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But he’d never stopped blaming himself for her death, not really. Yet, when he looked back, he didn’t see how he could have made a difference in her life. Still, it was a terrible failure and he was partly to blame.
Mary called from the bathroom. “I can’t resist trying on at least one of these negligees.”
He hardly knew what to say to that. What did he care about lacy sleeping garments when he was so full of guilt? “They were meant for you,” he said at last.
He heard the hair-blower going and vaguely wondered why Mary was drying her hair.
He sat staring through the French glass doors at the well-lit, private garden right outside the guest room. The compound had several like this. Sharon had designed them to be spots of beauty in their world. She had a gift for decor; he’d give her that. The Sedona resort had reflected her careful eye.
“This is Sharon’s work, isn’t it?” Mary’s voice sounded from the bathroom doorway. “The patio, I mean.”
He turned and the air in his lungs refused to leave his body for a long, difficult moment. She now wore the black lace gown and was so beautiful to his wolf eyes that he fell speechless. Her pale skin showed through the lace, and she’d dried and brushed out her long blond hair so that it floated around her shoulders and down her back.
She moved to stand in front of the garden. “The purple lantana is always beautiful this time of year. Even the lighting in this space is gorgeous. Sharon created this, didn’t she?”
Fergus rose to stand beside her. His throat hurt. “She did. I remember how excited she was. I’d recently become alpha and one of my first projects was building a proper home for Sharon and me that would be a small adjunct to what later became the Gordion Compound.”
“So you built all of this?” She waved a hand to encompass the entire complex.
“I did. We needed massive, belowground, soundproof rooms where our wolves could let loose at will. I also wanted similar communal areas, like the dining hall. But Sharon had insisted on small gardens outside our private living areas. I fought her on them.”
“Why?” Mary asked. “I have gardens like this in Revel.”
He literally turned his back to the space. He wasn’t sure if it was guilt he was experiencing or what. “We fought constantly the first year I led the Gordion Pack.” He was frowning so hard, his whole face felt like it was being punched. “But you have to understand, I was trying to keep everyone alive. I couldn’t worry about plants and trees. Oh, God.” He pivoted to angle himself toward Mary.
She in turn shifted toward him, though her arms were crossed over her chest. “What? Say it, Fergus. It’s important.”
“She said I cared more abo
ut the pack than her.”
“Did you?”
“No.” The idea appalled him. “Of course not.”
Yet, with an astounding amount of pain he realized he felt the same way about Mary right now as he had about Sharon. “And yet … Oh, shit. It was me. I did care more about the pack.” He hit his chest hard with his fist. “Fuck, it was me. I was the reason, the cause. I’d never seen it before. But the faeness now living inside me won’t let me ignore the truth. My wolf … My wolf was happy to blame Sharon. How many times did I call her ‘needy’ when I knew she was just expressing normal wants and desires?”
He moved to the side of the bed and sat down again. He rubbed his forehead. Another truth hit him hard as he lifted his gaze to Mary once more. Earlier, she’d tried to tell him something else when she’d first mentioned Sharon, but he said he didn’t want to talk about any of it. “The bond failed because of me, didn’t it? That’s what you wanted to tell me earlier when I shut you down? I thought it was you, but now I know the truth. You couldn’t join with me, because I wouldn’t let you. I couldn’t. Just like I couldn’t let any of my female wolves mate with me after Sharon died.”
Mary nodded slowly, her expression solemn. “That’s what I believe as well.”
He rose once more, crossed to her, then took her arms gently in his hands. “I’m trying to understand, but you’re feeling it as well, aren’t you? That I’m not here with you, not as I should be for a wolf asking you to bond with him?”
She nodded. “I’m not blaming you, Fergus. You don’t have to be anything to me. And I think I understand. You have the pack to think about now, and I know your wolves take precedence above everything else.”
“But it’s not the right way to live and my being this way won’t solve anything.”
She chuckled softly, her voice slightly hoarse the way a wolf’s would be. “There’s nothing to solve.”
He stared at her. His heart ached with so many difficult realities hitting him at once. He glided his hands up her arms and caressed her shoulders. “You look beautiful in this lace.”
She smiled, then drew back from him enough to see all the way down to her feet. “With my purple nail polish, especially.” She even chuckled. He loved that about her, how she was lightening the moment.
“Sharon was unfaithful to me, but I never knew who the man was that killed her. Hell, maybe she’d taken up with dozens. For what I put her through, I could never blame her.”
“So, were you an alpha wolf for like a hundred years or something?”
He frowned at her. “What do you mean, because that doesn’t make sense? I’ve only been in the province fifteen years, but you know that.”
