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She rolls her eyes as she speaks and her words cause a flutter of what feels, suspiciously, like hope. I smother that feeling. Even hope isn’t audacious enough to attempt to find purchase in this total quagmire.
“Well, it doesn’t matter. I can’t bear to look at him. I'm so hurt.” I shake my head and look at my hands.
“Hurt because he thought you betrayed him? Hurt because he still loves you? Why are you hurt?” she asks softly.
I'm incredulous. “I’m hurt because he tried to manipulate me! I’m hurt because he could even think I would willingly abandon him. It took me years to get over that conversation with his mother. I married Kevin because I knew the door to a life with Dean was closed—”
“That was your first mistake,” she interrupts, with the wry remark. “But, I hope you’ve learned from it because life is too short to allow your pride to win,” she says sadly.
“My pride? This has nothing to do with my pride and everything to do with his deceit.”
“Milly, I'm not going to try to talk you into anything. But trust me, love like this, you only get it once in your life. I'm praying you won’t squander this miracle of a second chance you’ve been given.”
Her eyes are soft yet full of grave warning. I'm taken aback by this. I haven’t thought about Dean’s re-appearance in my life as a second chance at anything. At least not anything good.
She continues probing. “But let me ask you this; before you found out Dean had set you up to be hired for this job, did you once feel like you couldn’t do it? Did you ever think it was beyond you?”
I shake my head. “No, I didn’t.” And it’s true. I knew it was a golden opportunity, but I also felt completely prepared to meet the challenge.
“Then why are you walking away from it? You probably never even have to see Dean. You should call that lady and tell her you’ve changed your mind and pray it’s not too late,” she urges, her grip on my hands tightening.
“I don’t know . . . And I woke up feeling a little under the weather. I took some cold medicine, but I’m really not feeling up to anything right now. Besides, she never even responded. Maybe she was relieved to get rid of an amateur and hire a real event planner.”
“What do you mean under the weather? Do you need to me stay home?” Her hand comes up to touch my forehead. She snatches it back in alarm.
“You’re burning up. What in the world?” She looks alarmed as she pulls me up to stand. “I’m going to call Rabea and tell her we need to reschedule. Let me get you to bed.”
I sit back down on her bed and shake my head. “No. Go. I don’t feel bad at all. Something has been going around Anthony’s school, so I might have picked it up. But you don’t need to cancel and stay home. I’ll be fine.”
She had been planning this trip for so long and looking forward it. I couldn’t ask her to change her plans now. And I don’t want to either.
She caresses my forehead and her face creases in concern, but she acquiesces. “Okay, but if you get worse, call me and I’ll come back.”
“It won’t get worse. I’ll be fine. You go have fun. You deserve it.”
10
* * *
I had some things I needed to take care of in New York. Major things that required my full attention and were welcome distractions from the constant gnawing ache in my chest.
I have never been afraid of a challenge. In fact, the higher the degree of difficulty, the more motivated I am to conquer it. But, I’ve spent more than a week preparing myself to face Milly. I’d spent months anticipating our reunion. It was nothing like I’d imagined. I needed to regroup. I needed to figure out what to say. And I needed to get it right this time.
I fucked things up with her. Royally. I haven’t been able to get her last words to me out of my head. I knew when she walked away from me I needed to make things right.
Milly is the one. She always has been. I have always known it and finding out she was married and had a child had made me crazy.
Literally.
I devised a plan which, thank God, made sense business wise, but that I can now admit was motivated by my need to see her again. And it was a stupid plan that didn’t allow for any differentials. I assumed Milly would be happily married. I assumed she had gotten over me soon after she moved. I assumed too much and now, instead of watching Milly squirm, I’m the worm at the end of my own hook.
I know this mess is one I created. I need to fix it, and I need to start by apologizing to Milly. She may slam the door in my face, but I’ve already decided I'm going to do whatever it takes to win her back.
I’m not a caveman. I'm not going to drag her away kicking and screaming, but I’ll play the long game. Because I know this. Milly loves me. She may have gotten married, but I know I'm the love of her life.
Watching my parents’ train wreck of a marriage taught me an indelible lesson about love. If it’s not mutual, it’s not real.
You can’t be in love with someone who isn't in love with you. It’s just not possible. Love needs reciprocation to exist.
