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“Thanks, Mom.” I hung up with her, not really feeling better, but at least I had sort of a plan. A nothing plan.
I couldn’t sleep that night. Every time I closed my eyes, I imagined knocking on Cara’s door and crawling into bed with her, holding her until she broke down and told me. But I couldn’t. I had to wait, and the waiting was already killing me.
I didn’t have to work the next day, which was a blessing, because I never really got to sleep. I just stayed up all night trying to read or watch something to distract my mind from Cara.
I heard her get up and leave the next morning, but she didn’t say goodbye like she usually did when she left for work. We always said goodbye when one of us was leaving, even if it was just to walk up the street to get some coffee. Not today.
I lay in bed not wanting to get up or do anything. I stayed horizontal until my stomach and my bladder forced me to get up and take care of my body’s needs, but then it was right back to bed. I forced myself to do some reading and made my way through a biography of Hillary Clinton. Thankfully it was more than interesting so, for a little while at least, I wasn’t thinking about Cara. I finished the book and then I didn’t know what to do next, so I put my hand in my pants and got a little busy. Nothing could take your mind off everything like a solid orgasm. Only problem was, Cara kept popping up there no matter what I did. I kept thinking about her hair and her face and her laugh, and even my fantasies of Cate Blanchett in a suit weren’t distracting me from. Frustrated, I stopped and realized that I should probably get the fuck out of the house. Maybe a change of scenery would be a better distraction.
I put on my shabbiest pair of yoga pants and a tank top that said “I’M SORRY I’M LATE, I DIDN’T WANT TO COME” and my favorite pair of sandals. My hair went into the messiest of ponytails and then I was ready to go.
I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and started walking. We lived not far from a really nice park, so I made my way there, and it looked like I wasn’t the only one who had that idea. I passed tons of people walking their dogs, and with babbling babies in strollers, and runners doing their thing.
I put on some loud and crashy music that made my eardrums hurt and set a brisk pace. I was exhausted as hell, but I was going to sleep tonight, even if I had to start running. Perish the thought.
After making three loops of the fairly large park, I sat down on a bench and stretched my legs out.
“Fucking fuck,” I muttered to myself. “This is not working.”
I went home and took a shower and went back to laying around until Cara came home. I sat up the second I heard the door open, waiting for her to come and find me.
She didn’t.
My heart sunk and I crawled back under my covers, pulling them up to cover my face.
Then there was a knock at the door.
I sat up.
“Yeah?”
Good thing I hadn’t been getting myself off. That would have been beyond awkward.
Cara poked her head in, as if she still wasn’t sure if she was allowed in my room.
“Hey,” she said, clamping her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Hey,” I said, pushing the blankets down.
“Can we talk?” she asked.
“Yeah.” I motioned for her to sit down on the bed. She immediately started messing with the edge of one of my blankets.
“I’m sorry about last night. And for not saying goodbye to you this morning. I’m just... Everything is so messed up in my head and I’m still trying to work it out. My therapist is helping a lot, really. She’s amazing. I’m thinking about things in a different way now and once I have definitive answers and know what’s going on, I’m going to tell you, Loren. I promise. I just need time.” She shouldn’t have to ask me for time. I should just be able to give it to her. I should know what she wanted, what she needed. I was her best friend; that was my job.
“You take all the time you need. Forever, if you need it. I’m sorry for bothering you. I guess I got too much in my head and got a little paranoid.” I shook my head at myself.
“No, no. You deserve to know. You’re the only person I want to talk about this with, but I just... I couldn’t, and I can’t tell you why. Soon. You’ll know everything soon.”
