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Heavenly stars, but she’d had a busy few days! After attacking the guards, she’d relieved them of their weapons and buried them in a shallow storage pit beneath Our Lady. The trip wires had not been easy to rig. She’d had to go deeper into the jungle to find vines that were strong enough, and she’d had to make sure they were low enough to the ground so as not to be seen. One wrong step and that person would be hoisted high into the trees to dangle by a foot until they passed out or Taylor felt merciful, whichever came first. Probably the passing out. She’d dug two deep holes. These she covered with leaves and branches and marked with tiny crosses so that she would remember not to step there. But oh, there was so much to do still. It was just like getting ready for pageant time, and it filled Taylor with a happy sense of purpose. Ever since getting shot by those darts, Taylor had had a teensy bit of trouble organizing her thoughts. That’s what lists were for. When Taylor competed, she always made lists. They were very helpful. She made one now in her head. It went like this:
Melt down jewelry for arrowheads
Dig pit
Surveillance
Construct bows
Practice!
Interview portion
Projectile launch/avocado mask
Reassemble AK-47
Construct bomb
Moisturize
Yes, lists were essential if you were going to be a serious competitor. And nobody was more serious about competing than Taylor Rene Krystal Hawkins.
“Miss Texas, who’s got her wires crossed,” Ladybird Hope cautioned. She’d changed into a sarong and put a flower in her hair, which was, of course, just perfect.
“Oh my stars!” Taylor rethreaded the wires. She shook her head at her clumsiness. “That’s almost like wearing red for evening gown. Everybody knows the judges like pastels.”
“Amen.” Ladybird Hope peeled a banana. She had a French manicure. “You’re gonna need a what next, Taylor?”
“An accelerant.”
“That’s my girl.”
Taylor opened the jar of Lady ’Stache Off cream and put it in position. Under the label, the jar had a small radioactive symbol. “There. This Miss is ready to greet her subjects.”
Ladybird Hope patted Taylor lightly on the back. “I’m so proud of you, Taylor. You really are a Miss Teen Dream.”
“Just hearing that from you, Ladybird, well, it’s like I’ve already won.” Taylor’s eyes misted with tears.
IE
I don’t think so… .
OGF
(giving her a pitying look over his glasses) Charlie, honey, you’re almost thirty. It doesn’t pay to have too much self-esteem. Come on. Let’s shop for heels and a push-up bra.
CUT TO: Montage — Charlie getting primped and powdered and squeezed into a tight black dress. Charlie entering a ballroom and catching the eye of every man, including Dick. Charlie slow dancing with Dick. Charlie seeing Dick with another woman. Charlie crying. Eating ice cream. Watching Home Shopping Network. Staring wistfully at a store window filled with wedding dresses.
CUT TO: Charlie sitting with her grandma in her cutesy retirement community.
CHARLIE
(tearful)
What if Mr. Wrong is the best I’m going to get?
GRANDMA
