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Her hand trembles as she runs it through her hair, tucking it behind her ear and b
alling it into a fist at her throat. "I was afraid. I thought you didn't want me to know. I..."
"You didn't want to know. Your own life was hard enough, and you didn't want to know." I say, clasping my hands together.
I watch resignation settle on her like a cloak.
"Will you tell me now? What happened? Please. I want to know. I want to be here for you Lilly. I'm sorry that you didn't know that. I'm sorry that I took you for granted. I'm sorry that I leaned on you so much, but never once offered myself for you to lean on. I'm here for you and I want to know."
And so, I tell her. Not everything, because there are some things that only belong to me. That I have a right to guard in my heart. But, I tell her as much as I told Harry. And my baby sister, whose diapers I changed and who's first steps I remember vividly holds me in her arms, strokes my head and promises to keep my confidences.
That night, when Harry comes to my room and crawls in bed with me, he wraps his strong arms around and me pulls me flush against him. He starts stroking my back, long, languid touches that warm me to the core.
I rest my head on his chest and can feel the strong, steady beat of his heart against my ear. I inhale and let the smell of his soap, the fabric softener on his shirt fill my lungs. I burrow into him, seeking comfort and intimacy. They are two things I've willfully denied myself for so long and now, I don't know how I survived without them.
We've only had a total of one month together and yet, I know that this man is best thing to ever happen to me. He looked at me -- saw all of me and wanted more. I know how lucky I am to have found him.
"Hey. How was your day?" He asks me after a few minutes. His rich baritone still resonant despite his whisper.
"Fine. I've managed to lose my phone. And… I told Addie." I murmur into his t-shirt like both pieces of news have equal weight. His hands halt their caress for just a minute and despite the bittersweet feelings the memory of that conversation conjures, I smile to myself when I feel his surprise.
"How did that go?" He resumes his ministrations, his hands drift up to neck and he slides his fingers into my hair, his hands cradling my head.
"It was so great,” I sigh happily. “I didn’t realize how much I've pushed them away. I also know that I've been angrier at them than I've let myself admit. We've let each other down, my family and I..." I trail off, not sure what else to say.
"Families do that. Loving someone doesn't stop us from being human and fucking up. Especially when we're afraid."
"How come you're so wise?" I ask and then I lift my head so that I can kiss the spot my ear has been resting it.
"I'm not wise baby. I've just been there. My parents...they love us. They're wonderful people, but they weren't around a lot. Freya, Louis and I, we've had the best of everything. But we were also alone a lot. And since I've been old enough to remember I've known that a lot of things in my life were predetermined. I didn't have the choices my siblings did. I still don't. I'm the oldest son of my parents. I mean, I could say fuck it and run off and live my life. Louis would inherit the Earldom, my titles."
I still. It's the first time I've heard him say anything like that. "I didn't realize you felt like that."
"I do." He says wistfully, "But, I have a responsibility to something greater than myself. So, I'm doing what I can to honor it. To make sure the people who rely on the estate for their own livelihoods feel heard. To diversify, modernize, expand and grow. I can't change that my family owns all of this land. But I don't take any of it for granted and I don't resent it. At least not anymore. When Zara died I realized how much I'd resented all of it. That resentment trapped me, I did my duty and nothing more. And because my parents had no clue who I am, at least not really, they didn't know that it was killing me inside."
I kiss his chin, "Oh, Harry. I'm sorry."
"I'm not. What happened to her was a tragedy and how I wish I'd had the courage to tell the truth then. I'm not saying she wouldn't have died, but at least it would have allowed her to live honestly."
He exhales, a weary, weighted sound.
"Harry, you're making so many assumptions. We're all only responsible for ourselves. She could have said, ”I wouldn’t want to marry a man I don't love.” She made choices, too. And Harry, just because she was cheating on you doesn't mean she didn't love you."
He laugh is full of self-deprecation. "No, trust me. She couldn't have loved me. She didn't even know me. I didn't know her. Yes, she wanted to be a Countess. But a lot of the women in our world do. It doesn't mean what it used to. But it still ensures social standing, if the estate is well managed - and ours is- it can also mean wealth. She did what was expected of her and would have married me happily. And she would continue fucking William. And I wouldn't have known. Because I didn't want to know. I just wanted do what was expected of me. I didn't think I could have more."
"So, when she died you realized?" I ask, hesitantly, not wanting to put words in his mouth.
He hums and squeezes me planting a kiss on the top of my head.
"Well...not because she died, but because when she did, I had no choice but to see the truth of my life. I couldn't pretend anymore. And really, that's all we do when we lie or hide. We're pretending...because the truth is inside of you, living and feasting on your fear, anxieties, your imagination. And no matter how hard you try, it will force its way out. But that's the only way to regain your power over it. I'm not saying it's easy. Lil...I didn't find the courage to tell my parents how I felt until I got back from Ghana."
"How'd you do it?" I ask him, feeling the increased intensity of his heart beat.
"Well, when I got back, I was so fucking angry. Livid. At you.” I wince at the honesty in his voice.
“But you'd given me a taste of something I knew I wanted more of. My mother was plotting to set me up again. Someone who she'd said reminded her of Zara. I exploded. She knew what Zara had done, and I couldn't understand why she would want that for me again."
His burst of laughter is completely unexpected and I stiffen in confusion.
