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And now, my mother was going to die anyway.
My heart seizes in my chest. Panic spikes as a wave of grief starts rising in the very pit of my soul. My world is collapsing in on itself, and any minute now, I’m going to drown it.
I think about the little girl who stuck her hand out of the water when she was drowning, and I’ve always thought I saved her life.
Right now, I know that it was universe saving mine. If I had to bear this on my own, I would die. But I’m not alone. No matter what’s passed between us, I know she’s there. I reach for my phone, open my Instagram app, find Apollo’s profile, and send her a message.
Year 5 Side B
Apollo
I glance at my phone. I’d promised Lucas I would put it away while we ate. But he just went to the bathroom, and I see the flash of my screen and reach for it. I’m waiting to hear from an artist in Bahrain who I’m trying to convince to do a show at our gallery.
I unlock the screen while I take a sip of the rich tomato soup Lucas made for us tonight. When I read it, my spoon clatters to the table and tomato soup splatters everywhere, but all I can do is stare.
It’s a message from Graham. With his phone number asking me to call him.
“For fuck’s sake, Lo. Is it really that difficult to not look at your phone, just for one meal?” Lucas snaps at me when he walks back into the dining room.
“I’ve got to go,” I say and stand up and whirl around. I’m looking for my wallet.
“Go where? We’re home,” Lucas says and walks over to me. “What’s going on? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He cups my elbow.
“No.” I pull out of his grasp. I don’t know what to do first.
“I’ve got to make a call,” I say to Lucas. I stare at Graham’s message. Something is very wrong. And it’s been two minutes since I read it.
“Lucas, excuse me. I’m going to the room. I need you to not come in until I’m done,” I tell him as I start down the long narrow corridor that leads to our bedroom. He strides after, catching me by the arm with enough force to halt my steps.
“What the fuck, Apollo? You promised we’d have dinner tonight. I’m sick of being number two on your list. You act like your work is the most important—”
I wince as his grip tightens, and I turn to glare up at him. “Get your fucking hands off me, Lucas.” He drops them and steps back. “I’m sorry,” he says.
“No, I’m sorry. I know this isn’t fair, but you can’t touch me like that. I’ll be back.”
I step into our room and lock the door behind me. And then I select the number and choose “call.”
It only rings twice before he picks up.
“It’s me,” I say before he can even say hello.
He answers me with a sob. I listen, with my heart in my throat while Graham weeps and speaks incoherently into the phone. The only thing I can make out is my name and the word Mama. Fear grips my heart. Oh my God. What’s happened?
“Graham,” I said in a voice that I hope was firm enough to make him stop and answer me. “Where are you?”
“Please … Find a way, we have to,” he says in between his sobs.
I look around my room frantically. What was I doing here? When the other half of my heart needs me? Why had I left him? I couldn’t even remember right now.
“Graham, is it your Mama?” I ask.
“She’s dying, Apollo. And I can’t do anything to save her,” he said, and then he just cried. I lay on my bed and listened, and I cried, too.
I don’t know how long we stayed that way. I listened as his crying subsided, and all I could hear were sniffles, and then he was quiet, but I could hear him breathing.
“Star?
” I say quietly.
