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“I have cancer. I’m not blind!” she scoffs. “I don’t understand how dating works these days. It’s been almost thirty years since I did any of that. I knew something was going on. And I know how you feel about Apollo.” If she had punched me in the face, I wouldn’t have been more surprised.
“Apollo?”
I stammer. She’s another topic of conversation we’ve carefully avoided. Her head lolls to the side.
“Please stop. I don’t have time for anything but the truth,” she says wearily.
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just ... it’s been years. I miss her. It’s hard to talk about,” I admit. It feels good to say those words out loud.
“Why in the world have you let all this time pass without calling her?”
“She’s moved on. She’s happy. I did too much damage to fix it.”
“How do you know she’s happy?”
“I can tell. Her pictures. She’s always smiling.”
“You smile in your pictures, too. Are you happy? You and Amber have been everywhere smiling, holding hands, acting like you’re in love. Unless she lives under a rock, she’s probably thinking the same about you.”
“Maybe, but I doubt she cares.”
“Listen to me. And listen very closely,” she snaps but with more sadness than fatigue in her voice. “I know what it is to lose the love of your life. There is no replacing them. Not ever.” Her voice is wistful. “But Graham, Apollo isn’t dead. She’s just got a boyfriend.” She yawns, and I can see how much the last couple of days have worn on her. And here I am acting like it’s my life that’s ending.
“I’m sorry, Mama.”
“Hush. Enough sorries. I’ve already started planning the trip. I’m taking Becca with me. You’ve had me for twenty-seven years. She’s only had me eleven. We need some time together.”
I give her a scandalized look. “Time together for what?”
“To be happy,” she says simply. I sigh. She deserves at least that.
“Whatever you want, Mama. I’m going to give it to you,” I say, even though I wish she’d ask for something else.
“Of course, you are. You could never say no to the people you love. I want you to love yourself that much and start saying yes to what that beautiful heart is asking of you. Do that, and you’ll unlock the doors to a life that will exceed your wildest dreams. Use all of the gifts you’ve been given, baby.”
She presses a kiss to my forehead and hops off the bed. “Now, I’m going to go get my hair done. And then, I’m off to plan a trip.” Then, she strolls out of my room.
“Fuuuuuuuck,” I groan and fall back on my pillow.
She’s right. This is my rock bottom. I don’t know what the fuck to do. My television show is the most popular show on television for the second year running. I have a line of supplements with my name on them. Athletic gear, tennis shoes named after me. All I have to do is snap my fingers, and the world falls at my feet.
But my mother is dying. My life is a sham. When I look in the mirror, I see someone I never imagined I would become. Bored, shallow, contrived, and so disappointing. I’ve started to believe that maybe, this is who I really am.
I’ve thought of my massive wealth as payment for the sacrifices I made to save my mother. But now I can see that I made a Faustian Bargain. Yes, I wanted to save my mother. But, I also wanted to graduate with my friends. I was proud of being able to finally pay my full share of the chartered flights the guys and I took down to Cabo for the weekends. And, despite how I feel about Nanette, there was a part of me that liked how she looked at me. Liked that she wanted me, that so many people wanted me.
I didn’t enjoy the sex, but there was something gratifying about being paid repeatedly for it.
And, I wasn’t some fifty-dollar fuck on a corner. I was expensive.
What the fuck was I saying?
A wave of disgust rolls over me.
I didn’t do that for the fucking money. It certainly didn’t make me feel good. I did it because I thought it would be a small sacrifice to keep my mother alive and finish my degree. I thought, if Apollo never knew, then one day, I could pretend it hadn’t happened. I thought, if I don’t touch her now, then she’ll stay clean, and when I’m done, I can go be with her, and she’ll make me clean again.
But, there was no cleaning up the filth that felt embedded in my fucking cells. And Apollo—who missed nothing and lived for the minutest details—she saw the shit the minute she laid eyes on me. She’d walked away and never looked back.
I’d held the sun in my hands. She’d been mine. When I let her go, I lost a piece of myself.
