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I would hand in my resignation and find myself a new job long before the baby was born. Whether I kept it or not, it was the only way out of this I could see. I didn’t want to give up the life I had. I loved where I was in life, and I had just gotten a promotion. But at what cost did I have all these good things?
Life was about tough choices, and I had few of them to make now.
When I finally emerged from the bathroom, Brent was gone. I didn’t know how long it’d been since he’d left, but I was grateful for it. I couldn’t face him right now. My whole life had fallen apart. I felt shit about us fighting, but he just wouldn’t stop going on about money. I wasn’t going to be that woman. It already looked like I’d tried to keep him around by falling pregnant. It wasn’t like that, and I didn’t think he felt it was like that, but it still pissed me off. I had fallen pregnant at twenty-three.
I wasn’t a teenager, breaking all the rules. I wasn’t in a loving relationship, planning the next step. I was somewhere in the middle, confused and irritated and stuck in a situation I hadn’t chosen.
This was bullshit.
I collapsed on my bed and covered my face with my hands. What was I going to do? How was I going to deal with this? Having a baby would affect my career. A baby would take all my time. I wouldn’t be able to do everything the way I was doing it now.
I had been thrilled when I’d started with Brent, trying and succeeding in seducing him. Brent had always been the ultimate prize. And for a short while, everything had been perfect.
Now, when I looked back to the past two weeks and what we had done, I had a bitter taste in my mouth. Everything was tainted by the fact that I had fallen pregnant.
Brent had told me he didn’t date—he fucked. Where did that leave me now that I was going to have a baby? I wasn’t going to force him to stick around, that was for sure. I could only imagine how horrible it had to be to him, knowing that he would forever be tied down somehow when he hadn’t wanted anything this long-term.
Maybe the best idea was to give the baby up for adoption. We could both keep living our lives the way we wanted to. We wouldn’t have to stick together for the baby’s sake, and I wouldn’t need a cent from Brent.
The more I thought about adoption as an option, the worse I felt. How could I do to my own child what had been done to me? I had grown up in a good home with parents who loved me, and everything had been great. I had been lucky. But the system was horrible, and if I put my child into it, who was to say that he or she would have a good life, too?
I couldn’t do that. But the alternative—keeping the baby and raising it into a beautiful human being—was just as terrifying.
Suddenly, I wanted my mom. For a few minutes, I had been adamant that I could handle it all on my own. I couldn’t. I needed my mom. I needed her warm hugs, the safety that came with her knowledge. I had to tell her what was going on.
My mom had always been able to chase the nightmares away. She had always been there for me, no matter what.
Yes, I was ashamed that I had fallen pregnant. I should have known better. But I didn’t want to do this alone. I wanted to cry on my mom’s shoulder. I wanted her to rub my back and to tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to believe her, even it didn’t look like it could possibly be okay.
I got dressed, put on a bit of makeup to try and hide my swollen eyes, and headed out the door. I got into my car and sat for a moment, my hands on the steering wheel, and just breathed. So much had happened lately. So many chapters had come to an end, and new ones had started. It was a lot to take in, and I was overwhelmed.
When I pulled up in front of my mom’s house, my dad opened the front door.
“You’re a day early, pumpkin,” he said and smiled. I hugged him.
“Is Mom home?”
“She ran out to the store, but she’ll be back any minute now. Come, wait with me.”
He must have known something was wrong, but he didn’t push me to talk about it. He never had, and I was grateful for it. I sat down with Dad in front of the television, and we watched a game show. I couldn’t focus on the trivial bullshit on the screen, but I chuckled when my dad did and appreciated his gesture.
