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"May I have this dance?" I look at the hand my father's holding out to me and marvel that he's even here at all. I put my hand in his and let him pull me out of my seat. I glance at Aiden, who’s already passed out in a drunken stupor. I forgot what a lightweight he is. He’s going to be sorry when he has to get up at five in the morning to make his train back to Cardiff.
We walk out onto the crowded dance floor hand in hand. The entire ballroom is awash in lights tinged with blush, gold, and white. A gigantic monogram of an intertwined C and an L is projected onto the dance floor. Huge bouquets bursting with hyacinth, pink freesia and rhododendron are on every table and hung from crystal baskets that swing from the ceiling of the enormous tent that’s been set up in the south garden of the estate. The entire wedding looked like something from a fairytale. Cara and Louis looked the part of the fairy tale princess and her dashing prince.
Stevie Wonder's, Isn't She Lovely, just started playing and we sway in silence for a few minutes. I savor my father's embrace. I never thought I'd know it again. He rests his head on top of mine and I tighten my arm around his waist.
I look across the room at the man who's been staring at me all night and sigh heavily. His glass, a small tumbler full of amber liquid dangles loosely from his fingers. He brings it to his full mouth and takes a sip, never taking his eyes off of me. His glare is full of fire and ice and I feel the prickle of it all over me. He doesn't seem to care who sees. Camille is sitting next to him, talking and gesturing wildly. She’s completely oblivious to his inattention. Or maybe she doesn't care as long he's sitting next to her.
"I'm sorry Lilly," My father whispers into my hair. His hand that's been resting in the small of my back come up to my shoulder.
"So, sorry I wasn't there for you,” he says. Tears blur my vision and my chest constricts at his words. I'm unable to respond. My voice is trapped in the sphere of emotion that's bloomed inside of me.
"This used to be our song, Lil," he continues, his voice soft and lilting. "You and I danced to this from the day you were born until you were old enough to danc
e on my feet. Then you only wanted to dance with me to practice for your first prom.” He laughs softly in my ear. “When we danced was the only time you’d let me hold you. Otherwise, you wanted to do everything yourself. So fiercely independent, Lilly. That pendant we gave you, that looked like a butterfly in flight, it's how we thought of you. Free, vibrant and so singularly unique." He chuckles, but I can't join him. My heart is being battered by the memories of my life before he left us. When I was safe and happy and felt like myself.
"You, my darling child, are the light of my life. The pulse of this family, and without you, we're a shell of our former selves. Tell me what happened while I was gone, Lilly. What stole you away from us?" he whispers, his voice coaxing.
"Daddy, please," is all I can manage.
"God, how I hate myself for failing you. For being gone and allowing someone to steal away your worry-free and loving heart. I'm so sorry. But I'm here now, my darling, and I can see that something is very wrong." He’s whispering but his anguish is loud and clear.
"It's nothing. I'm just really tired, Daddy," I tell a small truth.
"You're angry Lilly. So angry you burn with it. It radiates from you. Let it go," he murmurs softly.
I nod and nestle my head into his shoulder.
"Yes, Daddy. I'm so angry. I hate him," I say, the words sliding smoothly from my throat like only the truth can.
"I know, baby," he says soothingly.
"People who say hate and love are opposite sides of the same coin have never truly hated anyone. Because I never loved him. But I hate him so much," I say to him as if in a trance. The words I've only let live in my head come spilling out.
"Hate is an insatiable beast. It feeds on anything it can, Lilly. You've got to expel it before it starts to feed on you. Whatever it is, you've got to get it out and then move on. The first step is admitting that nothing happens that you don't let happen to you. That whatever happened, you have some responsibility in it."
I stop moving so abruptly that he steps on my toe.
"What are you saying? How can you say that?" I pull back and look into his eyes. His gaze is identical to mine even down to the mirrored pain I see looking back at me.
'Forgive, Lilly," he says. My breath seizes in my lungs. If he had put his knee into my gut I couldn't have felt more wounded.
His eyes widen in alarm at what he must see on my face.
"How can you say that?" I step away from him, but in the crush of bodies, I can't create any real distance.
"Lilly, listen to me." He steps toward me, putting his arms around me, but I pull myself free.
"No, you don't know," I say to him. The loud music muffles my voice, the dancers around us celebrate oblivious to the mortal wound my father has just inflicted.
"Then tell me so you start letting some of it go," he says, his eyes imploring me.
"I can't, Daddy," I say, shaking my head. My eyes tear across the tent and see that no one is paying attention to us. My mother's talking to my sister's nephew, Henry. Addie is dancing with Simon's brother laughing hysterically at something he's saying. Milly and Dean are lost in their world, eyes closed as they sway in each other's arms.
Like they always do, my family is oblivious to the fact that I'm dying, that my heart is breaking. Only my father sees it and before he even knows what's wrong, he tells me to forgive.
I push my way through the crowd, knowing that my father won't come after me. No one will. And I hate them for it.
The snow swirls around me in a tempest. It whips at me without mercy. I curse my idiocy. Why did even come to this wedding? Cara would have been happy with a note and a present. She didn't need me here. I did it to appease my family and as usual, they looked right through me, only seeing what they wanted to see. What they see is an image I've constructed. Lies have my instrument, my entire life, the music I created with it. Nothing they saw was ever true.
