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Without any warning my stomach heaves. I gag and it heaves again, empty save for the champagne I sipped to toast Cara and Louis tonight. But it's like my body has reached its limit of hurt, disappointment, and is determined to get rid of it. I dry heave until my entire abdomen aches. Nothing comes up, but before I even realize it, my heaves have turned to sobs and instead of bile, my body releases tears. I can't stop them, my wretched gut too weak to do anything but surrender.
I've been fighting this deluge for years, not letting myself think about the pain unless I'm alone and safe. I can't stand the tidal wave of pain that washes over me. A crater of hurt remains whenever I let my mind go back to that night. I fall to my knees under the weight of it.
Shivers wrack me. I'm too cold to continue walking. Too gutted to go back, I look around me, knowing I need to escape the snow and see the structure Freya called The Temple of the Four Winds to my left. I slowly make my way toward the shelter it promises. My chin is tucked into the wind to protect my face from the freezing wind and the stinging snow it carries. I wrap my arms around myself, grateful for the light cashmere sweater I'd thrown over my shoulders to hide the exposed skin my dress reveals.
I've just reached the stairs when I hear someone call my name and I stop in my tracks.
It’s Harry. I knew he would come. His voice grows closer and I stop to let him catch up to me.
"Lilly, what are you doing? You'll freeze to death," he says just as a warm coat, five sizes too big drapes across my shoulders. The relief it gives is immediate and its only then that I realize just how cold I am. Pins and needles erupt all over me.
"Come on, let's go to the Four Winds. The heat’s on all night." He wraps an arm around and steers me toward shelter.
We walk up the stairs of the stone structure that looks more like a house than a temple. Only the two Borghese gladiators that stand sentinel at the top of the stairs harken back to the days before it had doors, double glazed windows, and indoor heating and cooling. I look up at them as we pass and wonder what their eyes have seen and what stories they’d tell if they could. I wonder what kind of story they'll bear witness to tonight.
Harry pushes open one of the white paned windowed doors and we step inside the dark room. It smells just as it looks—old and grand. Harry uncurls himself from me and walks to the other side of the room. With the flip of a switch, the temple is bathed in light. The floor is an intricate diamond pattern, inlayed with opal and shell colored tiles. The walls are wainscoted in marble shot through with a smoky gray. The walls are white stucco painted with gold filigree in the same pattern as the dinner plates from tonight’s reception.
"I can't believe this is real, it's so beautiful,” I whisper, completely enthralled.
"My sentiments exactly," Harry murmurs softly, his voice gentle and full of adoration.
I memorize that look, let it imprint itself on my heart because I know that once he knows the truth, I'll never see it again.
"Tell me, Lilly. I'm listening," he says, leaning back, away from me and letting his shoulders rest on the wall. But then he reaches out to grasp my hand, linking our fingers while his thumb sweeps gently on the soft flesh right under my thumb.
He's giving me space and yet letting me know that he isn't going anywhere.
I knew that it would come to this. That he would ask me for everything and that I would eventually give it to him. I’m almost weak with relief. I’m tired of running from him. I just hope I can bear to see the admiration his expression holds right now, disappear.
When he looks at me, I see the old Lilly reflected in his eyes. The version of myself that danced no matter what music was playing, laughed no matter how lame the joke, and who knew that she was amazing. She's reaching out to me, begging me to set her free, to let her live.
I try to pull my hand free of his grasp, but feel a rush of relief when he doesn't let me. I want to be embraced, but I also want my self-loathing to be validated.
"Lilly. I won't judge, I won't leave. I can’t leave,” he says earnestly.
I gaze at him, and I think he means it. I belie
ve him.
"You don't have to hide. Tell me. Please, who hurt you?” He's begging. His words, his desperation to know me break through the sludge clogging my voice, like the sun's rays would a slimy swamp.
But, do I dare? Can I risk it? He has no clue what he’s asking. I’m not just afraid of needing someone. I’m afraid of the people I love seeing me differently after I tell them. I know it’s crazy, but it’s true. Who wants to put that image of themselves in their parent’s minds? It would destroy them, break their hearts. And I’m too afraid to say those words aloud. But I can trust him. He’s seen me at my worst and he still thinks the good outweighs the bad. He’s been present for some of the most transformative moments of my life. That night on the beach being just one of many.
So, I look into his eyes. The gentle acceptance I see in them gives me courage. I'm tired of carrying the facade by myself and here's someone who actually wants to know my truth. A person I actually want to share it with. I know he won't tell me to forgive him. I know he won’t ask me why I didn’t tell anyone sooner. Why I didn’t have any bruises from the attack.
Meeting Harry wasn't accidental. The feelings between us are more than just a connection. The rigor of it scares. But its refusal to let distance, difficulty, and denial stop it also give me courage.
I close my eyes and I’m back at the cliff I’ve created in my mind. The one whose rocky ledge I've been standing at since I met Harry. I know that if I let myself fall, I’ll either crash and burn. Alone.
Or, I could have everything I’ve ever wanted but never dared to hope for.
So, I let my foot dangle over the edge and then, I take a step. I speak the words I’ve only allowed to pass my lips once before. I let the entire foundation of my world slip away.
28
Harry
"Five years ago, I was raped. In my bedroom. By a man who had been my teacher and mentor. My mother, my sisters, my brother in law, and my neighbor were downstairs, I could hear them laughing, talking--"
