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“You are out of line!” Reggie spoke tersely. Then he yanked me out of my chair by the arm, the chair and dishes went flying as he jerked me around so we were face to face, the irate dominant sneering at me, “You miserable bitch!”
His powerful hand grasped my arm so tightly that I knew there’d be bruises by morning.
“Don’t be an ass!” This was not going according to plan and I should have backed off, but I wouldn’t let go. “Get your fucking hands off of me,” I seethed, more quietly.
Before I knew what was happening the palm of his free hand connected with my face in a stinging smack. It wasn’t all that hard, but the shock of it stopped me cold.
“This is what you chose, this is what you get!” he reminded me.
“Ha! Choice!” I mocked his indignant tone. “You call what we have a relationship of choice? You’re a master at domination as long as there is someone to submit to you. But I wonder if you could ever have a really adult relationship?”
The glacial look in his blue eyes was terrifying. And the way he seemed to abruptly modulate his temper had me seriously concerned. By the time he spoke again he was back in control.
“Yes, I see what this has come to,” he said evenly. “Go pack your bags and leave.”
I’d enjoyed returning cruel words with cruel words; I could see how they’d hit their mark. I was just getting started, but suddenly
ordered to leave. Ordered to leave!
His eyes flashed when I didn’t move fast enough. “Get out!” He gave the order again, his voice lowering dangerously.
There was nothing to quarrel with. My breathing was shallow, almost as if I was choking. I wanted to say something in return, but he’d left no room, no choice except for me to go. There was not a gracious or mocking or even angry way to say what would allow me to retain my self-esteem. Reggie played the one card in his hand that I hadn’t anticipated. He’d won. Damn him! He’d won.
Too embarrassed now to even glance at his table of guests, I raced out of the room and up the stairs, hastily throwing all my clothes into my suitcase, leaving those he’d given me hanging in the closet. It took me no longer than ten minutes to be changed into street clothes, packed and ready. I was anxious to leave, my heart racing, full of rage and regret. I loved myself for my act of defiance; it was the most glorious thing I’d ever done – and one of the cruelest. I hated myself for that. The results were unexpected. Yes, I had the reaction I wanted, and a magnificent one too, but the finale was all wrong.
I’d called a taxi from my cell phone and waited nervously for it to arrive. Feeling conspicuous and alien in the midst of the unwelcoming walls of his house, the sooner I left, the safer I’d be. But I’d been crushed and was leaving defeated and unfulfilled, as if everything that had happened here was for nothing.
While I sat in my room, not knowing what to feel, Heidi wandered in to challenge my solitude.
“You certainly gave this dinner party some excitement,” she chuckled, obviously delighted. “I’ve been dying for years to see Reggie bested.”
“Heidi, this was not what I intended.” I didn’t share her mirth.
“I know,” she said, the tone of her voice changed swiftly, so that her remark almost sounded like an apology.
“Well, I suppose I won’t be seeing you again.” It was trite, but all I could think of to say. I wished she’d just leave.
“Listen, go talk to him, he’s certain to have cooled off by now.”
“I don’t think that would be a very good idea.”
“Honey, take it from the master of begging, you’ve got nothing to lose, and look at what you could win.”
“And what have you won by begging?” I know my words were intended to cut. I wanted them to, perhaps I was just like her, destined to have denied myself what I wanted most. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you, too.”
“I’m a lot tougher than I appear, and despite what Ann may have told you, I’m not certain that I even want Reggie anymore. He’s kind of a habit that I can’t quite break.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re getting your life figured out, because I’m certainly messing up mine.”
“That could change.”
“Heidi, I made a horrible miscalculation. What could I ever say to him to alter what I’ve done?”
“Why don’t you go tell him just what you’ve told me. Let him decide what you can do to make it up to him. It’s certain that ordering you from his house will not repair his ego and self-esteem. The only way he could recoup from your scene is for you to stay.” She was actually making sense. “Although I warn you, you’d best be prepared for fireworks if you do, and you’d better plan on stepping aside and allowing Reggie to win this one.”
I was surprised by her savvy advice. I knew I’d be haunted if I left. Haunted by what might have been, for me, for my desires, for Reggie and me. I loved his anger. For one moment in his well-guarded life, he was out of control. The idea of it excited me even now. When he slapped my face there was more than humiliation, more than anger, a fire surged in me like nothing I’d felt before. I couldn’t let things end without at least giving it one more try. Perhaps this was my creation, too. I’d finally channeled his passion into me. And wasn’t that what I’d fantasized about so many times?
“Cancel the taxi for me, will you?” I asked, “at least for now.” I rose from the bed and moved to the door. Like walking to the gallows. I allowed my body to lead me where my mind was uncertain. No, I wouldn’t leave without giving it one last try.
