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“I’m guarding against the hurt,” he told me one night.
I’d just made a trip over his lap, one of the first since ‘hell week,’ my affectionate term for that first week of punishment.
I’d been late meeting him for dinner, and was feeling piqued with him for being annoyed by my tardiness. I snapped at him one too many times, just like in the old days, which were not exactly ancient history. Once we were back in my apartment, I was over his lap, no warning at all, with the hairbrush coming down on my bottom while I kicked and screamed and cried bloody murder.
Before he let me up, he’d managed to cover my entire bottom from the top of my cheeks down to the top of my thighs with a fast furious blast of smacks. If I’d thought the strap and cane and even the wooden paddle were bad; this old fashioned moment over his firm thighs had to be as nasty as any earlier punishment. It was completely humiliating being treated like a child, with the spanking intended to curb my bratty disposition.
It was a rude awakening, especially after I thought things had settled down between us. No, it wasn’t going to be like the old days, when I’d ride roughshod over our relationship, demanding things in my very sweet way and expecting Will to kowtow to my manipulations. Then again, maybe I was testing him too, just to see if he would live up to his vows.
Chapter Thirteen
I remember Reggie chuckling once, telling me that ‘some things you plan, other things just kind of happen without your knowing it.’ What became the turning point, though not the final chapter—if there will ever be a final chapter in my relationship with Will—was one of those things that ‘just happened,’ without forethought, without any design or plans. A magical fluke perhaps…and yet it seems the outcome was almost pre-ordained, as if I had some prankster of a guardian angel to manipulate me like a puppet in order for me to learn the best lesson of my life.
I was prickly for weeks with an unpredictable Will who’d leave me smarting, confused and a little wary. I never knew if he would love me, punish me, or ignore me; and my rattled nerves could hardly take much more of my quixotic lover. I was at a point where I wasn’t sure if the constant trauma to my peace of mind was worth what I thought might result, if I held on long enough. Even Reggie’s words of encouragement had worn thin. The bottom line was, I wanted Will home, living with me, loving me, and even punishing me regularly if that’s what I needed; but being jerked around on his whim was as difficult to bear as it had been when I was jerked around on Reggie’s strings years before.
My own manipulating mind was beginning to run free with all kinds of ideas to end this horrible in-between, and bring him back where he belonged. But I knew that there was nothing that wouldn’t be seen as a cunning manipulation, and I’d never have him back if I was found out. What brought this impasse to a head was something completely unconscious.
“Alex, I’m glad I caught you,” Will’s voice boomed over the phone. He was rushed and excited, so I surmised from his brusque manner. “Did you get my note? You’re meeting me at Reggie’s estate at seven,” he said. “I can’t pick you up, you’ll have
to take a taxi, then I’ll take you home.”
“What note?” I asked. I was lying, I saw the note, plain as day, and like everything else that had happened since Will announced that we were going to a party at Reggie’s, I was frightened and suspicious.
“I left you a note, told you everything,” he said sounding annoyed.
“Will, please can’t you pick me up?”
“No, I can’t. I’ll send the taxi, just be there. And Alex, don’t start getting all spooked about this again. I told you, this is one time you don’t have to worry. It’s a totally innocent party at the estate, no sex, no spanking, nothing, just a night to get away and have some fun. We’re certainly not going to make you parade around naked.”
I didn’t believe him. I hadn’t from the start. Reggie’s estate meant only one thing to me.
“I don’t have a choice?” I said. “You know, I haven’t felt well at all today.”
“No, you don’t have a choice, you’re just nervous. It’ll be the best thing in the world for you.”
“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “You’re really getting into wielding power over me.” I was snapping like a turtle.
“You think so?” he asked, not expecting me to be so annoyed.
“Yeah!” I said. How could I walk in there again? And now, alone, without Will on my arm. It was impossible.
“Well, get over your fears, darling, because I want you there.”
Those words almost muted the freezing chill that ran so fast through me, I could hardly move.
“So how do I dress?” I asked.
“We already talked about that,” he said exasperated. “How about that red dress I like so much?”
“I guess,” I agreed reluctantly.
“Then, I’ll see you there.”
Every memory, every act, every wild recollection of that former time thundered through me. It thawed the chill, but like ice cracking on a spring day, I was afraid of the ensuing flood of emotions, and by the time the receiver hit the phone cradle, I was certain that there was no way I would walk back into that house again. I’d do anything to stay away.
At 6:45 p.m. I called Reggie’s house as my stomach did its hundredth flip flop since the conversation with Will. I really was feeling sick. “Reggie please,” I asked the maid that answered.
“Reggie, this is Alex,” I said when I heard his voice.
