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I don't say anything, but let what he said roll around in my head. I would if I knew how. She’s clearly as drawn to me as I am to her. She was obviously miserable tonight. But she’s put obstacles in our path at every turn. She’s lied, pretended, evaded. I should want nothing to do with her. But I’ve seen beneath that veneer. I know the woman she was in Ghana, after that night on the beach, is who she really is. For some reason she doesn’t see herself that way anymore. I want to know why.
Dammit!
I feel like I was losing my fucking mind. I’ve always been so focused on my business, my legacy, my role in the family – there hadn’t been room for anything else. But now, Lilly has come and pushed all that aside and she is all I can think of.
If I wasn’t a rational person, I would honestly think she was a witch who had put a curse on me. I know it isn’t possible, but I swear to God, that’s exactly what it feels like. And now she’s here. We have the motherfucking miracle of second chances.
This is fate showing off. Telling me, “Don’t believe in me, huh? Well, let me show you what I can do.”
Dean bursts our laughing. “Damn, you’re talking fate?” I didn’t even realize I’d been speaking out loud.
“I don’t think there’s anything funny about this situation,” I say indignantly. His laugh deepens and I just stare at him.
“I’m asking for help. You and Milly are so in sync you practically breathe in time to each other. Has it always been that way?”
Dean, laughs at me. He also gives me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.
"Man, Milly was married. In the middle of a divorce, but still married. It wouldn’t have mattered if I'd found her happily married, I would have found a way to get her to leave him.”
I give a sideways, incredulous look. "Easy to say when you didn't have to."
"It's not easy to say. I respect the institution of marriage. But I would have done anything to win her back. We’d never stopped loving each other." He says with a voice full of nostalgia.
"Well, I didn't get to that point with her and now it's probably too late." I say, loathing my self pity.
"Maybe. But, you don’t have the kinds of hurdles I did. You’ve got to get over your pride and be honest with her. Lay your shit bare. There’s not room for that in relationships. Pretending means there’s a lack of trust. Your partner should be your home. The place you feel good in your skin. If it’s not, then move on. But if it is, if she makes you think about your life differently, makes you want more, makes you feel like more…then go after it. "
I groan and he pats my shoulder again. “If you even think she might be the one, it'll be worth it, even if it doesn't work out."
I shove his hand off in disgust. I shake my head as continue walking. I shoot him a sideways glance. "That's terrible advice. How the fuck are you so successful?”
He laughs, loud and long, throwing his head back as he stopped to grab his knees. He’s laughing is ass off at me.
“What the fuck’s so funny?” I yell at him and he looks up at me.
"You are. You’re an idiot. No wonder you’re in this mess.” He straightens at the end of that string of insults and starts walking again. “Business and love aren't the same.” He shakes his head, as if he’s having a great memory. “For love," he pauses dramatically, searching the sky as if it holds the words he needs "For the love of that woman who's sleeping in my bed right now? Who I'm going to ask to marry tomorrow night? I'd risk everything. There isn't anything I wouldn't do." I am thunderstruck by envy.
I stuff my hands in my pockets, shielding them from the cold. It was a stupid idea to walk home in this cold.
I blow out puffs of air as I walk. The cold air sobering me, the quiet making it really easy to think. And I tell Dean, something I probably wouldn’t have if I’d not been half out of my mind with frustration.
"I've never been able to say that about anyone. But there’s something between us. This woman…even now when things are messed up, she’s who I want to talk to. Who I want to be with this. I've never felt this way before. I gesture to the acres of land that stretch around us, " All of this is mine. But no one ever asked me if I wanted it. I've spent my whole life knowing what my duty is. And that's fine. I love this land, I love my family. I was born first, and it's a privilege. But fuck, to just have one thing that I choose for myself. For no other reason than it's what I want, that feels like the stuff of folk lore. I want that so badly. I want her."
Who am I? I don’t recognize the man who’d say these things.
Dean doesn't say anything, and when I look at him, I find him walking with his head thrown back, as if the stars are guiding his steps. Then, he regards me thoughtfully. A big smile on his face.
"You should go after her, man. That's not something that you should walk away from. Especially if you've lived more than thirty years and haven't ever felt like this. If she feels the same way man, grab hold and don't let go. But, first you got to get it together. That woman you’re here with is acting like she expects you to propose any minute. Get rid of her.”
And then he turns his head back up the sky. We walk the rest of the way in silence.
This man, known for his ruthlessness on behalf of his clients is talking like he's a member of the Shakespeare in Love cast.
I roll my eyes, pull my coat tighter and replay our conversation. Something more than her father's disappearance has kept her from home. She's hiding something. Running from something, but I can see it in her eyes. She wants to let it go. She wants to live her life. She just has to know it's possible. She needs me to show her. And after the wedding, I will.
27
Lilly
