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Something in my chest constricts to think of her in pain because of me.
“I also wanted some certainty. Now I look back and I see the disservice I did both Kevin and myself. I shouldn’t have married him just to create certainty, but at the time it seemed like the most important thing in the world.”
She sighs and leans back.
“But, I can’t ever say I regret it. Never. Because of Anthony.” She runs her hand over her mouth and down her neck, and looks away from me.
“I wanted all of those things with you, but I don’t begrudge you or Ant Man—it was wrong of me to even imply I did. He's incredible, and it’s clear how much he loves you. And if you and your husband didn’t have a lot of love between you, I'm happy to know you had him.”
She smiles at me, so sweetly and so beautifully I know she's thinking of her son.
“Tell me what happened. Why did your marriage end?”
She tips her head back and stares at the ceiling. She's gathering her thoughts, and I give her a minute. Instead, I study the long column of her throat, and I see the thin gold chain that disappears under her sweat shirt and I remember that pendant she wore every single day.
“He cheated on me. All the time. For years. I didn’t know it for sure until right before he left, but I always suspected.”
She leans her head on the back of the couch and closes her eyes.
“I started paying attention when we got back from visiting Addie. She and my mother had an epic argument, and I was collateral damage. She called me out, told me that I was living my life for my husband, that I had given up my dreams to marry him, and she was right. She didn’t even know the half of it.
“So I came back from London and started paying attention. We were two people living in the same house because we share a child. He was hardly ever here. Anthony barely saw him, and he just didn’t seem invested in our family. So, right after Christmas, when he chose to spend New Year’s Eve with his buddies, I confronted him. And that was it. He left, and I let him go.
“I made a list and decided it was time to start living my life for myself. And one of the things on my list was to fall in love again.”
She smiles sadly at me.
“Well, anyway, that’s it. He gets Anthony every other weekend and I never see him.”
“I wondered where he was this week. How can he not call his kid every day?” I ask angry on Anthony’s behalf.
“Yeah, well it’s his loss. And I think we are all better off.” She ends the sentence with a huge yawn.
I know I should get her back to bed. So, I stand up and grab her hand, I start to pull her up to her feet.
She stops me.
“Are we okay? I know we’ve got years of catching up to do. But is the air clear?” She looks worried, and I want to ease her mind.
“Yes. The air is clear. I’m just glad you haven’t kicked me out.”
She takes a deep breath, and moves to stand so we are face-to-face. And then she says the words I’ve been longing to hear again since I was eighteen years old.
“I love you, too, Dean. I’ve never really loved another. Saying this makes me feel ashamed because I did get married. I did plan on spending my life with Kevin.” Her eyes dart away and then come back and she smiles sadly.
“That doesn’t mean we can just pick up where we left off. I don’t know you anymore, and you don’ know me. We’ve changed. You were engaged. I’ve been married, I have a son. I'm just starting to rebuild my life. I have so many questions to answer on my own. I’m actually enjoying the process of finding myself. I don’t want to let anything interfere with this.”
She's earnest and clear-eyed as she talks, and I can tell this is her line in the sand.
She grabs my hands as she speaks, her long fingers intertwining with mine. She steps forward and without missing a beat, steps into my chest and wraps her arms around my waist. My arms go around her and we stand there.
I inhale her, trying to get my fill because I know what this is . . . and what it’s not. She's being my friend, and I need to remember this is where she needs me to be right now. But as I feel her breasts pressed against my chest, her pelvis cradling my hips, I renew my resolve to do whatever it takes to win her back.
She's mine. I'm hers. There is no one else for me.
We turn simultaneously, and I walk her to her bedroom door. We hold hands, but don’t speak as we make our way up the stairs. I press a kiss to the side of her jaw and feel her inhale. I can’t help myself as my tongue comes out to taste the skin my lips have just caressed. She moans and leans into me again. I’m hard and don’t try to hide it.
She tips her head back and it hits the door. Her hands come up and grab the sides of my waist and I can feel her fingers flexing, and I know she's trying to decide what to do.
