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33
Lilly
I close my eyes, and try to steady my heart’s rapid beating. He tenses when I say it and I know I have to just get it all out now.
“I hacked into the adoption agencies records a months ago. I found the information of the adoptive family.” I cringe in preparation for the blow that I know is coming. But I press forward. “I found the mother on FindMe and created a fake account when I found out she’s a really avid reader and joined a few book groups she’s in on the site.
We friended each other. We’re just friendly. We chat about books I’m reading a couple of the same books.” I look at him, my eyes beg him to say understand. “I got to see her Halloween costumes, her Christmas pictures, her birthday parties.” I explain, willing him to see. My heart can’t help but lighten at the mention of those things.
Harry’s arm around me loosens and I’m reminded where I am, and remember how terrible everything is.
“Lilly…oh my God.” He mutters against my head and I pull back.
“I know. I only wanted to, maybe, see pictures. But now, she’s given me so much, Harry. Every week I decide I’m going to stop. Close the account and just walk away. But I can’t.”
He blinks at me, shock all over his face, but he doesn’t speak. My heart plummets to my toes, but I also don’t say anything. We just stare at each other, my heart pounds in trepidation.
“Lilly.” Harry says finally, shaking his head, not looking at me.
“Where’s your family? You can’t possibly be done talking.” He says and it’s like he didn’t hear anything I said.
“Ummm…” I say slowly, confused by his change in subject. “We agreed to talk tomorrow. Everyone needed time to think. Including me and I was hoping you’d come so that I could tell you everything.” I say, putting emphasis on the last word, hoping he would react to what I’d just told him.
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t understand how to help you, Lil.” He says just as slowly, choosing each word carefully. I’m too afraid to respond
But Harry’s not done. And as he speaks, his voice is devoid of emotion, completely practical. “Give me a moment, I need to think.”
He sits down on the chair behind him and puts his head in his hands. I stare at him and minutes go by. He mutters to himself, pulls his hair and I just watch.
Finally, he looks up at me. His red rimmed and tired.
“You have to stop.” His voice is heavy, nearly clogged with emotion as he looks at me, his eyes sadder than I’ve ever seen. His jaw, is covered in days’ worth of beard and I can see how tired he is, it’s etched all over his face.
“At some point, it won’t be enough to just see videos and pictures. And unless she comes looking for you, you can’t have more. Not unless you’re willing to break more laws.” He says raising one of his heavy, long brows. I flinch because I know that breaking into the agency’s records was a criminal act.
“You have to stop.” He says, urgently, fretfully. “It kills me to say it, Lilly because I know that it’s going to hurt you terribly, to stop. But I’m saying it anyway because I can’t be dishonest with you, Lilly, even if the truth hurts. You’ve got to start trying to be honest too, Lilly.” I flinch at that.
“Harry I’ve been honest about everything. I didn’t tell you things because I wasn?
?t ready to, not because I planned on never telling you or because I was trying to deceive you.” I grab his hands when he doesn’t look at me. He glances down at our hands, but he won’t meet my eye and icy dread fills my heart.
“But, this, Lil. It isn’t okay. And until you do it, you’ll never be able to let any of this go.” He tightens his hold on me again, pulls me into him and nestles my face in his throat. I inhale the scent of Harry, savor the stubble under his jaw, chafes on my forehead. “We can’t start building a life together until you do.” He says firmly, and I feel the words as the vibrate in his throat.
I don’t move, I just shake my head. I can’t stop. I had prepared for a few things tonight. After everything was ruined.
I thought once he knew the truth, all of it, he’d be done with me. I didn’t imagine that he’d tell me there was a “we” to do anything with. So, it hadn’t occurred to me that I’d have to think about stopping. I’d been preparing myself to lose him and then hang on to the one thing that’s always going to be mine.
“No, I can’t.” I say, resolutely. He sets me away from him, and looks me in the eyes, his own clear and completely focused on me with an intensity that scares me.
“Lilly. I want to be with you. Do you want to be with me?” He asks and everything freezes. I know what he’s really saying. He’s saying that if I want to be with him, I have to let this go. I have to stop what I’m doing.
So, I answer the real question, with all of the honesty I can muster and even though I know it’s going to break everything inside of me, it’s the truth as I know it. “Not as badly as I want to know my daughter.” I say.
His rears back as if I’d slapped him. His eyes widen with surprises which rapidly turns to anger and, then some sort of understanding dawns. His posture — a loose hipped stance that had felt welcoming and safe immediately changes into something more challenging, like he’s preparing to fight. He plants his feet, crosses arms and narrows his eye at me.
“She is not your daughter.” He says, his voice heavy and sad. His eyes, though are absolutely clear with determination. The pain he’s inflicting feels like a dagger being plunged into my heart. I step back, away
“Shut up.” I say, putting my hands over my ears, my eyes wide as I watch him in horror.
