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He nodded. “But, Frank, I don’t think Shelby’s dad would want you two to stay together if you weren’t happy.”
“But she is happy,” I said quickly. “I mean, I think she is. Hell, I don’t know anymore.”
“You gotta talk to her,” Nick said, “really have a conversation with her about it. What if she’s just as miserable as you are, and you’re both punishing each other by staying together because you’re each too scared to leave?”
I shrugged, not knowing what else to say.
“I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with that alone all this time.” Ryan reached out and gripped my forearm. “Don’t forget you have us.” He glanced at Nick before meeting my eyes again, his voice wobbling a little as he said, “We’re always going to be here for you, no matter what. Don’t keep shit like that to yourself anymore. We’re your fucking brothers. That’s why we’re here.”
“It wasn’t your burden to bear,” I said.
“It’s really not yours either,” Nick said, his voice stronger than Ryan’s. “You can’t live your life because of a promise you made to someone on his deathbed. I mean, I get it, that’s a lot of pressure, and you’ve always been a stand-up guy who wants to do the right thing, but this—” He swallowed. “This is too much to ask of anyone.”
It was almost humorous hearing that kind of advice come out of Nick’s mouth, of all people. Until recently, he’d let other people dictate his entire life and every decision in it. He’d almost married a girl he hated because of it, and here he was now, doling out life-altering advice to me like it was the most natural thing ever.
And it wasn’t. It was fucking weird.
But that didn’t make him any less right.
I just wished that I believed letting down Shelby’s dad was something I could live with. I wasn’t sure that it was. Obligation and guilt had kept me rooted for this long, what was the rest of my life?
“I agree with Nick.” Ryan rounded the bar and pulled up a stool next to mine. “You can’t do this to yourself. It’s no way to live.”
“I know.” And I did know. I just didn’t know how to get out of it. “But how do you end things after that long when nothing’s really wrong? She’s going to want to know what happened, and I won’t have an answer for her.”
My mind spun, imagining scenarios that hadn’t happened but probably would if I tried to break up with Shelby. “She’ll want to fix it, but there’s nothing to fix. How the hell do you explain that to a woman like Shelby? I’ve wasted so much of her time when she’s been nothing but perfect. Seriously, the woman is a saint.”
Nick tilted his head to the side, studying me. “Just because she’s a good person doesn’t make you a bad one for not wanting to be with her.”
“You can’t force yourself to have feelings for someone if you don’t,” Ryan added with a slight frown. “Sometimes feelings fade or change over time. That doesn’t make you a bad guy either. At least you haven’t married the girl while you’ve been so unsure.”
I bristled at the thought. “I’ve been dodging that bullet for quite a while now, but she’s getting impatient.”
“Of course she is. She’s a chick and she wants to get married. Even if it’s for the wrong reasons,” Ryan said matter-of-factly. I had forgotten for a second that he was a fairy-tale romance specialist.
“What wrong reasons?”
“She thinks it’s the next natural step in your relationship. Whether she’s truly happy or not isn’t the issue. She thinks that by now you two should be engaged, buying a house, getting ready for marriage, and planning how many kids you’re going to have.”
Ryan was right. Shelby was absolutely on that page when it came to us, but I kept doing my damnedest to steer her off it.
“How do you get her to back off? When she brings it up, what do you say?” Nick asked
“I keep telling her that I don’t know if I want to get married. That I’m not sure I believe in it.” I looked down at my empty glass, avoiding their eyes.
“And she buys that?” Ryan asked incredulously.
“It’s not like I give her much room. I close off and go silent if she pushes too hard. I never know what the hell to say without hurting her, and I don’t want to lie.”
“But staying with her is a lie,” Nick said in a quiet voice.
“I know I should have the strength to walk away, but the thought of hurting her after all she’s been through in her life fucking kills me. I may not be in love with Shelby, but I care about her feelings. The last thing I want to do is hurt her.” It was fucked-up logic, if it was even logical at all, but it was the truth.
“I feel for you, brother.” Ryan clapped his hand on my shoulder. “I really do. But I want better for you. You deserve to be happy. You know that, right?”
Of course I knew that.
Or, at least, I thought I knew that.
