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“He’s Josh’s father, isn’t he?” Ben asks, and I don’t know why those words should be so painful, but right now I’m pretty sure they’re the most painful words in the English language.
“Yeah,” I whisper softly.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Luna?”
Ben’s voice doesn’t sound accusing, or even upset, but I know he probably is. We’re on my couch, he’s leaning against the armrest. I’m leaning against him at an angle, my legs stretched out. He’s got his arm around me and his fingers are brushing back and forth against my shoulder. He kisses the top of my head and that feels sweet, but oddly painful at the same time. Everything about Ben is perfect, and I’m afraid my life is going to hell when I need to be concentrating on this wonderful guy…
“There didn’t seem to be reason to, Ben.”
“Luna, we’ve been dating for—”
“I know,” I tell him, angling my head so I can see him. “But Gavin isn’t part of Joshua’s life or mine anymore. I was a stupid naïve eighteen-year-old, who had been sheltered way too much. I got pregnant and Gavin had made no secret he didn’t want kids. He had one goal upon graduation and that was leaving Stone Lake in the dust.”
“And that’s not what you wanted?”
“I would have gone anywhere with Gavin,” I respond, knowing that’s probably not the answer that Ben wants, but being honest just the same.
“Then, what happened?”
“Life? My father? Fate? Pick one, pick them all. It’s a long story, Ben and not a good one.”
“I’ve got nothing but time. Unless you don’t want to tell me, unless you’re going to tell me that what we have between us is over.”
“I don’t want that. I care about you, Ben. You’re the first person I’ve had in my life I could see having a future with. It’s just—”
“Lodge?”
“Well, yes.”
“I see…” Ben says, his body tightening up.
“Not like that. I could never be with Gavin again. For many reasons, I mean, it’s not like he’s even talked to me like that since he’s been back, Ben.”
“Luna, you’re crazy if you don’t see that the man is still acting territorial over you—”
“I don’t know what he’s doing, I’m not sure Gavin knows. I suspect it’s because there’s a lot between us that has been left unsaid. But it doesn’t matter. Even if he had feelings for me, I couldn’t go there.”
“Luna…” Ben’s voice has a quiet warning in it, and I pull away so I can turn and face him completely. My hands reach out to his and I hold them, needing something to keep me anchored because right now I feel like I’m drowning.
“I loved him so much, Ben. So much that I was willing to let him go. But, when I needed him most, he turned his back on me.”
“Turned his back?”
“When he left, he didn’t know about Joshua. That was my choice. Gavin had plans. He wanted to be in the FBI and Agent Dern had taken him under his wing as a mentor. He had dreams. I was pregnant, my father hated him. He was threatening to have Gavin arrested for statutory rape. Gavin already had a mark against him, this would have ended his chance at a career.”
“So you just let him go and never told him that he had a boy? That doesn’t sound like the woman I’ve come to know.”
“I always planned on telling him eventually. I needed time to make my father back down. I needed time in Stone Lake to make my father understand and for all the bullshit around Jules’ death to die down, so Gavin didn’t get swept up in all of the fallout.”
“I don’t understand,” Ben says, and he probably doesn’t. He knows about Jules’ death, we talked about it a little after the body was discovered. It wasn’t that the cases were totally alike, but there were enough similarities that it brought up old memories that I never wanted to relive.
“The town, my father especially, had it out for Gavin. I needed to protect him. A rape charge, even if it was later dismissed, would have ruined his chances at achieving his goals.”
“You were eighteen—”
“Gavin and I dated when I was younger than that. It didn’t matter when we had sex to my father, it only mattered that I was pregnant by Roy Lodge’s boy.”
“So, Gavin knows Josh is his son?”
“Not long after he left, I began bleeding and having what I believed to be contractions. I thought I was going to lose him,” I respond, the pain of that memory still thick in my voice and fresh in my mind. “I remember being so terrified. I was young, scared of having a child, but I wanted him more than I wanted my next breath.”
“What happened?”
“Atticus and Meghan called 911 and an ambulance took me to the hospital. I was having heavy bleeding and passing clots and some cramping. They began doing tests and gave me medication to ease the cramping. It turned out I didn’t have a miscarriage, though they were concerned enough that I needed to stay in the hospital for a bit. None of the numbers I had for Gavin worked anymore. Meghan finally tracked down Agent Dern through his office. It took me three days to get up the nerve to call.”
