life you can live is your own,” she says softly. “The grass is green where it’s cared for. Live a life that feeds you inspiration. I know that agent has big plans for you. But remember the big plans you had for yourself. Because that’s what I intend to do,” she says, and for the first time, I heard a trace of something hopeful in her voice.
I eye her suspiciously. “What do you mean? What do you intend to do?”
Her face lights up, and she smiles broadly. “I want to see the world. I’ve spent the last four years going through treatments that meant I couldn’t travel. Now, I’m free to go. And, I want to take Becca with me.”
“What? You can’t—”
“I can. And besides you and Becca, I’m not telling anyone else about my diagnosis. I’ve waited this long to start living. I don’t want everyone treating me like I’m dying.”
I only nod. My eyes sting with tears and blur my vision. I remember my plans.
“I’m about to sign on for another two seasons of the show,” I tell her.
“What do you need another fifty million dollars for?” She looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Do you actually think it can buy you anything worth having?”
“It paid for this house.” I push back.
“Yes, I’m glad to know that my son won’t have to worry about having a roof over his head. But, my heart won’t really know peace if you’re not happy.”
“I’m not unhappy,” I say miserably. She scoffs.
“Really? You haven’t picked up a book in years. And your girlfriend is more like your sister.” Her voice is full of reproach.
My eyes fly up to meet hers. “You know?”
