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“Well, enjoy your casual date, and I demand full details afterward.”
“Me too,” Cara added. Ansel gave me a hug and a salute on his way out. I put my bag down by the door and sat on the couch with Cara.
“Do you want to order something for dinner? I don’t really feel like cooking.” She was quiet for a minute. Was I just supposed to pretend I hadn’t walked into something?
“Yeah, sounds good. I’m fine with whatever you want.” She got up and left the room, but I followed her.
“What were you talking about with Ansel?” I asked as I shut the door of her bedroom.
“Oh, nothing. Just regular stuff. Stressing about school.” We both knew that wasn’t what she’d been talking to Ansel about. Did I let it go, or poke at the wound in hopes that it would help?
I opened my mouth and closed it. I couldn’t. I was the worst at this kind of stuff. I didn’t do confrontation. Not that this was like calling someone out for being a dick, but I didn’t want to hurt Cara. I didn’t want to annoy or harass her. Maybe she had been talking to Ansel about me.
“Is it me?” I blurted out.
She turned around from where she’d been fiddling with things on her dresser.
“What?”
“Is it me? That you’ve been talking to your therapist about and were talking to Ansel about? Is that why you can’t talk to me about it? Things have been a little weird, and I just need you to tell me it’s not me.” The words can out in a rush, as if from a broken faucet. I guess I’d been holding a lot in and I couldn’t anymore.
Cara looked at me as if I’d hit her and then she shook her head.
“No, Loren, it’s not you. It’s me.” I would have laughed if I had been in any kind of position to.
“Are you sure?” I needed confirmation. She nodded.
“It’s all me,” she said, giving me a sad smile.
“Okay,” I said, but that wasn’t really an answer. At least, it didn’t feel like one. I was worried and confused.
I’d pushed too hard already, so I had to let it drop. I took a breath and started to back out of her room.
“Okay,” I said again, opening the door so she could have her privacy.
“Loren,” she said, and her brown eyes were full of anguish. A few tears glittered there as well. My heart twisted and I didn’t know what to do.
“It’s okay, Care. I promise. I just wanted to make sure.” I left the room before she could say anything else and shut myself in my room for the rest of the night.
Everything had been going fine, but still, there was something going on.
I called my mom, because who else was I going to call?
“Something is up with Cara. Has she talked to you?” I asked.
“No, she hasn’t. I did sense a little melancholy, or something else going on. She won’t talk to you?” I didn’t know if Cara had told my mom about the therapy, and I didn’t want to be the one to share that with Mom if Cara wanted to keep it secret, so I told her that Cara was talking to Ansel, but she wouldn’t, or couldn’t, talk to me about it.
“I got all paranoid that she was angry at me, or regretting everything, or that she wanted to move out, or a hundred other things. I kind of attacked her and she said that it was something to do with her, but she wouldn’t give me any other details. We’ve always been able to talk about absolutely anything, so I’m at a loss with what to do. Should I just leave her alone?” I was a mess. My best friend was going through something and I couldn’t help her. It broke my fucking heart.
“Oh, sweetheart. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. But I think the best thing you can do is back off and let her come to you. If you keep trying to get her to open up, she’s going to close up even more. Give her time. I’m sure she’ll come around, okay?” Doing nothing didn’t feel like an option, but I guess that was what I was going to have to do. Nothing.
I hated doing nothing. It was like giving up. I would never give up on Cara, but I guess I had to let her come to me. Everything inside me screamed to run to her room, sit her down, and make her tell me everything over ice cream, but that wasn’t going to work, and it might hurt Cara even more. The only thing worse than doing nothing, would be to cause her to not want to be my best friend anymore.
