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“No, Josh. This is… it’s not that kind of situation. You call the shots here. You only do what you feel comfortable with. If you decide you never want to see Gavin again, then you don’t have to.”
“You’d be okay with that?”
“Joshua, if you’re happy, I am. I told you that years ago, remember?”
“I asked you if you regretted having me because I heard you and Grandpa Roy talking and he called me a bad mistake.”
“Right. And what did I tell you?”
“That I was the best thing that ever happened to you and that it would always be me and you against the world.”
“Exactly and it still is, baby. Always. You decide what role Gavin has in your life and you decide if he doesn’t have one.”
“Okay, Mom. I love you, you know.”
“Love you too, sweetheart,” I tell him, relaxing a little for the first time tonight. “Gavin’s taking a while in the kitchen. Maybe I should go check on him…”
“Is it okay if I go upstairs and play Xbox for a little bit?”
“Honey, Gavin wanted to spend—”
“I’ll come back down in a bit… Really, Mom. I just want to talk with Chance for a few minutes.”
“Okay, just don’t make me have to yell to get you back down here. If I can’t run away you can’t either.”
“Whatever,” he says rolling his eyes, but heads upstairs.
I watch him go and then my gaze turns back to the kitchen. I’m reluctant, but I know I should go and see what’s going on with him. I thought things were going good until he practically ran from the room. Maybe Joshua is right, and this is too much for him. I don’t know why that thought is painful, but it is—which is ridiculous. If Gavin fucks this up and hurts Joshua by disappearing again, I’ll be there to pick up the pieces—and if it does happen, heaven help Gavin Lodge, because I’ll kill him.
Luna
I make my way into the kitchen. When I get there, Gavin is staring out the window over the sink. I can only see the side of his face, but he looks so sad and lost… This is the Gavin I remember in high school. The one who would stare at me, but never talk. The Gavin that I fell in love with from a distance.
“Are you okay?”
Gavin turns around, looking at me, and I see this anguish on his face. I recognize it, because I have felt it myself over and over through the years.
“No, I’m anything but okay, Luna.”
“Gavin—”
“I have a son, a son I know nothing about. A son who hates me, and rightfully should. I have had a son for twelve, almost thirteen years, and I know nothing about him. I don’t even know what he likes on his damn pizza. I’m definitely not okay.”
“Gavin, you can’t look at it that way.”
“How else am I supposed to look at it? There’s no other way to look at it. I’m a stranger to him, and he’s a stranger to me.”
“But you know about him now, he knows about you. You have time. You can spend time together,” I tell him, wanting to reach him. I don’t know what I expected to see from Gavin after tonight’s meeting with Joshua, but the devastation I see him going through is not what I was prepared for.
“That won’t change the past. There’s so much that I’ll never get back, Luna. And what happens if Joshua never forgives me? What happens if he never lets me in his life?”
“I don’t have any answers for you, Gavin. I wish I did. You won’t believe this, but this is just as hard for me as it is for you. Maybe the reasons are different, but it’s still hard.”
“I’m scared, Luna. In all my years in law-enforcement, I can’t ever remember being this terrified. I would face down a thousand suspects any day of the week over that boy in there. I can see the hurt and anger in his face, I know he hates me. The worst thing about it is that I deserve all of that and more.”
“What do you want me to say here, Gavin?”
“There’s nothing really to say. There’s no way to fix this—no way that I can get any of those years back.”
“If this is directed at me, I tried. I did everything I could at the time. I couldn’t have known that you didn’t sign the paper, that the document was unread. I knew your signature, that was your signature, that’s all I knew…”
“Oh God, Luna, I’m not blaming you. Jesus, I don’t even know why you’re letting me talk to Joshua now. You don’t have any blame in this. This is all on me. I’m the reason Josh went all this time without a father. I’m the reason that you went through everything alone. I’m the one to blame for all of this mess.”
